Our Tears

[TW] imagine all the pain that might be forgiven

Author : rodxlyn
Original publish on : livejournal | 2013

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It was eleven fourty three at night when Park Jungsu got a call from the hospital, asking him to come over a soon as possible. The nurse didn't even had a chance to hang up when Jungsu started sprinting down to the parking lot, skipping over a few flights of stairs, ignoring the fact that he almost twisted his left ankle as he tried not to step on a random tennis ball in the third floor stair well. 

He also failed to recall that it was almost winter and that he was not supposed to get out of the house in the middle of the night with just his black wife beater and pajamas on. It was also quite amusing how he forgot everything else yet his right hand was clutching an old necklace that he was more than sure was tucked deep inside his desk drawer, buried under long forgotten letters and photographs he once intended to discard.

"Hey."

"Jungsu Hyung-" The nurse's voice was cut off by a smile, it was bright yet it brought sadness to the younger's heart.

"How is he Wookie?"

"He's okay now. We had to put him to sleep though." Ryeowook glanced at the door across the hall, slowly wishing for a miracle. "It got a little chaotic when we tried putting his IV on. I also managed to get him to take his pills before he finally passed out." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I had to drag you into this again. I know you-"

"It's okay." Jungsu smiled once more, the same smile he had been showcasing in the last three months. "I know it's been hard on you too." A hand was placed on the younger's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Can I see him?"

"Do you want to? I mean ..."

Did he really want to?

"I don't know, really." He chuckled, dry and low, almost heart breaking. "I thought I was done."

"I'm sorry. It's just ... this is the third time this week hyung. It got worse. I'm really worried about him. The doctor is thinking of locking him up after his discharge."

"I understand. It's okay."

"I have to go. I still need to finish my rounds."

Jungsu smiled once more, making Ryeowook sigh. "Thanks for taking care of him for me Wookie."

There was a small nod, and the younger male was gone, leaving Jungsu contemplating between running towards the brightly lit hallway and letting himself fall back into the dark abyss hidden behind the door across the hall. All his life, Jungsu had always chosen the right thing, weighing the pros and cons before concluding a decision. 

He would sometimes even spend about three minutes thinking if it was safe enough to cross an empty road. Yet roads had always been so unpredictable – it was never certain when would a vehicle would come down running twice the speed limit and hitting Jungsu with a loud collision harmonizing with the crash created by the pieces of his broken heart as each fragment hit the hard asphalt.

The bright hallway and the cold winter night were very inviting yet the abyss had always had an inexplicable magnetic pull, never failing to entice Jungsoo back into its arms as he plunge himself into a pretentious euphoria.

"Hey." There was a familiar voice and Jungsu heard the fragments of his heart clambering on his chest once more. "I told him not to contact you."

"I told you not to do this again too. Why did you?"

"I don't know."

Jungsu chuckled as he took a step closer towards the hospital bed, slightly glancing at the tinted window, watching the stars sparkle up the dark night sky. It was quite ironic how he suddenly thought of a familiar smile that used to make his stomach flip, and his heart dance in glee albeit the verity that it was more ironic how the said smile had been long gone, replaced by a smirk, masking the pandemonium where a beautiful garden used to lie. The abyss Jungsu had been trying to run away from yet always catching up to him – not that he was sprinting fast enough.

"You know why."

"I really don't Jungsu." His name slipped almost too fluidly, it hurt. "I really don't know anymore."

The silence was almost deafening and most definitely heartbreaking. It was quite hard not to shed a tear as Jungsu traced an old scar on the other's wrist, making the younger flinch as his fingers fiddled with the bandage just a few centimeters above the mark. The crimson blotch reminded Jungsu of trigonometry class back in high school – excruciating and obnoxious.

"What if it got deeper next time? What if you actually hit a vein too deep? What if ..."

There was chuckle. Jungsu's tears almost fell. "That's kind of the point here Jungsu."

"What if I lost you?"

How could you lose something you never actually had? Very hypocritical, yet Jungsu was way past minding.

"Jungsu please-"

"No. You gotta stop this. You're just making this harder than it should be. You're just hurting yourself even more. Wookie said this is the third time this week."

Sad laughter echoed in the four corners of the room, making Jungsu want to cry. The laughter he used to love, the laughter he used to admire, the laughter he used to dream of every night, had turned into a nightmare he never wanted to witness yet fate had always been the abhorrent protagonist in Jungsu's life.

What else was harder than falling for the person that could never catch you?

Watching that person fall with you, just into a deeper, darker and more agonizing pit of infinite pain and suffering.

"Jungsu .. Jungsu .. Jungsu .." The younger lifted his injured arm and poked the dimple lying right beside Jungsu's lip. 

"I already told you. That's kind of the point here. I cut myself so I can prove to myself that I am not as hollow as I think I am. I cut myself so I can prove to myself that I can still feel that I am not just as numb as how I feel here." The younger retreated his hand and placed on his chest. "I cut, hoping that one day, I would find the best place where I can inflict the most pain, where I can see more color against my pale skin ... a place where I can stay forever ... alone and forgotten."

"But I will never forget you."

"I want you to." There was a smile. A tear fell from Jungsu's eyes.

"You know I can't." Jungsu reached for the younger's hand and interlaced their fingers, slowly feeling the darkness of the abyss engulfing him, pulling him in deeper in the pandemonium of broken heart. "I love you Heechul. I can't just ..."

Heechul looked at the elder, eyes void of emotion. He hated it. He hated how tears were uncontrollably streaming down his cheeks without any reason at all. He hated how he felt so empty, so hallow, so numb. He hated how all he could feel in every fiber of his being were hatred and regret. He hated how the only way he could feel something a tiny bit close to being human again was when he would watch droplets of crimson liquid trickling down his arm as pain slowly creep up is whole being. He hated how couldn't return the passion the only person that never got tired of holding his hand as he slowly fell into the oblivion he created himself. He hated how he couldn't love Jungsu back.

"You should Jungsu ... you should ..."

Jungsu stared at Heechul, brushing away the reddish fringes on the younger's forehead as his free hand started wiping away the tears rolling down pale cheeks. It was amazing how their faces where just centimeters away, lips almost touching yet Jungsu felt like his world was still crumbling down. Maybe it was just an impulse, or a habit, or a conclusion – a closure at the end of the pandemonium, created by myriad of agonizing misery.

"Why can't you just love me back Heechul? Why?" Heechul's lips felt cold and stiff on Jungsu's, it hurt.

"Because I don't have a heart anymore Jungsu. I gave it away a long time ago, to a wrong person." Heechul caressed Jungsu's cheek, fingers softly rested on the cleft on beside the elder's lips. "I would love to love you Jungsu. I would love to fall in love with you, but I can't. I can't anymore. I can't feel anymore."

"I can love enough for the both of us. I don't need you to love me back ... I just ... I just need for you to let me love you ... that's all I ask ... please .. Kim Heechul ... just let me love you."

"I'm sorry." Were the only words that came out from the younger's lips.

Maybe it really was time for Jungsu to accept the invitation of the brightly lit hallway, ignoring the tug of the abyss that was making him fall into an infinite depth of pain. Maybe it really was time to give up.

A necklace was placed on the bedside table. Heechul covered himself with his thick blanket, trying his hardest not to sob as he heard the door briefly opened, just to quickly close again – announcing a departure he had long wanted yet was still reminding him of crimson liquid and broken hopes.

Yet he suddenly thought: what if there was an alternate universe where he was the abyss and Heechul had continued becoming the garden? He wondered how it would feel like to not feel anymore, how it would feel like to yearn for pain just to cover up the numbness of his whole being. He wondered how it would feel like to be Heechul.

All of a sudden, Jungsu forgot about the pros and cons, the three minute contemplation before crossing an empty road. Jungsu decided to let go for once – crossing the road without thinking, ignoring the honks of a incoming vehicle running twice the speed limit a few seconds before he listened to how the loud collision that harmonized with the sound the fragments of his broken heart made as they hit the hard asphalt covered in crimson liquid Jungsu knew Heechul had grown fond of.

Heechul held a necklace in his left hand, forgotten letters and photographs in his right as he watched the familiar crimson liquid trickled down his pale arm. He smiled. He finally found the best place – alone and forgotten because there was no Jungsu that would never forget to remember him anymore.

"Park Jungsu ... you idiot ... I never said I didn't love you ..."