Our Tears

the morning after

note from me : this is sequel of https://my.w.tt/nwiiGG7z5V , that include mature content.

Author : seket_ninstuku
Original publish on : livejournal | 2009

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It hadn't rained that day. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out and the clouds were nice and fluffy. Everything about this day was glorious and I had been content to continue on with this wonderful mood that nature had set for me. He hadn't been there when I woke up and the dorm had been very quiet. There was breakfast waiting for me in the fridge, my name written neatly on a post-it that clung easily to the pink tinted cellophane. My toes wiggled a bit in my slippers as I looked for something to drink while the microwave droned on heating my cold food. It was then that the question started. Where was Jungsoo-ah?

I could remember fading off into a deep sleep with his arms around me and everything that had happened before...it was on constant loop in my head, but one more thing continued to loop in my head and that was the question where was Jungsoo-ah? The microwave beeped loudly and I nearly dropped my glass of orange juice, setting it on the table as I took the plate out of the microwave and set it down on carefully to join my glass. I ate quietly trying not to think about anything in particular but the question of the day continued to buzz about in my head.

The urge to text or call him was nearly overwhelming but I tried not to focus on it and instead I hopped in the shower. Getting ready in the morning, for me, could either take no time at all or all the time in the world. On this day it took ages because I wanted it to. It distracted me from my question. Before throwing away the post it I double checked it for any other writing. My eyes scanned the kitchen, then my room, then the bathroom but I saw no note of any kind that could tell me where Jungsoo-ah had gone.

A warm shower was nice after a long night like the one I had so very recently, so I savored it. I savored the steam filled bathroom. I savored the walk back to my room. One thing I did not savor was a glance to my phone which showed me I had no new texts or missed calls. Sighing to myself I set about getting dressed but slowly my energy was fading like my smile and my confidence in what I had done and this just brought about more questions.

Sitting quietly in the laundry room I listened to my sheets tumble and toss about in a large dryer. I heaved a sigh and rested my chin in my palm, watching the wall across from me as though it were a TV show re-run. Occasionally I'd laugh in a clearly not jovial manner or scoff as though I'd heard something particularly ridiculous. Then every now and then I'd stand up and yell at the wall as though it had kicked my cat. All this to distract myself from my phone which I wanted to run and go retrieve but refused to. ..because if it was with me and never buzzed or rang the entire time I'd feel even worse. This behavior also kept gawkers to a minimum. Surprising right?

So many questions flew through my head at once when I got back upstairs. I couldn't hold them back any more and they were beginning to eat me alive from the inside out. I tucked the sheets back onto my bed as quickly as I possibly could. I needed to lay down and sleep so I could wake back up and he'd be beside me again. When the fuck did I get so needy? I nearly laughed at myself knowing full well I'd always been needy. I had just felt like asking a question that I could actually answer.

Time was running out and so was day light. Ever since I had woken up I had wanted to do one thing and damn it I was going to get it....hopefully. Screwing up my courage and choking back my most recent wave of fear and temporary insanity, aka ridiculous and unfounded anxiety, I snatched up my phone from my dresser as I passed by it. Throwing myself on my bed I flipped it open quickly very slowly typing out a text that it took me five minutes to convince myself to send.

{Where are you?? Can we go to the park today?}

About seven minutes later my phone buzzed and I nearly fell off the bed in my scrambling and fumbling to see the reply...

{Only if you let me push you on the swings.}

I could've cried. I honestly wanted to and my eyes did tear up but I sucked it up for now the anxiety happily and blissfully floating off of my shoulders as I laughed then chuckled to myself while typing...

{Just don't push me too high, okay?}

I fidgeted on the bed, phone on my stomach as I laid on my back. When it vibrated I nearly jumped and quickly picked it up and flipped it open to see the response...

{I'll try not to but you're going to have to tell me when I might be pushing too hard.}

My smile wouldn't leave. I shook my head softly and with fear gone and body relaxed I texted Jungsoo-ah curiously...

{I promise I'll tell. Jungsoo-ah...thank you for breakfast but...why'd you leave so early? I didn't think you had anything on your schedule for today...}

I laid back in bed blissfully content, sitting up for a moment to turn on my iPod so I could relax further. The phone buzzed against my hip and I flipped it open to see about that morning...

{It's no problem. & I don't officially, but our manager called me out since there seems to be a conflict of interest w/future projects. I'm trying to fix that.}

The smile on my face was starting to hurt. Beautiful day, beautiful lover, this moment deserved some beautiful words. I grinned and quickly typed up a response as my heart swelled happily in my chest and everything in life seemed to make sense. My schedule for the next day was hell but I didn't care, not as long as Jungsoo-ah cared about me. What was there to be upset about then?...

{I wanna fall in love with you must be beautiful lovely day~}

I shut the phone humming the song to myself as I sat up and turned in on my iPod as well. I sang along softly while laying back on the bed. To be honest I had wanted to change the lyrics and say "I've fallen in love with you must be beautiful lovely day~" But I didn't because I felt it was cuter with the original lyrics and as the phone buzzed in my hand I grinned happily as the song continued to sing on without me when I stopped singing to read...

{Are you implying you can only love me on beautiful days?}

My smile widened and I couldn't help but laugh, moving back into my pillows so I could get cozy. I turned down the music on my iPod a bit and then hurriedly went to texting him back...

{Every day spent loving you is beautiful to me.}

I knew that he might not fully believe me as I replied with such words. It had been less than twenty-four hours since this realization had come over me and swiftly took hold of all my heart and attention after all. I didn't really want to think about anyone or anything but Eeteuk which made waiting for his replies unbearable, but if anything could be said about the eternal leader it was that he was dependable. So I waited knowing a reply would come and sure enough it did. It didn't startle me much this time and I'd left my phone open after sending the last text. The milliseconds it took to open the cell phone proved so troublesome when I was this giddy, this happy to hear back from someone so special to me...

{But my love will only bring you cloudy days.}

Feeling my brow furrow and heart rate slow in confusion I wondered why the man would bring such negativity into such a positive day. But my lover was the type to be realistic even during moments of fantasy and pleasure, this I knew all to well, so perhaps he was merely commenting on the fact that every day wouldn't be sunshine and perfection. I knew that would be the case and was touched he had taken a moment to warn me. Eeteuk was considerate like that, always worrying about everyone but himself, so I took the time to worry about him reassuring him I would be just fine and knew what he was trying to impart...

{On those days we'll just dance in the rain waiting for the sun to come out.}

And I believed this whole heartedly. It was silly for Eeteuk to think any different but he did enjoy worrying so I took pleasure in helping him move away from such unfounded doubt. The reply came quickly this time and that made me wonder if he was done with his meeting. I was ready for the park and staying away from him was making me antsy with all this talk of clouds and discontent...

{As long as you love me the sun's warmth will never touch your cheek. Our happiness was in darkness and in darkness it must stay.}

Skipping antsy and moving straight into a light panic I tried to piece together what Eeteuk could be saying. As positive as my thoughts tried to stay I couldn't help but feel that something was amiss, that I wasn't going to get what I wanted, what I needed...

{You are the sun on my cheek. Going to the park at night is strange but as long as you promise to protect me we can go once the sun sets.}

Make a joke. I needed to diffuse this new tone our leader had set as soon as possible. He just missed me I tried to tell myself. Once he saw me smile for him again he'd have the same strong faith as I did in us and what we could become. Another quick reply shook my phone...and my heart...

{I was the hot breath on your cheek. The sun's already set Chullie-ah.}

Eyes darted out the window of my room. I knew the sun hadn't set but I still had to look. Be sure that I was wrong, but I didn't want to be wrong. I hated being wrong. Most importantly, this once, I couldn't let Eeteuk be right...

{The sun never has to set. Jungsoo-ah, I love you.}

Perhaps I had been too blunt but that was who I was and Jungsoo knew it. Perhaps it wasn't good that Jungsoo knew this...

{The sun never rose in the first place. Heechul don't do this, please. It doesn't have to be this way.}

Apparently I hadn't been blunt enough because Eeteuk didn't understand I couldn't breathe, that my eyes watered and ached even before I moved to reply. Thankfully I knew my phone's keypad by heart because I couldn't see the buttons through my tears...

{I'm not doing anything. You're the one pushing me away. Why are you pushing me away? Doesn't have to be what way?}

If he meant that I didn't have to cry as he threw my heart to the ground and stomped on it then maybe he didn't know me as well as I thought. It was still hard to breathe and I tried to calm down but I just couldn't. I felt sick to my stomach and I knew little would help that feeling. Of course, Eeteuk's reply only made it worse...

{You made a mistake. I thought you would understand Rella. You should know this can't work.}

I had the urge to dart into the bathroom and vomit. This urge so strong it moved me to the edge of my bed, feet dangling absently over the carpet as I quickly punched in a near frantic reply...

{You were wrong. I don't understand. I love you, why does that have to be so complicated?}

I wanted to call him but if he was still in a meeting he wouldn't answer. And if he was done with the meeting and still didn't answer I really would have to run into the bathroom. Why did it always end like this? Why did people push me away? Eeteuk wasn't the kind of guy to use people so...did I really make a mistake...

{Because you shouldn't love me. I'm not worth it.}

Did he have so say something so ridiculous? I shook my head and laughed softly, the sound vaguely hysterical...

{That's not for you to say. I think you're worth it.}

Chewing my lip I wondered why he thought this way. Why did Eeteuk have to think like this when it was so easy to just be happy? But was it really easy...

{You don't know any better. Just trust me. Why don't you go visit Hankyung?}

What in the world did Hankyung have to do with anything? I was partly scandalized and partly confused so I told Jungsoo as much in my reply...

{This has nothing to do with Hankyung. Why are you pushing me away?}

I could taste blood on my tongue. I'd chewed my lip too hard but I couldn't really focus on that right now because his replies were coming so fast now I couldn't barely think to react...

{You love Hankyung. I shouldn't have gotten between that in the first place. Just give him a call, hm? You'll feel better.}

His calm dismissive attitude was highly troublesome and well on it's way to becoming annoying. Who was he to tell me who I loved? I told him as much...

{I gave up on that a long time ago. He'll never love me, but I love you, why won't you love me?}

Why couldn't he see how easy this was? Love didn't have to be this complicated. Didn't he love me...

{My love is not in your best interests, please see this. You should call Hankyung, Rella.}

I was crying. I could feel the tears on my cheeks. Throughout the night I kept texting him, hoping he would respond or call, but he never did. As the night went on my sobs grew louder but no one came to check on me. I had done this to myself after all hadn't I? But no, I couldn't believe that if I wanted to stay sane. I couldn't believe Jungsoo didn't love me, had never loved me, but the fact he didn't want more was a reality I couldn't avoid or argue my way out of, he wouldn't let me. And as the days passed, just like he had promised, his love brought rain.