Our Tears

[TW] flowers for you

Author : xStarlight
Original publish on : archieve of our own | 2019
Author notes : based on past fics i've read, and the subtle asian depressed meme that i can get flowers on the 14th if i do something drastic on the 13th. also based on personal experience and feelings i just need to vent probably bc i'm an angsty and sad 19 year old child.

also don't listen to sad songs while reading, and recommended not shinee.

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jungsoo is beyond exhausted.

he doesn't know where it started either, this round of negative thoughts, feelings, emptiness, everything. before, it was manageable, where he could combat the subtle feelings of worthlessness and emptiness, and play them off really well - heck, he's even had good days where jungsoo felt like he could conquer the world. but lately, all of those feelings had died away, one by one, and he hadn't noticed until waking up felt like the hardest thing in the world.

jungsoo felt stupid. here he was, an able bodied human being, and he couldn't even open his fucking eyes in the morning for filming.

maybe it was because he hadn't fallen asleep until two hours ago. maybe it was because the amount of schedules on his platter were stacking up - what with i can see your voice, emceeing for under nineteen, and his cooking show? not to mention the other various programs that asked him to guest occasionally. maybe it was also because jungsoo was spending time in the studio, writing lyrics for a new song (another ballad? another super duper?), or sitting in meetings with lee soo man constantly.

jungsoo doesn't know when the hell it started, but the pressure on his chest was too large to ignore, and it was clearly keeping him in bed a lot longer than he wanted.

he forced himself to roll over to reach for his phone on the nightstand. it was done charging, so jungsoo unhooked it and began scrolling through social media. nothing coming up looked super appealing, but he double hearted them anyways. it's not like it was harmful anyways.

jungsoo switches his instagram account to his private account, the one nobody knows about, not even super junior members themselves. he liked the freedom of no name on it, or any kind of association on it. it lacked postings on it as well, so it was virtually impossible to link a private account with no posts or name to his name, his stage name. there, jungsoo scrolls down the feed, seeing the content that really matched his state right now.

jungsoo's private instagram is a feed full of sad, depressing quotes, meant to (somewhat) ease the hurt in his heart, the emptiness in his chest, and the loneliness within him.

he stops at a particular post. the instagram is dedicated to subtle asian depressed people, and jungsoo supposes he can relate to many of the content on the page (though he would never consider himself depressed, regardless of anything in the past - he was supposed to be recovered). it's a meme in english, and jungsoo doesn't understand it entirely, but he attempts to understand it anyways. by the few english words he recognizes and the numbers and pictures attached, his mind wanders.

flowers, jungsoo thinks to himself, what can i do this month for a simple bouquet of flowers.

even though jungsoo is popular enough amongst the entertainment industry to receive numerous bouquets all on his own accord, he doesn't feel the need to beg for them on social media. he's already vented on social media before to get some kind of attention, and all the messages that have followed since have had a bit of falseness behind it. the messages still soothe his tired heart, but it wasn't enough.

nothing jungsoo did was ever enough anyways.

the month of february always brings a bit of a damper to jungsoo's mood. although it would be easy for him to go out to the bar and get a one night stand, jungsoo also doesn't want a major scandal to come out of it - and he was already too exhausted to haul himself across seoul for something this ridiculous. he just wants someone loyal, someone who wouldn't leave him, someone who could be forever. he also wants the attention of someone, someone who would willingly give him affection, materialistic things, love, everything, without having to be asked sometimes.