Before You

Chapter 2

A few hours have passed since I left home, although it doesn't feel like it. I drove the speed limit for the most part, driving with my windows rolled down. I loved the heat from the sun that came into my car along with the coolness of a breeze. I listened to some of my favorite music while driving. Linkin Park, Evanescence, Creed, and Maroon 5 just to name a few. My mother entered my mind while listening to Maroon 5. She never liked the lead singer. She thought he had too many tattoos and therefore, was probably a bad influence like most of the music I listen to. I turned the volume up as high as it would go and repeated every lyric of the song out loud. Wanting to get out of the car for a break, I stopped at a small convenient store in Forsyth, GA to get gas. My stomach growled as I entered the store. Remembering that I didn't eat breakfast in anticipation of my trip, I grabbed a bag of chips and a sprite. I'm almost there. I only have around an hour left, and I'll be in Atlanta.

For most of my life, it's only been my mother and me. My parents divorced when I was almost five and I very rarely saw my father. He preferred to party and use whatever drug of choice his friends were using at the time. This made it easy for my mother to keep me away from him, and he didn't argue about it. He wasn't ready for the responsibilities of parenthood. As the years passed, he stopped using drugs, but still kept his distance. I would visit my grandmother on some holidays throughout the year and always hoped he would be there. Sometimes he would stop by for an hour and other times he never showed up. When we were around each other, I felt like he was a complete stranger. Just someone I would see in passing and nothing more. I didn't depend on him and had no expectations for our relationship. If my mother had her way, I would never have seen him, ever. I guess it no longer matters. My grandmother passed away when I was 16 years old. Her funeral was the last time I saw or heard from him. A quick pat on the shoulder was what he left me with that day.

My relationship with my mother is completely different today than it was while I was growing up. As a child, she was always so attentive to me. She always put me first and tried her best to raise me as a single parent. Education was a top priority in our home, and it didn't leave a lot of time for friends and extracurricular activities. Not like we had the money for those anyway. My mother worked as a receptionist Monday through Friday and would babysit our neighbor's son on the weekends to make ends meet. She clipped coupons out of the newspaper for food and we shopped at all of the second hand stores for the clothes and shoes that we needed. We lived off of necessity items only and never splurged on anything.

All of my college plans were thought of and made by her. The plan was to go to college in Savannah while living at home. I would major in Business Administration, complete my bachelor's degree, and graduate with a high GPA. Once I graduated and found a job with an acceptable pay, I would continue to live at home while saving my money for at least a year. Only then would I move out into my own place. My mother was so excited about the idea of me graduating from college, making my own money, and being able to fend for myself. Everyday she would tell me about the importance of taking care of yourself and not depending on anyone, especially men. I had a plan, the perfect plan according to her, to be the best. To be better and have more than she ever did.

Our relationship changed drastically when I was 17 years old. I met and quickly became friends with Boston, a girl in my Literature class. We were partnered up for a project and not by choice. She was definitely not the kind of person I usually surrounded myself with. Boston had short black hair and wore heavy makeup, including black eye shadow and a lot of mascara. Her clothes were always way too tight and she cussed like a sailor. I was very annoyed by her at first. However, the more we talked, the more I realized how much we had in common. We both had single mothers and no other siblings. Both of us were pretty much loners. She loved to tell jokes and I loved to laugh. We became very close friends. Boston made me question a lot about myself. Why wasn't I excited about going to college in Savannah? What about Business Administration did I love? Why don't I get out more instead of spending so much time at home? I was so intrigued by Boston and the freedom she seemed to possess. She was always so carefree and happy. Why wasn't I?

The more I hung out with Boston, the braver I became. I spent most of my time after school at Boston's house, meeting more of her friends, and going to the movies. I became pretty mouthy to my mother, but not much more than any average teenage girl I guess. I started wearing finger nail polish and applying more makeup. I felt great. I felt happy. I felt like a normal teenage girl. I still kept my grades up in school, but I was more carefree. This didn't go so well with my mother. She didn't like all of the changes that were happening. She wanted me home, studying around the clock, and not surrounding myself with people like Boston. She wanted me to be just hers. At least that's what it felt like.

Being friends with Boston put me into a new group of people at school. Zane, Mason, and Liz were among the ones we saw daily. Through her, I also met Gage. Gage had just graduated high school the previous year. He was tall with dirty blonde hair and had tattoos covering his entire left arm. He worked at a warehouse and would come over to Boston's house most days when he got off work. He always made it a point to be close to me and flirted way too much. I would brush him off, but secretly loved every minute of it. I even found myself jealous if he gave any attention at all to Liz, which he did at times. Sure, she was attractive. She was short, had long curly brown hair, wore tight clothes, bright pink lipstick, and her hips were too curvy for her age. Gage became my first boyfriend about a month after meeting him. We were always together, at Boston's house or his. My mother didn't know he was my "boyfriend" and would have never allowed him at our house anyway. I found myself infatuated with Gage and would do anything to make him happy. And did...

My first time was with Gage at his house. It wasn't at all like I thought it was going to be. Our time together was so far from the romantic thoughts I had imagined. We talked about our future and Gage even brought up the idea of getting married one day, even after only being together for about six months. I thought that I loved him and he loved me. A month passed by and my relationship with Gage changed so much. We continued to have sex often. I felt like our relationship was at its peak. I was making him happy and he loved me. That's all that mattered.

One afternoon after school, I decided to drop by his apartment on my way home. I knew he had just gotten off of work and I wanted to surprise him. After pulling in the parking spot, I jumped out of my car and ran to his door. I knocked three times and was preparing myself to jump into his arms for a warm embrace. The door opened and all I could focus on was bright pink lipstick. It was Liz. She had on a tight black shirt and was buttoning up her denim shorts. Gage unknowingly walked up beside her and we locked eyes. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like I was slowly suffocating and needed air fast. My feet started moving before I even knew what my actions would be. I ran back to my car as tears streamed down my face. Gage caught up to me and grabbed my arm before I could shut my car door. He stood before me, out of breath from running.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! It just happened! You know I love you. I know you'll forgive me. It was nothing. Just a thing", he said.

Standing in stillness, I felt like the world was spinning around me. I felt nauseous. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, yet I couldn't find the words to speak. When I finally could, I did what I knew I had to do. I ended things. Gage rebutted but I assured him I wouldn't change my mind. This was over. We were over. He gave up quicker than I thought he would. I thought he would fight for us, for me. When there was nothing left to say, he turned his back to me, slowly walking back to his apartment. Along with him went every ounce of innocence and trust I once had.