the boy who was afraid of the dark

friday 17:45, eliott

  i actually managed to escape my extremely dependent friends for one whole night. i was shocked at myself for being able to pull it off.

  this didn't stop them from blowing up my phone and asking where i was. they just assumed i would be hanging out with them, but i let them wonder; tonight is for my little lulu.

  we didn't have anything planned, which was typically off brand for me, but lucas rolls that way and tonight we were living like lulu.

  so he just told me that his roommates were out visiting family all weekend and to come over.

  i was walking on sunshine all the way to his apartment.

-  friday 18:16, eliott

  "you know," lucas looked up at me with his ocean blue eyes. "when you asked me for an official date, i didn't see ourselves sitting on my couch watching movies again on a friday night."

  i looked around. he was right. he sat snuggled into my embrace on the couch, keeping each other warm with both legs up on the cushions. the night was still young, and it was indeed a friday. on the tv screen in front of us played call my by your name, and on the coffee table our phones buzzed uncontrollably.

  i sighed, and let out a little chuckle.

  "i don't have a problem with that. we're living like lulu after all, no?" i kissed his head and smiled, despite his wild hedgehog hair getting all in my face.

  he smiled again, then looked back to the screen.

  it felt good to sit like that.
  with him on me, it made me feel comforted.
  not alone.
  loved.

  i don't get to feel this way very often.

  but just being in his presence always made me feel better. and now being wrapped so tightly around him that he couldn't get away if he tried, i felt secure. i felt like i had him, like he had me and there was nothing that could change that.

  lucille was gone.
  his roommates were gone.
  our relationship wasn't being carefully watched under the public eye.
  it was just me and him and him and me and no one else.

  "so," i inquired. "your roommates are visiting family?"

  "ya," lucas sighed, shifting closer to me. "manon and lisa are cousins and mika's family kicked him out real young when they found out he was gay. he was best friends with lisa at the time so the demissy's took him in as their own and adopted and raised him."
  "it's so terrible," he shook his head. "but mika's a lot happier as mika demissy."

  i looked down.
  hearing that sort of brought on a new reality. it let it set in. shit like that happens. it still happens. family can stop loving family. blood stops loving blood for being gay. for loving boys when you're a boy. or loving girls when you're a girl. or being a boy but being born a girl or vice versa. or for not identifying in the two "perfect" scientific genders, boy or girl.

i looked over at our buzzing phones.

  people don't understand that the world isn't black and white. and people hate other people over this. hate is real. hate is very painfully real and it shows in every aspect of someone's life.
  is hate more powerful than love?
  can anything defeat hate anymore?

  "oh," i managed to mumble. "that's so sad."

  mika's alone.
  everyone's alone.
  i am alone.

  what would my family say about lucas? it wasn't just me and him and him and me anymore. it was me and him and him and me and society. they rule everything.
  they would hate me, right?

  my family would hate me.

  right?

i didn't want to feel loved anymore. i wanted to be what i am: alone. i needed to be alone.

  but before i could get up and say i needed to leave, lucas reached over and powered both of our phones off.

  he looked up and locked his gorgeous, loving, passionate eyes into mine. he brushed his finger underneath my eye.
  "you're crying." he whispered, in his comforting voice.

  i blinked. was i crying? i didn't notice.
  a tear fell down my cheek.
  oh. i guess i was.

  he brushed the other tear away, "you don't need to cry, sunshine. mika is okay, he is happy. the world is a different place for us. we live in a city. not a small roman catholic town. our friends, our families, they love us. we have them. and even if we don't, we have each other. mika wasn't alone. neither are we."

  his eyes sparkled with his gentle smile. they reached out to me, held me. his hands cupped my face.

  my heart was racing, beating, throbbing, exploding.
  i've never felt this way about anyone before.

  i've never felt such a connection to someone.

  i have never felt so close to someone.

  i reached my hand up and brushed his face, ending my fingers up intertwined into his hair. i gently returned the smile.

  then i reached in and kissed him, just as i want to every minute of every hour.

  when i pulled away, his smile hadn't changed. but his face looked as though he wanted more.

  so i delivered.

  i lifted him up closer to me and settled him down on top.
  he sunk his fingers into my hair and i wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into the kiss.

  he pushed his body against mine, now fully relying on me.

  i smiled. he smiled.

  we smiled.
  and we kissed.