Hesitate

Chapter 39

Killian POV-

Zero and the babies were sleeping in the room. My father, Evan and the dumbshit were already in the mansion since the visiting hours were over. I couldn't sleep, actually I haven't sleep well this past few weeks. I just couldn't... no without Zero in the bed with me. I actually wanted so bad to go back to him, I missed him like crazy but if I did go back... it was more likely that I would had take out my anger on him. I'm aware that most times when I'm mad, I can't control myself. That's why I wanted to have space to think without hurting Zero and the babies but in the end I did it somehow.

I sigh and stand up, it would be nice to have a walk.

"W-where are you going? Are y-you leaving a-again?"

I turned around to see Zero looking at me sleepily. I smile sweetly at him. If someone told me in the past that I will be smiling like this, Iwould have laughed so hard but look at me now... this boy has stolen my heart.

"Nah baby, I was going to walk around. Did I wake you up?" I asked him walking closer to his bed.

"K-kind of... why are you going outside? Is something bothering you?" Yes, I hurt you and our babies, I wanted to said but I couldn't found the courage to say it.

Instead I lie, "No, everything is fine. I just couldn't sleep. Sorry for waking you up."

" you are lying..." Zero whispered, looking at me with a frown.

" You shouldn't worry about it, okay? You need to rest." I said not wanting to talk more about the issue, but also telling the truth... he still need to rest and so the babies too.

"No-No Killian ! I waited for you at at h-home everyday... I was w-worried. I wanted to b-be with you but you never came. Y-you were crying l-last time.... that means something really bad happened ... please trust me. " Zero said looking at his lap crying. This was a very rare sight, no the part of him crying but the part of his voice being mixed with anger. With that, I know he was not only upset but also pissed with me. I wanted to hugged him to make him stop crying but as soon as I went closer to him, he turned around.

"Don't. I don't n-need hugs. If you don't want to tell me j-j-just l-leave. " He said raising his voice a bit.
I don't know if it's because of the medicine that he is acting like that but it really hurt me. He has never told me to leave.

I looked down. Guess is the time to talk about it with him. I wanted to wait until he was out of the hospital. This is not something that involves him but he is my fiance, he has the right to know beside it was the reason that he was so stress about.

I backed off from his bed, not wanting to make him even angry. He quickly looked at me, his eyes showing regret when our eyes met, I looked down at my shoes as if there were the most interesting thing. He was about to said something but I cut him off.

"I wanted to go home, believe me when I said that I wanted to but .... I didn't wanted to take all my anger out on you. I know myself well enough to know that if I went home, I would had done that.  Like I said before, Emily wanted to talk with me. I was pissed with at my father, I couldn't believe he wanted me to go and talk to her after all the thing she did to you.... we were in the mansion. She started to apologize for helping Elizabeth kidpnap you. She even apologized for not being there with me when I was little. It was hard not to believe her since all I could saw was honestly and regret in her eyes. That day my father and Emily told me their secret... guess what?" I asked, mostly to pity myself.
I felt how the feeling of being humiliated went back to me. Tears were rolling down my cheeks again.
"I am not my father's successor... I am a fucking bastar, a fucking child who was the creation of my fucking  mother's adventure with another man. Everything that I lived and believed was a fucking lie. My "father" knew about that... since I was 6 years old, he never told me. He made me believe that I was a important person because I was his "son". He knew it and I live my life as fucking lie and I was stupid enough to believe it. I remembered this time when I was 6 years when he didn't even talked to me for almost a fucking year. I thought I did something to upset him, but in reality he founded out about my mother cheating... I was pissed... I killed her. I killed my own mother... with my own bare hands. My father just stood there watching me killing his "first love"." I cried. "Yeah, I was still going to killed her but I wasn't gonna to do it myself. Not like that" I mumbled. When I finished talking I was a mess, my tears uncontrollably kept falling down.

I felt a had on my chin making me look up. Zero was no better than me, his eyes were red and tears were all over his face.

"You didn't li-lived you life as a lie. I-I know that you father's lo-love is real. He did everything to keep you s-safe and he e-even help me. Please don't be sad, I don't l-like seeing you sad." He said hugging me. His words made my heart stop hurting and his touch  calmed me down. I guess he is right, I may not be his son but in the end he was there for me since the first day, even more than Emily.

"W-why aren't you hugging m-me back?" Zero asked still sobbing.

"You told me you didn't need hugs." I mumble.

"I didn't actually m-mean that, you du-dummy " he chuckled.

"Mmmm... stop that. Didn't you remember what I told you before about crying?" I asked hugging him back. Zero blushed and buried his face on my chest.

"Let's sleep little one." I kissed the crown on his head and slowly let myself close my eyes.

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Okay I have to clear this, last chapter I wrote about Jonell being diagnostic with autism and Asperger, let me clear that this is a Fiction story. Autism and Asperger can not be diagnosed when the kid is a newborn, it mostly detected when the kid is a teenager and they are showing signs like difficulty to socialize, but not every case is the same. Sorry if I somehow offended someone.

Also I will like to said again, I'm not the best at English since is not my first language, I know how people is mad at that🤷‍♀️ I even know how some of you added this story as "horrible grammar" 😂😂 hilarious but is true. This book would and does not have a good grammar. You are free to correct them if you want, I would edit this book if people comment the errors. I'm really trying. I know that I sometimes forgot what I write and that I confuse people ages and names but hey no one is perfect.

I hope you liked this chapter! Again thanks for voting and reading this book it make me want to continue writing. Now just a question... please if you read this, answer.

you guys want me to write their whole wedding preparations or do you guys want to read just a little of the wedding and more about their time as a family ?

Have a good night/day !!

~g maker 💚