Untying a knot (falling in love): MATURE CONTENT

e x p l o r i n g f e e l i n g s

m i l l i e

It'd been a week since the incident with Hussain had happened. I was now looking through the window watching the darkness fall whilst sipping hot tea.

A couple days before Luke had checked and made sure that me and Emily were safe from Hussain. Once he was convinced he let us go, but the remaining time we we're staying at his he wouldn't let us out of his sight, especially me.

During the period of time we spent together, some how mine and Luke's relationship grew closer and stronger, considering I didn't even know that was possible.

I didn't really mind..but I was scared. I didn't really know what I was scared about though. It all seemed a dream, that I'd come so close to Forced marriage, that I was abused by the person I was being forced to marry. And marrying my own teacher. The teacher who I was incredibly close with and couldn't live without because he helped me with everything. And stood by my side throughout thick and thin.

But I was still scared of me and Luke's relationship. I was scared for Me and Luke.

But I was also feeling far to suicidal. Mentally drained and empty like I had no perspective for life. I hadn't seen Luke since he'd dropped me and Emily at our apartment. But I just wanted to be isolated.

I wanted to be dead.
I just didn't want to live through all of this. I didn't want to go through anymore because I was too tired to. And no matter what happened nobody was aware or realised. I just had no idea what to do with anything at this point.

I hated myself for..everything. I hated myself for being the person I'd become. Over the course of the last couple days I couldn't say that I hadn't been cutting. But I didn't want anybody to ask me about it, because the cuts were far to Severe and I didn't know how to lie about them. And I hated myself for that. I just hated every little bit about me. I felt like I annoyed everybody with my problems. Because I could never be happy. I hated that I was putting Luke through so much pain. I hated myself so so much..I just didn't want to look at myself.

Hot tears trickled down my face. My chest tightened as I realised I was crying. I sighed loudly leaning my forehead onto the condensed glass of the window. My vision becoming blurry from the water that had formed in my eyes.

I slammed the cup of tea down onto the window sill as I cried harder, the warm drink spilling everywhere.

I walked over to my bed opening the draw of the bedside table, pulling out a familiar brown tattered envelope. I poured out the contents of the envelope onto the surface of the bedside table, all shapes and sizes of blades clattering down onto the nightstand.

I picked up one of the big blades, which had come from an exacto knife. And though I knew I shouldn't have done it, I put the blade to my arm and started cutting through tears.

Blood bubbled through every cut I made, it oozing down my arms. I cried harder and harder with every cut. I felt absolutely stupid and helpless.

I continued cutting. I was so concentrated on it I never heard the door ring. I never felt the pain, my arm was numb. I never heard Emily shouting that Luke was here. I never felt myself crying harder and harder. I never heard Luke and Emilys discussion of where I was. I never heard Luke coming into my room and panicking.

But I only was aware of everything when Luke pulled my hand away from my arm, accidentally cutting deeply.

I clung onto the metal in my hand letting it slice my fingers and stood frozen in fear with my back turned to Luke. I cried harder and harder and it hurt so much.