you didn't love anything and you mean it. okay,maybe you love your parents but you were never affectionate towards them,and they were never affectionate towards each other. how could you believe in love if you never saw it with your own two eyes?
you had a nanny that you remember you had fun with up until you were 11,you loved her like how you should've loved your own mother. ever since your parents fired her that's when you realized you don't love anything now. at 13 you had discovered that you pick your skin,too much that you only realize you were doing it when it was already bleeding. you were always embarrassed about your fingers because of the wounds picking your skin constantly has left. it was disgusting,you thought.
you spent most of your time studying,you were a serious kid in high school. you only had one friend,taeyong. you both grew up with rich families and had always arranged for private classes that always had a maximum of 10 students in the room so that you could focus on your studies. no problem for you and taeyong since you both enjoyed each other's company anyway.
sometimes taeyong notices you picking your skin but he's never commented about it. he was your only friend but you never let yourself get too used to him. he was arranged to be married,just like how you were going to be. "things would've been a lot easier if it was the two of us arranged to be married." he said while you two were eating in the cafeteria. you nod,it was true,although you two don't have feelings for each other,at least you get along well. "have you met her?" you asked him and he shook his head. "i don't care anyway." he shrugged. "how bout you?" he asked and you just fiddled with your fork. "nope." you said. taeyong sighed deeply which made you look at him weird. "why?" you questioned. "i'm upset yknow i want to find someone i actually like,but apparently i was born without that option." you felt sorry for taeyong because unlike you,he actually had emotions. he loves puppies,he has friends in his neighborhood,he loves sweets,especially chocolates, and he also loves you like a sister. he had told you that before but you were confused,what was that supposed to feel like,loving someone. you were sure you cared for taeyong,you were sure of it but love? "you say you don't believe in love but you do,you love me too,it's just that you think love is just for couples,you actually love a lot of things don't think i don't notice."
what he said made something click in your brain. you do know love,you just haven't had your first love,the ones you see in movies where they spew out corny bullshit. you complete me?bullshit. "i don't see you missing any limbs or fingers,maybe common sense that's what you lack",you remember saying when you watched jerry maguire. the world doesn't stop because of a person,and you won't find love because it's not real.
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at 20 you parents finally introduced you to your future husband,jung jaehyun. he was aight,you thought. he's polite and charming. you can't help but think that he's just pretending to be this nice guy but underneath all that he's actually fucked 20 girls this past week. still,you just agree to all this,just let your parents do whatever they want as long as they leave you alone,as long as they buy you a canvas and paint you don't care about the rest of the world. you did whatever they want anyway,so they just let you study fine art under the condition that you marry the great son of a chaebol,jung jaehyun...jung y/n,jung y/n...doesn't sound so bad. you didn't protest,you weren't keen on looking for love anyway. you were civil with jaehyun,you tried your best but you always failed,it's not him. he's not the problem,the problem is that you don't know how to show affection to anyone.
at 21 you guys were married. jaehyun took care of business and you just did whatever you want. you weren't a headache to jaehyun since you stayed out of his way most of the time,and for someone who grew up filthy rich,you didn't bathe yourself in jewelry and expensive bags.
you slept on separate rooms,both of your parents don't know this. you both agreed to keep it a secret. truthfully,jaehyun wanted to sleep beside his wife,he wanted to try and make this less painful as possible by trying to make you fall for him,actually be a good husband to you,but he quickly learned that you just want to be left alone.
