Never Have I Ever

Chapter 12

Celia just leaves, doesn’t answer my question. She’s taken it worse. I have to choose, it’s my punishment for my ins, and I can understand that. But surely they respect me enough to understand that the decision isn’t made by my free will, I genuinely have no choice in the matter. I wish they understood it. But they don’t, and I guess I have myself to blame.

I sit, watching the sun rise over the fence, frozen stiff by the turmoil rolling in my head. Ember’s the first from the house, to prep for the next round. She embraces me, and I push her off, none-too-gently.

“What’s happened?”

“Celia found out about my ultimatum. I have to pick. Who can’t I live without. It’s an unfair question. I can’t predict the future. How the fuck am i supposed to know how I’ll feel in fifteen years? Fifty?”

“She told me. I know it’s hard. But she said it wasn’t her. That true?”

“I think it’s another game. They’re trying to make me choose to drive a wedge. But if worse comes to worse, I’m still not going to pick. It’s not my place. If you idiots decide to do stupid challenges and get yourselves killed, that’s not my fault. I know I’ll stick by whoever gets out, and I’ll promise you that. But Celia’s bitter because I told her I’m not going out of my way to protect her. I shouldn’t have to. She’s strong enough to handle herself and is eighteen. She doesn’t need a babysitter to make sure she doesn’t poke a toe out of line. She’ll have fun in UCLA. if she doesn’t buck her ideas up, they’re gonna laugh her out of college. There’s a reason there’s an age limit. There should be a maturity one too.”

“She’s always been like that. Needy of others. Part of the reason we clashed so much. I’m too independent to have someone clinging on to me. Can you imagine Celia if I took her racing? If we went out to the circuit and even left her on the sideline? She’d be having a fit the whole time and probably cost me my bike. It’d be a disaster. She just needs a full-time babyitter half the time, you’re right, someone fun but doesn’t take loads of risks. I’m too extreme.”

“I can get that, y’know? It’s part of what caused my incompatibility with Jack, the fact that I’m too risk-taking. He thinks women should be kept safe at home, where I’d rather be in the middle of every fray, and on top on every fight. He can’t grasp that, and neither can Cecelia. I think it’s better that they’re together now, they fit together really well.”

“I didn’t come out here to talk about feelings, I came here to talk to you ‘bout everything that’s been going on. How’re you really holding up? You’ve been really strange. There’s been something off about you and I can’t place it. You can talk to me, Seraph.”

“Strange how?” I ask, attempting to deflect the question. I don’t want to talk about myself. I want to be a bitch about other people with the only person who couldn’t give a crap about whether I’m slagging them off or not. I love Ember and all, but when she gets nosy, she’s tenacious, and not in a good way. She never knows when to fuck off.

“You’ve been surprisingly quiet. When everything’s been kicking off, you’ve tried to stay out of it. With the exception of setting Sam on fire. But I’ll agree, he probably deserved to die so Mason could live. But you’ve been off. I don’t know what’s up.”

“I’ve been quiet until I can assess the situation and understand what’s going on. Who’s really in control here?”

“I would have said Chelsea, before she killed herself.”

The words hang in the air between us, an undispellable smoke of memories in the air.

“But who now?”