Random Oneshots

I Hope That You Burn

*angsty kleinsen*

a/n: be aware, this is super angsty! if you don't want to see evan being an arse to jared, then skip this chapter! also tw for suicide, sorryyyy. and trans!jared though.

I loved him.

I was with him from the start, and he dumped me for fucking Zoe Murphy.

I throw a forgotten email to Connor onto the flames.

I'd been his friend for years, and he's known Zoe for a year.

I loved him.

Scrap that, I still love him.

Yet another shirt he gave me for my birthday goes onto the fire.

He thought that he'd never be with anyone.

I had to listen to him talking shit about himself until he 'fell' out of that fucking tree.

But after that it was just "Connor, Connor, Zoe, Connor, Zoe, Zoe, help me write emails to my totally not boyfriend, Zoe, Zoe, Zoe, Connor".

And yet I still love him.

There goes that photo of us of Disneyland, with those giant turkey legs.

He loves Zoe, and he's not even gay.

God, I'm such a fuck-up.

Falling in love with a straight guy and then pretending I don't like him by pretending he's gay for Connor fucking Murphy?

That's low, even for a Kleinman.

I stare into the flames and think abou the good times we had.

We used to play in the park everyday.

We would play mommies and daddies with the other kids, he was the dad and I would be the mom.

That's when I thought we would be together forever.

I thought he was mine.

Poor ignorant young child.

Back then, I was Khloe, so being the mom wasn't weird, but then I realized I hated everything about myself.

I still do, but at least I'm legally Jared now.

He was the first person I told.

The binder he bought me in June the year I told him I was trans. Into the fire.

Mark Evan Hansen, you're an asshole, fuck you, but I love you.

I know he hates me, but I'll always love him.

Even if it doesn't seem like I do, I do.

A scrapbook of our friendship I got for my birthday when I was 5 or 6.

I never want to see him again, but I just wanna hug him and kiss him and do other things with him and tell him how much I love him.

But he hates me.

Was he ever mine?

Did I ever have him?

An old polo shirt he gave to me at a party into the roaring flames.

Alana and my parents and everyone warned me this would happen, but I didn't listen. I was too lovesick to listen.

I never deserved a friend.

He was good until all that Connor shit.

Fuck him!

I don't need someone else to validate my existense!

I look beside at the pile of polaroids, bandages, out of date anti-depressiants and sharp objects.

Yes, I do.

I need him back.

I'm not the same without him.

I pick up the anti-depressiants. They never worked anyway.

If I do this, I won't have the pain anymore.

The pain of knowing I'll never be with him.

The pain of being in love with a straight guy.

The pain of loving boys. Actually, scrap that, one boy.

The pain of what Mark Evan Hansen does to you.

7'll be enough, right? I'll die if I take 7 of them?

I could not do this.

I could just bear the pain.

I could just have no friends and still be in love with Evan.

But where's the fun in that?

I grab a glass of water.

God, I'm messed up.

I'm sorry.

To Alana Beck, for being a shit friend.

To Zoe Murphy, for basically pushing Evan onto you.

To Connor Murphy, for lying about you.

To my parents, for leaving you like this.

To Evan's parents, for helping your son lie.

To Connor's parents, for lying about your son.

To the people in my musical theatre club, for being a fuck-up during rehearsals, but good on the performances.

And lastly, to one Mark Evan Hansen, for falling in love with you.

I put the pills in my mouth and gulp down the water, swallowing them.

God, I feel drowsy.

And happy.

I should've done this earlier.

It feels like a release of all my pain.

I'm burning all the drafts of emails to Connor, yes, I kept them.

Burning all the memories.

Anything that could redeem him, burnt.

Mark Evan Hansen, I hope that you burn.

a/n: writing "mom" was so weird to me, british problems.

sorry about that.

i promise i love y'all.

i love y'all, stay safe, you're beautiful and valid and amazing.

-lizzie