Theories of Insanity

18 | Defense

December

18 | Defense

Monday, December 4, 2017

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Insanity:

Getting offended at someone asking you to come to the gym with them...after calling an entire mediation about not being included and wanting to be invited to the gym.

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            I was not a passive-aggressive person whatsoever. I preferred to be completely aggressive, if we're being honest—confrontation was the easiest and quickest way to find a solution when there was a problem. I didn't slam things down on the kitchen counter and hope that people realized I was upset—I told them I wasn't alright with what was going on.

            So, I decided to do that with Samantha.

            We had discussed everything about two weeks earlier, right before Thanksgiving break. She had denied intending her comments about my taste or the clothing in the mall to come off as rude, but, to her credit, did apologize for how they came out, which I appreciated. We were on good terms, and that was something I was thankful for.

            Thanksgiving break had come and gone, involving Ashley and I being the only ones in the apartment and singing Christmas songs and baking cookies to our hearts' desires for the entire week. One of the most interesting things we decided to do over break, however, was download Tinder.

            Both of us were feeling a bit down about not having anyone to spend the holidays with, so I had come up with the perfect solution: why not get free ego boosts from guys who were under the impression they might be able to get into our pants? (1) It had taken some convincing to get Ashley on board, but by the beginning of December, both of us were showing each other the messages we were getting from guys on an hourly basis.

            I didn't plan on going out with anyone from Tinder. It was sad, really—who honestly dated people on a dating app, like they couldn't find anyone in real life to date them? (2) But it was nice to get messages from guys telling me that I was cute or sending other flirty messages. It was also incredibly easy to not commit to a date with any of them—the second I said I was busy on a day they suggested, they stopped trying. It was so easy.

            But of course, we still had to keep up our appearances.

            So, after classes on Monday night, Ashley and I were getting ready to head to the gym. It was freezing outside—after Thanksgiving had passed it seemed as if the entire universe was on ice. We bundled ourselves up in our giant winter coats and insulted leggings before I remembered what Rebecca had said about including Madison and Samantha in whatever we were doing.

            "Let's be good people." I muttered to Ashley, who nodded. Samantha wasn't home, but Madison was typing an essay in our room.

            "Hey, Madison?" I asked, waiting until she turned around to continue speaking, "Do you want to come to the gym with us? We're headed there right n—"

            "Excuse me?" Madison scoffed, "Me? I don't need to go to the gym." Her voice was at an absurd volume for someone who had just been asked one question, and Ashley and I both backed away slowly.

            "Alright, sorry. Just thought we'd ask."

            Madison rolled her eyes before gesturing down to her perfectly skinny 115-pound frame.

            "Well, think better next time."

            Ashley and I left the apartment before busting up laughing at the absolute lunacy of what had just happened.

            "She literally eats 3,000 calories a day and doesn't exercise. I don't know how that works." Ashley shook her head, "But at least we can say that we tried."

            I rolled my eyes, still laughing.

            "Was that for real? Like, that was a real reaction to an invitation to go to the gym?"

            Ashley nodded.

            "Our lives could be turned into a movie, you know."

            I nodded my agreement—although the worst was yet to come.

***

            I have a very important question.

            I was slightly surprised by the message I received that night on Tinder from a guy I had just matched with a few hours ago, Michael. Most guys started out with a compliment or some weird kissing emoji, so I was immediately intrigued by what this very important question could be.

            Yes?

            Scrolling through Tinder had unfortunately become my bedtime routine—but honestly, who wouldn't want to end their night by looking at pictures of hot guys? (3)

            Would you rather look or smell like a fish?

            I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the question, taking my time in determining my response.

            Smell like a fish, for sure.

            His reply was immediate.

            Why?

            I shrugged before responding with a message that apparently was the reason I heard from this guy again.

            Well, who would want to look like a fish?

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Theory:

Disliking someone often seems to turn into bothering them regardless of whether or not you're actually upset about what they're doing.

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(1) Not really, though. Everyone knew Legered's reputation when it came to sex.

(2) Me, apparently, actually.

(3) Although, if we're being honest, 90% of those guys were not attractive at all.