749km Away From Home

Nauseated

Thank you so so so much to everyone that's been reading lately ❤
I couldn't stay to explain what that means to me. I'm just beyond grateful ❤
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My bottom half was drenched in my own urine.... I couldn't remember when or even doing it at all but I peed myself.

I knew it was disgusting and I wanted to get up but I felt glued to where I was.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I barely even blinked.

I felt like my mental state was finally collapsing, slowly but surely....

The dead body in front of me taunted me. I felt responsible.
I should have just let him leave when that monsterous man offered him another girl. He was dead because he tried to help me and soul would be burdened by that for as long as I lived.

It kept repeating in my head and I wished I could have done something but it just happened to fast.

After I was brutally raped in the butt, I genuinely didn't think things could have gotten any worse only to witness murder barely an hour later....

It felt like life was playing it's cruelest joke on me.

The door opened and usually that would be enough to get my heart racing but I felt so numb, Satan himself could have walked through the door and I wouldn't have cared....

It was the monsterous man again accompanied by several other men.

He was holding a bucket, some detergent, a towel and a scrubbing brush.

To my surprise, he didn't even acknowledge me, neither did the men.

They were there to move the body.

I didn't want to watch.... I kept screaming at myself to just look away but I didn't.
I say there and looked at the entire gut wrenching scene play out in front of me.

I searched that monsterous man's face for any sign of emotion or remorse but there was none.... He seemed annoyed if anything.

I knew he was an awful human being but I couldn't comprehend how any one person can be so heartless... So remorseless. It literally gave me chills.

The whole process was done in less than 10 minutes tops and the men were gone.
When that awful man didn't follow them I braced myself for the worst.

Another beating, a lecture... both ... something else? I had no idea....
I just knew it wasn't going to be pleasant.

I saw him walk towards me from the corners of my eyes but I refused to look at him.

"You're....... Disgusting" , he blurted out.

He dropped the bucket at me feet.

"I really wanna beat the shit out of  you right now, but I need you wholesome for the clients..... So guess what? You get to clean up the blood of your little friend! .....  and your vomit to, it's very repulsive" her said ever so casually.

Why didn't this man just crucify me?

I looked at the thick red blood coating the concrete floor and stomach twisted into a million knots. I was expecting unpleasant but that was just inhumane.

"I mean now though, so get up..." He ordered. When I didn't move. He rolled his eyes.

"Here let me help you" ,he said before violently grabbing my hair, dragging me to the blood and shoving me onto the ground.

I squeled as I felt the blood under my knees and palms...
"Have fun!" He said cheerily and left.

I was instantly nauseated.

I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I held on to the toilet bowl and cried.
He murdered someone.... I kept telling myself. Between that and the fact that he wanted me to clean up the aftermath... I had no idea which one would send me of the edge sooner.

I finally mustered up the courage to get started.

I felt just as nauseated as before but I just wanted to get it over with.

I started soaking up the blood with the tiny towel and wringing it out in the bucket and repeating until it was all gone and I was left with only the stains to scrub.

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. My hands became weary and the scars on my knees started opening again but refused to stop.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flinched back.... It was Maya staring at me worriedly. I hadn't even heard when the door opened or her footsteps coming down the stairs.

"I'm just... Scrubbing- scrubbing the  blood..." I said to her and started scrubbing again.
She kneeled beside me and turned me to her " No more blood there" she said motioning me to look at the ground.

I looked and she was right....  There was only a faint redness on the concrete..

I dropped the scrubbing brush and just sat for a while.

"He was just trying to help me..." I whispered to her looking at the blood that stained my hands. "and n-now, he's.... Dead... Be-because of me", I continued to stammer out to her showing her my hands.

She was silent.

"I just want to wake up from this nightmare" I said under my breath.

"You go shower now, I do the rest" she said looking at the dirty bedsheets and vomit on the floor.

I got up, walked to the bathroom, turned on the shower and stood under the water exactly as I was.
Most of the blood washed off my body but there was some stained on my hands and the moment I noticed it I started rubbing at it.

I felt so filthy. I rubbed as hard as I could but it just didnt seem to want to come of.

"No no no" ,I screamed as I started feeling frustrated.

"Maya" I cried out.

She came running.

"What happened?" She asked

"It won't come of, help me get it off........it - it - it won't come of" I cried showing her my hands.

"What? What won't come of?" She asked frantically.

"The blood! Can't you see!!?" I yelled still harshly rubbing at my hands.

I held them up to show her only they were clean.

"I'm going insane aren't I?"