Lapidot oneshots

13-Habits-(Angst)

In the beginning it was just the feeling of her presence not being near. It was just the constant tears, the constant staying up late at night, the constant skipping out on thing to do with friends. That was all it was, that was; until I started to remember habits. Things that don't hit you until they can't be done anymore.

6:00 AM

I wake up to an alarm, the one I never turned off, the one that was set for her. I roll over to hit her shoulder and wake her up, knowing how heavy of a sleeper she is. However, now my hand will always hit a cold surface. I turn my head and see the side of bed that was hers. Made almost perfect, only disturbed slightly from me. That's how it's been every morning.

7:00 AM

I've just finished breakfast. Breakfast for two. I grab two plates, and two forks. I set them both down and stare at the table set for two people. However, the table will only be serving one. I make my plate at least and the left overs sit on the counter. I sit and eat, barley anything.
It's like this every morning.....

11:00 AM

I just got off the phone with my best friend, his wife is pregnant. And in a rush of excitement I go to her contact and push the call button.
1 ring.
2 rings...
3 rings......
each ring only makes me remember the fact that she'll never pick up. The fact that no matter how many time I try. I will always be sent to voice mail. But the worst part is. I always sit and listen to the voicemail. Just to hear her voice, the same voice that brought me so much joy over the years. The voice that taught me that every weed is a flower; just trying to make shit work. The voice that spoke so many "I love you's". The same voice I'll never hear again... it's like this everytime I call her

3:00 PM

I have to run to the store to get some things to get the things I need for dinner and even for later this week. I get dressed and everything. Go downstairs, grab my keys, walk out and get into the car, starting it. I then pull out my phone and open her contact once again. This time to text her. 
"I have to go to the store. Do you wa-"
That's where I stop. She won't receive the text. She won't respond. She won't even read it. I delete the text and turn the phone off, throwing it into the passenger seat. It's like this everytime I have to leave the house.

6:30 PM

It's around this time she would be home. Every car I hear drive by makes me excited, I look out the window to see the driveway. Just a random car.... I keep waiting for the familiar sound of her car. The one that will tell me she is finally home and her can cuddle on the couch and watch our favorite shows. So I can be in her warm embrace and smell the scent that makes me feel safe. But I can never have that again.
It's been like this every day.

7:30PM

It's just a repeat of breakfast.
Two plates.
Enough food for two people.
Two forks.
Two knifes.
Two places set.
But only for one person to enjoy.
Every dinner is like this.

9:00 PM

Her favorite show is on, but it's also the show I hate. But I always watched it with her, because I wanted her happy at all cost. Even if it meant my entertainment of a actual good show. It meant I got to snuggle into her arms and just be at peace. Now I just hug and bawl my eyes out into the pillow as the show play in the background. It's been like then every night.

10:00 PM

And everyday this is how it ends, I lay on my side of the bed. Cuddling one of her shirts, usually wearing one of her hoodies. The ones that are 3 sizes to big for me. As I lets the tears fall down onto my pillow and the sheets. I know she would have hated to see me like this, I know she wants me to be strong. But she was my main source of strength, encouragement, and everything else. At these time we would usually have our deepest conversation. And share our dreams. However, it's quiet besides for my choked sobs. I clutch the shirt and continue.

4:00 AM

This is usually the time I've cried myself to sleep.
This is how my life has been.

Every moment on the day.

It's like this.

The habits get to me.

But I can't control it.

It's been like this.....

Ever since Lapis was murdered.

I miss her....

I love her....

I love Lapis......

I..... loved her....

——-

Much love ❤️
~Red