𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

two [s]

saturday,
march 23rd, 2020

SHAWN MENDES

It's been two weeks and I cannot stop thinking about her. Her crazy beautiful curls, her mesmerising and alluring eyes. Her lips, her body, the way her glasses sit on her little nose. Fuck, I can't get her off my mind.

Maybe it was wrong, but earlier when I showered I closed my eyes and used my hand to imagine her wrapped snugly around me like before. No, it was definitely wrong, considering Jade is coming over tonight and we're going to make dinner together for a little date night.

Jade and I aren't very serious, but we get along great and she keeps me company. She lives on the outskirts of the city, whereas I live in the heart of Toronto.

I relocated to Toronto rather than New York because the main thing keeping me there was Trinity. NY is closer to LA than Canada, but when we ended, so did my motivation to live in a city that was too foreign to me to be permanent. I moved to Toronto to be closer to my family, but living in my own condo gives me a newfound sense of maturity that I love.

Scott lives close by in the city too, he plays basketball full time with the Toronto Raptors. After participating in a championship match, the manager of the Raptors stopped to talk with Scott at the end of the game. He immediately offered him a placement, to which Scott was over the moon with. Of course he accepted, and now he's living life. He also has a pretty serious girlfriend, he's talking to me about proposing lately.

On the relationship side of things, Jade is the first girl I've developed some sort of connection with. She's funny and easy going and we're quite similar in certain ways. She loves basketball and music, but doesn't pursue either professionally. She's studying photography and media in U of T. She's also very intelligent, something that I find insanely attractive about her.

After Trinity and I broke up, I spent a long six months getting drunk almost every day and sleeping with random women nearly every night of the week. I don't know how my career survived, it was that intense. I poured my emotions into sex. It was a sense of freedom for me when I felt such immense heartbreak.

After those six months, my friends and band mates sat me down and confronted me about how awfully I was acting. I was a complete womaniser; something I never thought I'd become again. Upon realising how disgusting it was to sleep around as much as I did, I stopped drinking cold turkey and remained celibate for nearly four months.

When I finally had sex again, it was with a girl I had met when I was in Cologne for some promo. My whole team was at a festival and I met this girl named Kyla. She was an attractive older woman with silky dark hair and gorgeous eyes. I spent the night at her hotel room and when we woke up we talked for a while about how we both weren't looking for a relationship. The sex was great, but I seriously wasn't up for anything further just yet. That was that, I left her room with a goodbye hug.

I only recently started drinking again, and I've set a limit to four drinks max for every time I go out. I engaged in a rare few one night stands before I met Jade. Jade and I still haven't had sex, we're taking things slow. Now this makes me feel proud and mature. Pride isn't something I should feel, relationships aren't all about sex and I should've known that. But I do know that now, and I'm happy with Jade. We don't want our relationship to be purely based off of sex. I've learned from those rough six months and have grown from it. A part of me also thinks that if I keep Jade and I's relationship very different from Trinity and I's, maybe things will turn out better and I'll end up happy with somebody at last. Even though I'm only 21, I've had my fair share of fuck ups when it comes to love.