𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

five [s]

friday,
march 29th, 2020

SHAWN MENDES

"How're things with Jade?" Matt asks me.

Matt is my friend from home. I didn't see him in years until a year and a half ago. I went home to visit my family and ended up running into Matt and Brian (another of my childhood friends) whilst on a jog. We stopped to talk for so long, my mum rang me because she was worried. I gave the guys my new number and we agreed to meet up more often because, truth be told, we missed one another. I didn't even realise how much I missed them until I saw them again. They admitted they saw my name a few times online and were unsure of whether to reach out or not due to my absence from their lives and a completely unexpected career path in mine. I felt bad when they told me that. I always want to seem approachable.

So now here we are, chilling on the huge couch of my condo, drinking beer. I'm back in Toronto for a few days before the launch in NYC on the 3rd. Jade informed me over the phone last night that she can't come to New York. She sounded awfully disappointed, but she forgot that she made family commitments that day. She's visiting her family back in Edmonton, where she grew up. I'm disappointed too, but I'm not going to complain about the fact that she's seeing her family.

"We're good," I nod, "She can't come to the magazine launch, though. She's headed to Edmonton for a week."

Brian hums, "Maybe it's a good thing she won't be meeting the girl you fucked over, you know."

Leave it to Brian to be brutally honest.

"Maybe," I shrug, "I'd like to avoid Trinity most of the night, other than when I need to be civil. Is it weird to feel... guilty? I don't want to be treading on her toes. That's her territory, it's her life. And all of sudden, there I am at her workplace. God, I can't imagine how much she must hate me."

Brian and Matt know all about my ex girlfriend and how it all went down. I told them everything in precise detail from start to finish. They comfortingly patted my back when I teared up that night. This was a year ago. Matt made it known that I was the biggest dickhead alive and that I shouldn't have let somebody like Trinity Hayson slip through my fingers. I knew that though, but I let him scold me.

I want people to understand that I regret what I've done. The only people that seem to fully get that is Mum and Dad. Even my brothers don't one hundred percent understand that, but I don't blame them. Scott's the one I can confide in most. I often did when I had too much to drink. I haven't called him up late at night and cried about Trinity in months though.

"To be honest man, that alone makes it clear that you've changed," Matt replies. "On the other hand, is that because you're trying to convince her you did? I mean, we know you did. We've seen it firsthand. You know you changed, and you're proud. Rightfully so. But maybe you just want her to see it as much as the people closest to you do."

I settle further into the couch as I ponder his wise words. I couldn't decide if he was right or wrong in what he said. I really think he could be spot on. Maybe he isn't, but my heart sort of told me he is. I would like it if she realised that I've matured. I am no longer a womaniser, I no longer cheat on women and I have my own girlfriend who thinks I'm pretty great.

That's what stops me from overthinking. Jade is far too kind for me to be constantly reminiscing my time with Trinity. She doesn't deserve it. Whether I like to admit it or not, Trinity is often on my mind. More than I would like, actually. I find her personality in the smallest of things, and Jade doesn't know that.

I told Jade about the interview with Trinity, and I told her that Trinity photographed me on Monday. She was fine with it because she trusts me. I have no intention to break that trust. Sometimes I think Jade's too good for me. She put up with me when I talked about Trinity excessively for the first month of our relationship. I made a mental note ages ago to dial it down or I'd lose yet another great woman that I like.