𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

nine [s]

wednesday,
april 10th, 2020

SHAWN MENDES

I tweet a concise few words about my single dropping at midnight as it replays through the speakers in the studio. I'm in LA with my team, preparing to release a new song.

It's soon to be releasing a single only a few months after my first album dropped, but I'm already writing my second album and I need to get some newness out there. This single would be on the deluxe version of my first album, which we hope to drop around June before I travel to London to attend the Summertime Ball. The deluxe version will hold this brand new single and live or acoustic versions of two other songs. It'll only be a couple dollars more to purchase as there's nothing very 'deluxe' about it, but my label and manager insist it's good promotion for my future music.

I'm nervous. Very nervous, actually. I don't know if Trinity has listened to any of my songs, but if she hears this, she'll know straight away that's it about her. It's called 'Roses' and there's multiple underlying messages hidden away. I'm not certain my fans would understand the double entendre, but Trinity definitely would.

"This is fantastic," Andrew enthusiastically says, typing away at his phone. I assume he's promoting the upcoming single on his social media.

"Thank you man," I say softly, forcing a smile.

I'm happy with the song, I am. It's just a painful reminder that I've lost my girlfriend and she doesn't want me anymore. No way is this one song going to change anything between us, it's not like she's going to suddenly want me back, but I'm hoping to simply portray a message that she'll understand and think about. That is, if she even listens to it. I couldn't blame her if she didn't. I'd prefer to elicit the importance of my love for her and my regret for my actions through this song rather than chasing her down and spilling my feelings. Now's not the time for that.

"Your voice is so powerful in this one, dude. Reminds me of Why. Or Ruin," my drummer slash friend, Mike, comments.

Those two songs in particular are Trinity's tracks. One hundred fucking percent hers. There wasn't an ounce of anything else in my inspiration to write those song. I wrote 'Ruin' in one night, by myself. I cried when I finished it and just wished I could've said all those words to her face instead. I knew I couldn't though, so on the EP it went. 'Why' took me little longer, simply because to me, it's so complex. Yet again, it broke my heart to write it but I felt lighter afterwards.

My EP is a sappy composition of love songs and songs along the lines of 'I want you back right this fucking second'. I wrote the first two songs when I was in a happy relationship with T. The other four were written in Jamaica, after she dumped me. There's one called 'Miss You', and it's literally different forms of repetition of my longing feeling to have her with me again. Of course 'Fallin' All in You' is the first track, like I promised her. The other lovestruck one is called 'In Your Arms', where I ramble on about how surreal it feels to be, as titled, in her arms. The more emotional ones are entitled 'Fixing Us', 'Destiny', and of course 'Ruin'. They tell the tale of how determined I was to get the woman I love back in my life. I guess I still am determined to do so. I just don't know how to.

I grin, "Yeah. I'm working more on my vocals lately."

It's true, I am. I've been doing my vocal exercises more often. I repeat them in the shower or when I'm cooking dinner alone. I'm proud of how my voice has developed lately. I'm still trying to smash that falsetto, though. It's ridiculously difficult. But I'll get it, I'm committed to doing so.

"Are you looking forward to the festival run?" Eddy, my friend slash keyboard player, asks.

"Oh yeah," I nod with scrunched brows, "Can't wait to perform again. These little now-and-again gigs are not enough. What I'm really excited for is August."

My first world tour starts in August. The thought makes my palms sweat and my heart race, but I'm insanely ecstatic. Nerves mean you care, and I most definitely care about this. This is my life, and I couldn't be happier with the career side of things.

The relationship side is different, clearly.

Two hours later, the song is out there for the world to hear. I can't take my eyes off my phone. I'm scrolling through IG and Twitter, an overwhelming sense of pride and euphoria rushing through my veins at the wonderful reactions. Everybody loves it. I've seen videos of fans crying as they listen to it.

As I'm refreshing my Twitter timeline, I pause before deciding to search up Trinity's name.

I clear my throat as her profile pops up. I glance around the room, everybody laughing and cheering jovially whilst drinking beer and rummaging through social media.

I press on her account, relieved to see her tweets are public. There isn't many, mainly retweets of artistic photos, her favourite artists or puppy videos. Her most recent tweet catches my eye though.

It's a simple rose emoji, and my heart falls to my stomach.

***

The next day, I'm at The Ellen Show, waiting backstage to be called on. I'm performing my new song and another of my choice. I chose Nervous, as it's a lead single and very successful. The song itself tells the story of how, although I always tried to keep my composure around her, Trinity always made my knees weak and my palms sweaty. I don't even know if she ever knew that, but if she's heard the song, she knows now.

It's not long before I'm waved on and I jog onstage with my guitar. The crowd cheers and I wave at them with a grin. My band starts to play and as soon as Zubin hits a certain note on the guitar, I start to sing, letting the lyrics flow smoothly.

By the time that I finish both tunes, the crowd is going wild and I feel such a warm sensation flood my heart and soul. I profusely thank them through the mic before handing my guitar to a stage manager and strolling over to the cream armchair beside Ellen. She stands up and I hug her, kissing her cheek.

"Shawn Mendes!" she cheerfully states, "It's so good to finally have you on the show, I love your music and wow, you are just incredible!"

I chuckle, "Thank you."

The blonde goes on to ask me multiple questions in her characteristically sarcastic and humorous way. We laugh a lot with the audience until she brings up a question that truly sparks my interest.

"So, let's talk about your EP first. Those songs are... intense, huh?" she says, glancing at her cards before resting her elbow on the arm of the chair, looking over at me.

I clear my throat as I rub my clammy hands on my thighs, "Uh, yeah. You could say that."

"So, what was the inspiration behind those? If you don't mind me asking."

The last part was kind of stupid. It's her job to get information out of me.

"I had a girlfriend..." I begin and a few people in the audience erupt in cheers. I chuckle, swallowing the lump in my throat, "almost two years ago. The happier songs were written when we were together and the others were after we broke up."

"Ah yes, I'm sure everyone here has read your People Magazine interview," she says, looking at the seated crowd. I hear them mutter amongst themselves. "You went on to say something along the lines of 'a heartbreaker deserves heartbreak', right?"

"Yes," I cough, "I hurt her because I was too immature to know how to treat her."

I could see my publicist shoot me a stern look from the side of the stage, but I don't care.

"Is that so?" Ellen gently hums, "And what about those rumours about yourself and Jade Harlock? You've been spotted out together a handful of times."

I internally wince, "That was a very... unsure thing. We're just friends, she was never my girlfriend."

I mentally curse myself out. If Jade's watching, she's probably doing the same. Truth is though, I never formally asked her to be my girlfriend. We never talked about that side of things, but I guess we referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

"I see. And, tell me Shawn, if you could go back in time and treat this girlfriend of yours differently and prove to her that you're the only one for her — no pun intended —" she pauses, the audience laughs and I sheepishly smile, "would you?"

I gulp, my heart rate speeding up and my eyes stinging. I shake my head before I say, "In a heartbeat."