𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

seven [s]

friday,
april 5th, 2020

SHAWN MENDES

I pace the floor of my condo, anxiety flooding my body like a tsunami. Jade's coming over and I'm about to tell her the truth about everything. I need to tell her how I feel because I can't keep going down the route I'm headed.

"Fuck," I curse to myself as I hear a knock on the door.

I take three deep breaths and brush my hair from my face before strolling open. I pause with a hovering hand before making the snap decision to just whip the door open. I do so and Jade stands there, a smile on her lips.

"Come in," I nervously smile with a heavy exhale.

Jade wordlessly enters my home and follows me to the couch. We both take a seat beside each other and she sets a hand on my thigh.

"Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," Jade lightheartedly tries to joke but I don't find it funny.

"We need to talk."

"Yeah. You told me that over text." Jade furrows her eyebrows, "You're scaring me."

My mind tries to piece the puzzle together. It feels like my head is going into overdrive. My heart races as I shuffle in my seat slightly to face the attractive blonde beside me.

"I'm still in love with Trinity," I blurt.

Jade face loses the light flush and her lips part. She breaks eye contact, heaving out a surprised chuckle as her gaze suddenly fixates on the coffee table. I chew on my lip worriedly. Everything Jade and I have ever done together pulses in my mind and my hands start to get clammy.

I stutter, "I'm so sorry," I breathe, "Jade, I can't be with you and lead you on when I'm certain I'm in love with somebody else."

"I— I don't know what to say," Jade frowns.

My lips form a sorrowful pout. I never intended to hurt this girl. She's so kind and lovely and I genuinely think whoever ends up with her is truly lucky. They should be grateful. If I wasn't completely head over heels for the same girl as two years ago, I'd be thanking my lucky stars.

I grab her hands, "I hope you can understand. I'm so fucking sorry, Jade. I just... I can't break anymore hearts. I've done it too many times and I refuse to do it to you."

Jade shakes her head, "I think I knew deep down that I could never compare to Trinity," she says defeatedly, "the way you talk about her... Shawn, I don't think you even realise just how deep you're in for her."

I clear my throat, suddenly feeling emotional, "I really love her. I'm sorry if that's difficult to hear, but I can't deny my feelings any longer."

"You belong with her."

"You think?" I ask hopefully, a single tear spilling from my waterline. I wipe it away and Jade shoots me a sympathetic smile.

"Have you not thought about the possibility that this could've all been fate?" she scrunches her brows, "Why was she the one to interview you? It could've been anybody else in that building."

"She has a boyfriend," I recall, pursing my lips and frowning.

"You're crazy if you're not willing to fight for the woman you're in love with. Boyfriend or not. What if she realises you're the one for her?"

I gulp, my overwhelming emotions filling me to the brim. Is what Jade is saying possible? Could she realise that she's still in love with me too? I have no clue.

But God know's I am most definitely willing to fight for her.

***

Jade and I didn't spend much longer talking after that. She left and I apologised once more, assuring her that there's somebody out there who will love her endlessly. Someone she deserves.

It's later now — much later, actually — and I'm strumming away at my guitar. I have been hit with a spontaneous surge of inspiration, and I'm putting it to good use. I've had a song in my drafts for months now, something about being unable to shift your love from that one person. Like when you're stuck on someone, and you can't think of anybody else. Another song outlines how much I need that person to keep my happiness levels high. Lyrics about how if I don't have that girl, everything is almost meaningless. Isn't it though? Shouldn't you spend your life loving, not regretting?

When the time is right, I plan to let Trinity know that that's how I want to spend my lifetime. Loving her, gaining her trust and forgiveness, making her happy. Because somewhere deep down, I sort of know that nobody — not even that Asher guy — can make her feel the way I did. Forget the heartbreak and the stupid fucked up mistakes on my part. Before that, I made her pretty damn happy. And I'd be fucked if I didn't at least try to do so again.

After jotting down a few more lyrics to these unreleased songs, I lay back on the couch and stare at the bland ceiling. My mind is swimming in thoughts of Trinity. Does she know how much I care for her still? When we broke up, she said that she thought I didn't love her as much as I said. She was so, so wrong. I get why she must've thought that, but fuck me, it was nowhere near true. It still is nowhere near true. My heart pounds with the amount of love I hold for that girl. And she doesn't know it.

I sit up and grab my phone from the coffee table. I open it up and find Trinity's contact, my thumb hovering dangerously close to the call button.

Yes, I still have her number. The first few weeks after our breakup, I relentlessly texted her, begging for some sort of give. She threatened to block me if I continued, which caused me to stop. I wanted to know that if I ever wanted— no, needed to speak with her again, I had the option. And I do.

But I don't call her. And I don't text her.

Instead, I exit the phone app and head straight to my camera roll. I scroll back to two years ago, my eyes tearing up as I flick through some pictures of us.

There's one in particular that makes my heart skip a beat. We're laying in her bed back in LA. I can't remember if we just woke up or just had sex. Either way, we are both topless in the pic, but nothing inappropriate is on show. Trinity holds my phone, a silly grin on her ever-soft lips and her eyes almost closed as her cheeks are scrunched up. Her head is tucked under my arm and I'm rubbing my left eye with my hand. I look exhausted, but happy. I look happy. There's unshaven scruff on my chin and jaw and a hickey lies on my collarbone.

My heart swells.

I miss her.