𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

twelve [t]

sunday,
april 21st, 2020

TRINITY HAYSON

As I sit on the couch of my cramped apartment, furiously typing away at the keyboard of my laptop, there's a knock on the door. I sigh, looking between the wooden door and my laptop before quickly finishing up the sentence I'm on. I set the laptop on the coffee table where my feet were resting.

I jump up, making my way to the door and unlocking it. There stands Asher, a bouquet of yellow tulips in his hands. I raise my eyebrows, I wasn't expecting him.

"Hey," he greets with a small grin, leaning in to peck my lips.

"Uh— hi! Those are beautiful," I say, carefully taking them from his large hands and stepping aside so he can enter, "What're you doing here?"

Asher shuts the door, "Thought we could have a little movie night or something. Maybe order some takeout?"

I hesitate, scrunching my eyebrows as I glance at my laptop that sits on the coffee table, "Ash, I'm kind of busy right now. I'm after being hit with a wave of inspiration and I kinda want to get my words down before the escape," I chuckle awkwardly.

"Oh," he frowns disappointedly, "I'm sorry. Just haven't seen you in, like, two weeks."

Asher has been quite busy too. He's an architect, and is currently designing a house for a newlywed couple.

I sigh, feeling guilty, "I know. I'm sorry, I've been so busy. Between the book and editing pieces at work... I haven't got any time to myself, let alone for us."

Asher sighs, unimpressed. He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his blue denim skinnies and looks down at me. I set the bouquet of pretty flowers down on my tiny dining table for two. I turn to face him again, lifting my hands to rest on his shoulders. He mindlessly finds my hips, pulling me closer.

"M'sorry," I breathe, "I just made you sound unimportant. You are important, Ash, I've just been so determined to make progress on the book lately."

My book is about halfway complete. I've met with a private publicist, who I email all of my rough drafts to. She examines every chapter and sends them to an editor, who tidies them up slightly before emailing them back to me. My publisher company is my safety net, at least I know I'm getting this novel published once it's finished and edited. It's nerve wracking, but fuck, I'm constantly pumped on adrenaline and excitement. I cannot wait to get my work out there in novel form, rather than magazine article form. Even though I love what I do, this is a huge step forward in the right direction.

Asher shakes his head, licking his chapped lips, "Nah, it's okay. I understand. I've just missed spending time with you."

"Me too," I reply, "How about you stay and I'll finish up this chapter. Then we can watch a few films and order some food."

Asher's attractive face lights up and he beams down at me, pressing a kiss to my forehead, "Sounds good. I'll be quiet for you."

I nod and grin, cupping his stubbly jaw and reaching to envelope his lips in a sweet kiss. He hums, sliding a hand further down to cup the swell of my butt cheek. I pull away, kissing his cheek once and guiding him to my small couch. We sit side by side and I bring my laptop back to my thighs, racing to jot down my words that inspiration has struck me with today.

Asher sticks to his word and remains silent as I finish up this chapter.

When I'm done, I shut down my laptop and reach behind me to rest it on the kitchen table. I look at Asher, who's sitting there with a hopeful smile. I chuckle, leaning over and working myself between his arms. He hums, pressing a kiss to the crown of my head.

Asher and I have been seeing each other for about five weeks now. He's great, really great. I like him, but my concern is that I don't know if I'll ever love him. I'm finding it difficult to convince myself that we'll fall in love and live happily ever after. He's a sweetheart, and really caring, but my mind just fails to picture us together in the future. On our wedding day, living together, owning a dog, having kids. I can't fucking imagine that happening, and it's scary. I mean, I'm not looking to settle down just yet. I'm only twenty. But at this stage, if I am in a relationship, I'd like to think that we have some sort of future. I can't see us ending up together. It's almost as if there's a gravitational pull that doesn't want me with him.

Things aren't very serious, which could be the root problem. Not that I'm yearning for our relationship to move quickly or anything, but that could be the reason I can't see us together long-term. I haven't met his family as they live in Ottawa, and he hasn't met mine because they live in Ireland. We've been on four dates, and he never asked me to be his girlfriend, he just started calling me that. He introduces me as his girlfriend and I introduce him as my boyfriend, even though we've never talked about it.

"Suits?" Ash asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, sure," I respond quietly, finding comfort on his shoulder.

And even though Asher is attractive and he treats me well and with respect, there's constantly a part of my brain that is screaming at me, continuously reminding me of one red flag.

He's not Shawn.