english - c.hood 01 | au

eleven

n o e l l e

i felt empty. i haven't felt this empty in a long time. yes i felt pain, yes i broke down time and time again. but i haven't felt like this since i was fifteen years old. i shouldn't have to feel like this twice, because he shouldn't have been taken away from me. he shouldn't have been taken from any of us. he shouldn't be gone. he should be here, smiling and laughing and being a kid. i hated seeing him in pain while he was here, but at least he was still here.

i knew that at the end of the day he would be here. no one said anything about heart complications. why weren't they monitoring that in the first place. they should've been able to help him, to save him, to make sure he was still living and breathing. but now he's not doing any of those things, and all i'm doing is sobbing in the arms of my best friend. at some point the tears just stopped flowing, and the sobs grew mute, because i had felt so empty that no emotion would show anymore.

i laid there cold, empty with no emotion. i got up, i went to the washroom, and i rinsed my face. the funeral arrangements were set for tomorrow. i wasn't ready to say goodbye, i shouldn't have to say goodbye. yet i couldn't even say goodbye when the time had come. i slipped on my shoes and i left the house. i walked up and down the streets of my little hometown. they were quiet, no sound except for the odd car rolling by. the sky was grey, and it lightly drizzled. i walked through the damp weather anyway, because the universe had a right to feel shitty. it lost what was one of the best things about it. the happiest little soul that ever lived. lived. the laughter, the smiles, the colour in the world, it was all gone, as he was gone along with it.

you're going to have losses in life, it's something that you'll have to face head on and just accept it. that's what some people told me, to get used to it. i get what they mean, but were your losses as bad as the ones i faced? did you lose everyone you love before you even turned twenty, to lose a parent and a sibling, all in the span of three years? it's a lot for a girl to take in.

my own mother, having lost the man she vowed to love forever and the little boy she had last brought into the world. she was holding it together better than i was, because she always felt the need to be strong, because she knew i wouldn't be. and yes, i've seen her mourn and cry, but she moves in with a smile and remembers the good. for me, the good only makes me even more sad. so as the rain poured harder and i walked however far i walked, i sat in a bench with my knees huddled into my chest as the rain covered my tears.

is it my tears or just the fucking rain?

i honestly didn't know at this point, but what i did know was the my frame of mind was simply not stable. that i needed someone more than anything right now.

"noelle?"

i needed the love and support, whether i chose to admit it or not, it was true.

"fuck, noelle, why are you sitting in the fucking rain? have you been crying? get in the car, now."

i just did what he said. i didn't know what else to do.

"what happened, noelle?"

"he's gone." i whispered. "and i never got to say goodbye."

"who, noelle? you have to explain it to me. i told you to come to me as soon as you got back, but sooner rather than later is fine by me."

"in the span of three years i lost my father and my little brother." i said. "i don't know about you calum, but i don't think you can help someone as broken as me."