HER

CHAPTER 5 Turn over a new leaf (MARINA)

I shot him.

Kneeling beside him I listened to his vile comments. His truths hitting every insecurity. Shaking my head I whispered.

"I'm no better than you? That's rich, laughable even. But at least I'm not you. And right now, that's worth a lot."

Finally he spoke in a smoother tone, like he did when I first met him.

"Do you remember when I loved you?" He moaned.

"...no" I replied exhausted.

"Good" he smiled wryly "caus I never did".

I stuck my fingers into his wound, digging my nails in as his blood squelched out over the sides. He gasped, struggling for his final breath.

I smiled sweetly at him as I walked away.

I had finally walked away.

Turning, I found Lana still facing the wall, shaking viciously. My hand reached out to touch her, she flinched away from me, clearly upset and disgusted.

My heart started to quicken and beat so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think. What next? I had no idea what to do. I'd killed him. A murderer. I should call the police. Would anyone believe the abuse? Probably not. No one ever did.

Blushing, I realised I was completely naked I washed my hands in the sink, scrubbing harshly. Running to the bathroom I slipped my robe on. I pulled my fingers through my hair, which was still soaked from the shower.

Lighting a cigarette I walked outside. The night air was glorious. Cold and delicious.

Lana was still inside. When I walked in she was having a sort of panic attack. Something I had only read about in books. They never described it like this. This was ...severe. I tried to calm her the best I could, leading her slowly outside for fresh air.

She sat cuddled beside me, her makeup smudged from crying. Mascara ran down her Bambi eyes as she tapped my shoulder for a cigarette. I lit it with my own and watched her stressfully inhale.

Freedom I uttered, how precious. I dragged on my cigarette. My world seemed like the dark hole of the prison that held me.

Lana asked if it hurt, looking at the cuts and bruises on my legs and back. I pulled at the robe to get a better look. Shit. My legs were a mess, full of scrapes and angry cuts. We went inside to stop the bleeding. I poured alcohol on them, hissing at the burning sensation. She wrapped my legs up in bandages, stroking my ribs gently.

Sure it hurt, it always did. But the louder I screamed the more he would beat me.

And just like that the creature inside of me rose from the gruesome chaos it had wrought.

Biting my lip I motioned towards the moon "I tell her my secrets, and sometimes if you're real quiet she'll tell you hers too" I joked. I heard Lana giggle.

Her laughter warmed me in a way he couldn't.

My face was damp with sweat and anxiety. I leaned my head against the car window as my thoughts began to unravel.

Seven years I wasted.

He stripped away my dignity, layer by layer. Until even my bones held no trace of my personality. The old me was a stranger, a mere girl. The problem was I wanted to be loved so badly I couldn't tell it wasn't love. He taught me that love was taking my identity. Of cursing me with self doubt. He let me believe that love was questioning my own sanity. Love had become the scars and bruises that marked my skin. I thought maybe he would change. How stupid. I should never had become the lamb to his slaughter, the martyr to his manipulation. But he was gone. I was ...free?

The worst thing about all of this was that I had involved Lana. She refused to leave me and had helped me pack my things. I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. After what felt like hours of driving we came across a cosy motel. As Lana checked us in I bought some items from a nearby grocery store. She said that she needed some space to think.

Once I returned I stormed into the room slamming the door shut. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to be Marina anymore. Cradling the peroxide and scissors in my hands I trembled with excitement and fear.

I screamed into the rough pillows until my voice was hoarse. I studied myself in the bathroom mirror, God I was a mess. I looked pale and sickly, my hair lay flat and stuck to my head.

Picking up the scissors I started to cut jaggedly at my hair. Black locks tumbled to the ground as I formed a short bob.

After removing the towel my hair was platinum blonde with dark roots. Perfect. I grinned at myself, I looked totally unrecognisable. so different from what I was before. I was someone strong. I laughed. Wait until Lana see's.

As I waited for Lana to return I put on my usual makeup, opting for a lighter lipstick and false eyelashes.

But something was missing. I couldn't quite grasp what, but after a minute or so deliberating I finally settled on a small heart on my cheek.

I stood back and allowed myself to feel, well, beautiful. This was something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Suddenly I felt foolish, waiting for Lana. Like a little girl who had tried to cut her own hair and awaited the reaction of her mother. I locked myself in the bathroom. What if she hated it?

I banged my hands against the sink, my knuckles swelled. Every time I shut my eyes I saw his face. And the blood. All that blood. I screamed in frustration as I sat fully clothed in the shower. The cold water rolled down my back making me shiver.

The room door clicked open and banged shut. She was back. I stayed silent. Lana knocked on the door. I didn't say anything, she knocked louder. Burying my face into my hands she kicked at the door until it swung open. The panic mixed with surprise on her face made my bones ache.

"Marina, please let me help you...?"

"Its not Marina anymore..."

"Wha-".

"It's Electra Heart".

And I'm after a brand new start...