HER

CHAPTER 7 Wedding bells (MARINA)

For the first time in years... I dreamed. Instead of nightmarish blank nothings my mind blossomed with colours.

It terrified me.

Through rose tinted memories I saw my life unfold before me. I saw myself, twisting my curls round my finger as if putting him under my spell. Instead it was me who idiotically fell for him. Flying all the way to America to meet his family. Completely abandoning mine. I had no one. That's when it really started. It wasn't so much violence, it was the feeling. That I wasn't my own person. That I was his.

I can still taste our wedding night.

My dress was a pale cream, the neck low, waist tight and skirts voluptuous. The corset was patterned with lace, looping into small flowers. My figure was better back then, healthier. Not skinny like it is now.

"You're mine" he whispered in my ear before gathering my white petticoats. He was never the one to remove all my garments, at least not in the beginning. Some things are best left to the imagination he would say. Until he saw all of me. I think that's what might have made him snap. Seeing me. Seeing all of me. All that flesh. There was nothing left to imagine. In the morning I found myself sprawled on the floor, dried blood speckled my torn dress.

So this was marriage?

After, I would shudder as his hand would snake round my waist and touch the small of my back. In fact, I could feel it now, but it felt strange. Softer. Not the usual hard fingers that would leave bruises. It wasn't his. I couldn't awake from this dream. I lay there, completely paralysed. Aware, but not able to move. Or even open my eyes.

Moonlight bathed my eyelids. The faint red vision panicked me. I needed to wake up. All I saw was blood. His blood, my blood. Same difference in the end. I always thought that he would beat me to death. That I would lie, hooked up to a monitor gasping for air. Longing for my last breath. Yet here I was. Heart still beating while his had long since stopped. Only now there was a different type of longing building up inside.

Shaking, I realise I'm crying. Loudly. I feel Lana's reassuring hand on my back. My dreams mixed with reality. I stop. I felt safe. As soon as I ceased my tears she whipped her hand away. Embarrassed? I didn't know. This small meaningless act of kindness made me want her more. There was no denying it. no pushing these feelings down. Maybe I fell to easily. Maybe this person was finally right for me. Whatever this was, we were in it together. Turning I burrowed my head hard into her neck. Trying to block out the memories. I heard her breath hitch as my lips brushed the hollow of her throat. With that final heated action, I fell back into the blank nothingness that I was accustomed to.

When we woke it was the late afternoon, I blushed furiously as I realised how intimate we were. When I felt where my thigh was I couldn't help but giggle. Lana was still asleep. But I couldn't bring myself to wake her. I watched her, listening closely to her soft snores. Her lips were slightly parted, wet and dark. Like two petals. Before she started to flutter her eyes open, I tried hard to remember every detail of her. Her smell, the shape and curve of her nose, the warmth of her body, the shade of her auburn hair shining red in the sun.

"Good morning" She muttered through long yawns.

I stretched, smiling back at her. I couldn't help myself. My hand travelled up from her pale shoulder, brushing past her neck to finally rest on her cheek. I saw the way she looked at me. Like she really wanted me. Not just for my body, but really wanted everything.

After showering and getting changed, I tried to convince Lana to go out for dinner.

"Are you hungry?"

"Why"

"I saw this diner as we were pulling in, it's only a couple of streets away?" I started to prepare myself for the worse. I expected her to tear apart my suggestion. To yell at me for not knowing anything about etiquette dining. It was something I was so used to that when she grinned I felt my knees buckle beneath me.

"Yes that sounds like a wonderful idea!"

The diner was small and busy. Which of course did wonders for my anxiety. Couples were dancing by the jukebox. Totally enthralled with one another. How I envied them. Our meals were nothing to write home about, but they did fill our gurgling stomachs. Biting my inner cheek I pulled Lana close and asked in a hushed tone to come dancing with me. Her eyes flicked to my mouth as she nodded.

As we walked nearer the other couples, trying hard to blend in I grabbed her hand to steady myself. Locking our fingers together.

"Dance with me and pretend the world doesn't exist" she moaned. And after that one dance, I knew there was no going back.

We danced until I could feel my heels pulsing. Until there was nothing left to give. I had never felt so happy. When we arrived back at the motel I went straight to the bathroom. I was overwhelmed. She was being nice. Too nice. And I couldn't handle it. She left me for a while but of course her worries got the better of her. Lana asked repeatedly what was wrong and I just couldn't tell her. She wouldn't understand even if I tried. She definitely didn't feel anything for me. Not in the way that I felt for her.

"Why do you always shut me out?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop apologising"

"I'm so..."

"I just feel like I didn't do enough for you. Because you deserve so much more" Lana blurted our tearfully.

"I don't care if I deserve more. I don't need anything and I don't need you to do things for me" I replied haughtily.

"Then what do you need?"

"Honestly? A hug would be very appreciated" I joked. She stepped closer to me, arms wide open. I leaned in close looking at her expressive lips, dark and inviting.

She pulled away from our tight embrace, her eyes soft and wet, like freshly peeled fruit.

"The problem is" she whispered, her face touching mine.

"If I kissed you... I don't think I'll be able to stop"