HER

CHAPTER 19 Time to grow up Peter (MARINA)

I dozed, curled up in my seat. Head pressed against the window. The coolness of the glass felt pleasant against my hot skin. My eyes felt dry and heavy, struggling to focus on anything except the rain that trailed down the window. Dainty rivers split and streaked across the glass. My hands had finally stopped shaking, now they felt cold and dead. A strange weight in my lap. Everything felt surreal, like a sort of déjà vu. At least this time he was really dead, the black body bag the police had provided was a clear indication of that. 

I was so caught up in my own selfish thoughts that I had almost forgotten about the person driving. Her awkward cough had snapped me out of my daze and thrown me hurtling back into reality. Her pale hands were white around the knuckles from the force in which she gripped the steering wheel. Her mouth shut tight in frustration with glassy far away eyes.

  How could I forget. 

Lana... 

She had lied. About everything, but I cared so deeply. Her head turned, eyes quickly meeting mine before flashing away. Her eyes reminded me of the blue-green sea, whenever I looked into them I felt this relaxation wash over me, like a cool pool of water. I so desperately wanted to drown in them. I looked at her for the first time in hours, there was something missing from them. They were misted over. Hidden. Those eyes I had once loved were now distorted by salty tears akin to sea foam. 

I felt a bitter taste seep into my mouth and crawl down my throat, settling to a violent churning in my belly. My stomach lurched and I motioned for Lana to pull over. 

The car sputtered to a stop. Yanking the door open I vomited onto dark grass. Lana's hand stroked my back gently as my chest heaved. Tears marked my face as I struggled to breathe, letting myself lean into her touch. After a while my breath returned, my hair and clothes were damp with rain and sweat. Shivering I slammed the car door shut and turned to face her. 

Lana undid her seatbelt, shifting slightly as she raised her legs up, until her head rested on her knees. She looked out at the beach. My mind swam, I didn't remember being anywhere near a beach. I realised she had driven us to a cliff. The sky, although dark and stormy, was still beautiful. My fingers laced themselves with hers, stroking her thumb softly. 

"What now?" 

Her voice was barely a whisper. 

"I don't want to live without you." 

She snapped, her teeth showed as she snarled. 

"STOP IT." 

I muttered uselessly. 

"It's the truth."

She pinched the bridge of her nose sighing as her eyes shut tightly. Suddenly she cupped my face and pulled me in for a sweet kiss. Our foreheads touched and lingered, my breath hitched. She smiled weakly. 

"Marina, I think it's best if you go home."

My head shook vigourously. 

"No, I want to be with you."

"Please ... don't make this any harder than it needs to be. We can't be together. Not like how we really want to be. Maybe someday our paths will cross. But it's the right thing to do." 

I wanted to fling myself off the cliff. My head pounded. What was the point? My husband was dead, Lana didn't want me. There was nothing left for me anymore. Her gaze sharpened as if she had read my thoughts. 

"Sweetheart, please. I want this, more than you can ever possibly know. But you need time. To become your own person again. To be independent. To heal and grow. I know this is difficult. God knows it is. But trust me you'll feel better for it."

My voice sounded small and pathetic.

"I know who I am with you."

Tears rolled down Lana's cheeks. She scrubbed at her eyes smudging her makeup in the process. My hand rested on her forearm, stroking her warm skin. Lana dug through the car compartment and offered me a large wad of cash. My mouth hung open in shock. 

"Take this. Go home and tell your family that your husband is dead." 

I wanted to scream. 

My hands tugged at my hair, pulling hard in frustration. She hugged me, holding me close. My arms shyly slid around her neck, locking her in place. 

However long we stayed like that wasn't enough. It seemed we never had enough time together. Always on the run, constantly moving, for once I wish we could stay still. Idle. Frozen in time. I suppose that's how you know you're having one of those special moments you see in movies. You feel it deep in your gut. You never want it to end. But of course, it always does. 

The engine started again. We sat in silence as she drove me to the nearest train station. 

A flicker of hatred seared through my body, because she was right. 

We could never stay together. We could never really belong to one another. There was too much history. We were so alike yet not. Whenever I was with her it reminded me of everything. There was so much bad that it started to eat up all the good. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anybodies. It just wasn't meant to be. I knew I would regret the decision for the rest of my life. But it was what was right for us.

To move on from this. To get past all the shit that tore us apart inside. We healed and helped each other to grow and because of that I am forever in her debt. 

My back straightened against the scratchy train seats as my mind replayed our final conversation. 

"I'm scared."

"So am I."

"Is this what growing up feels like."

"I hate it." 

She laughed, it was almost musical. Her lips brushed my knuckles, one final time. I gulped, heat rushing to my cheeks. 

"I don't want to grow up. To move on."

She sighed, tracing the veins in my wrist. 

"I think I know why Peter Pan never wanted to grow up." 

Her lips tugged into a smile. 

"Promise me you'll not say goodbye." 

"Why?" 

"Because goodbye is too final. It means we're moving on. Growing up. And that means forgetting. I never want to forget you."

"But we must." 

"... I know." 

Tears welled and pooled in my eyes, I blinked them back. Determined I would leave with my head held high and proud. 

"I don't want to grow up." 

Her hair glinted in the light, a wicked look settling on her face. 

"Well Wendy."

"... Well Peter."

She stepped closer, hot breath tickling my ear and neck. 

"Time to grow up."