HER

CHAPTER 13 If not now, when? (MARINA)

My feet slapped against hard earth. Mud covered my body, each step splattering the dark liquid on to my skin. It burned, I could smell my flesh sizzling as it sunk deep into my bones. Branches and twigs whipped against my face and arms. I was running. I didn't know where but I was going as fast as my legs would carry me. Screams raped my ears making me stumble and trip. That's when I fell.

Down into a dark hole. Alice and wonderland style. Spiralling down into the dark abyss. But I wasn't scared. I was accepting. Just as I was about to reach the bottom I heard a voice. This in particular voice scared me, made me want to escape, to kick and yell. But every time I tried mud and dirt would fill my mouth, spilling out from my lips onto my chest. It settled in my heart.

A hand reached out and grabbed me, pulling me back to reality.

"Marina..."

Struggling I finally lay still as I realised where I was. I rubbed my eyes until they felt raw, tears stinging my cheeks. They were still sticky with sleep. Finally, I cleared my throat and mumbled.

"What if the police find us?"

Silence.

"Lana, I shouldn't have stabbed him."

"Yes. I agree but there's no point dwelling on it. You can't change the past. The damage has already been done."

"What if they find us?"

Lana stretched, her back cracking with the sudden disruption.

"Who?" She yawned, her hair falling onto her face, covering her eyes.

"The police?"

She looked at me, swiping her hair of her hidden eyes. Glancing down she pursed her lips, pensive.

"They won't ."

"How can you be sure?"

"Marina, I won't let anything happen to you, you have to believe that."

"What use is believing."

"Don't be like that."

"Im not being like anything."

The dream had unsettled me and had made me irritable. I knew it wasn't fair. But I couldn't help myself. However, I was being difficult for a reason.

She paused.

My heart hammered as I waited for that one question. It was the type of question no one wants to answer, but the type you know you should answer. At least truthfully. Even if the answer hurts you. Strips you down and cuts you open. Bare for everyone to see and judge.

She cleared her throat, sitting upright.

"Did you want the baby?"

The question echoed off the walls, bouncing back to slap me in the face. I couldn't look at her. Sliding from the bed I went into the bathroom, calmly hopping into the hard bathtub. I welcomed the cold. I heard Lana's feet as she padded through. She awkwardly clambered in with me. Warm legs against mine.

"No."

I sounded pathetic. I meant for it to come out strong and confident, but my voice was weak and cracked like a young girls. I smacked my head furiously as I waited for her to respond.

"No?"

"I thought I did, but I don't. Does that make me a horrible person?"

"Of course not."

Thats what I loved about her. She didn't press for more information, she let things be. Let them settle and ferment.

We lay together in that cold bathtub for what felt hours. Top and tail.

I played with the ends of my blonde hair, twisting the strands around my fingers only to watch them spin and spiral back into curls. I did this compulsively trying to decide what to do or say. My eyes finally betrayed me and flicked up to catch her staring at me. Watching me. Maybe it was time...

I sat up on my knees then moved forward until I was on all fours, the bathtub clanged against my elbow. Grimacing at the sudden shooting pain I huffed in frustration. She sat at the opposite end her lips flicking up into a soft smile as I crawled nearer to her.

I took Lanas face in my hands, trembling as I pulled her towards me. She really was breathtaking. She bore an uncanny resemblance to Priscilla Presley. But I would dare say she was prettier. Her eyes fluttered shut. Sweeping lashes dark in contrast to her pale skin. Her tongue darted across her glib lips. They reddened and glistened in the low light. Leaning forward I allowed myself to kiss her gently. It wasn't awkward and rushed like it was with him. It was slow and warm. Like a warm bath on a windy autumn day. Just like something out of a romantic movie. I felt her hand touch my arm. She grabbed me slightly, as it to check I was there. That this was really happening. I could hardly believe it myself.

I wanted her.

My lips moved to her neck leaving a trail of hot kisses, starting at the hallow and ending at her collar bones.

"No."

I stopped. It was barely audible, not even a whisper. She bit her lip wrapping her arms around herself. Had I misread our relationship? This whole situation? I had never felt so embarrassed. My stomach churned as I rushed to the other side of the bathtub.

"Not like this."

"What?"

"Marina we need to cool off. You've been through a lot. If we do anything together I want it to be because we're ready. Not because we want an easy release. An escape."

"Oh."

That was all I could muster. I really thought this was it. After all this time. After all the glances and touches. But as always. She was right. Who were we kidding. Why would she even want me? I was nothing. Self deprecating maybe but it was most likely true true.

"Look I really like you, God why do I sound like a teenager? But this whole situation is, well, it isn't normal is it?"

"Is it because I'm not... normal enough?"

"Normal is nothing."

"What do you mean? It's everything?"

"Never, it doesn't exist. It's just something we tell ourselves to make us feel apart of something bigger than ourselves. And you know what? It makes us isolate ourselves even more. It simply doesn't exist."

I stopped snivelling and let out a hearty laugh. A real laugh. And it felt good. Lana joined me.

"How come I'm the one who's always a mess? When do I get to hear more about your life? It must have been a grand one with so much wisdom."

Her laughing ceased.