HER

CHAPTER 14 Unhinged (LANA)

"You never talk about your husband."

"I'm a widow. There's not much to talk about."

"Well, what was he like?"

"He was-

Tears threatened to fall as I glanced down into my lap. My hands balled into fists at how frustratingly uncomfortable I was. The worst part was that I couldn't decide whether I should lie or tell the truth. I had fooled everyone else at the funeral, why not her?

But when I caught her eyes I knew I couldn't lie. Not even in the slightest. There was so much interest and innocence that even though it would hurt to reminisce and dig up these deeply buried memories it wouldn't be as painful as her reaction when she found out it was all bullshit.

I inched closer to her. Eyes wide.

"Can-can you keep a secret?"

"Lana, of course?"

"You must promise to tell no one."

"I promise?"

"He-he w-was..."

Clearing my throat I began again.

"When I first met him I was young. So very young. Maybe a little too young. With big dreams. I came from a poor family so when he scooped me up and lavished me with gifts I became a bit of a brat. I didn't realise but he was horrible to begin with. Not like yours. More psychologically. We both were. We constantly tried to punish each other. It was unsettling really. When he died I couldn't believe it. I thought that bastard leaving me here all alone after putting me through hell."

"How do you mean?"

"He would lock me in this small dark room"

She bit her lip, pensive with this information.

"You hate the dark?"

"I didn't until I met him."

"Wait but you said-

"I know."

My throat caught.

"I lied."

"I was never afraid of the dark. I didn't mind it at all. This was one of his games. It was always games with him. There could only ever be one winner. Him. But after a while I started to loathe it. Once he knew he had me he started doing it all the time. I don't know if it was because he wanted to control me or if he was scared of me."

"That's awful."

"I've never told anyone. I thought I could just hold it in. Pretend it never really happened."

I paused. Letting what I had just said sink in.

"He was so gentle with me after."

Marina nodded, I could almost see the cogs going around in her head.

"What was it like? In the room, I mean. I don't want to pry but. I just don't understand how someone could do that."

Swallowing hard I began to lie, feeling it twist and creep out of my throat. I stop myself. What was I so afraid of?

"I didn't."

Marina unblinking urged me to continue placing a hand upon mine.

"I scratched at the walls until my hands bled. The marks are still there. Etched into the walls. My turmoil forever visible. I don't want to say that he broke me. Because he didn't. He made me stronger, more durable you know. At least that's what I think, now that he's gone."

"Oh, Lana."

The way she said that one line unnerved me. I didn't even realise that I was crying until I felt the splat of a tear fall onto my thigh. I felt so silly in that moment. All of that was in the past. I hadn't planned on telling anyone, was planning on taking it to my grave. But I was glad I told her, I could feel a surge of relief wash over me.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault."

"But Lana it's-"

"I know."

"Didn't you try to leave?"

Hearing that one phrase from her of all people made me want to laugh.

"Leave?"

"Yes, you could've explained to your family what he was doing. Something. Christ, anything?!"

She was working herself up. And I knew why. She saw herself in me. She saw all the pain and misery that she hated in me. These were questions she probably asked herself every day.

"Marina... you know why."

Standing up abruptly she started to pace, running her hands up and down her arms. I went over and grabbed her wrists. She didn't struggle. Instead she looked me straight in the eye and whispered something so dreadful that I slapped her hard across the face.

"I wish I had killed myself."

Anger boiled inside of me, spilling over. This one simple, raw, truthful statement tipped me over the edge.

"DON'T EVER SAY SOMETHING SO FUCKING STUPID. Do you realise the amount of pain that would cause people? How utterly selfish."

Her chest heaved as she clutched her cheek. There was a small cut. I rushed to her disgusted with myself. She recoiled.

"You're just like him."

"Please don't say that."

She spat at me.

"I hate you."

"Please I'm sorry."

Her whole body shoot as she sunk to the floor, curling herself into a tight ball.

She was right. In a way.

"Marina?"

"Don't touch me. DONT EVEN LOOK AT ME."

I turned facing the wall.

"I take it back. But I'm not sorry. Taking your life isn't something to just-to ... just... throw around."

I felt sick. Something about the blank wall soothed me. I might as well tell her now.

"When I first married him I tried to take my own life. It was a yearly occurrence. Probably the main reason for the dark. I tried everything. Up until the day he died. That was when I started to live. As corny as it sounds."

Eyes shining she took my face in her hands and held me.

I couldn't look at her, with my eyes shut tightly I felt myself begin to open up. It felt so powerful to tell someone. To finally tell her.

"But I know what it's like to want to die. To hurt when I smile. To try and fit in and fail. Again and again. All of it felt so pointless. Up until now. Until you..."