HER

CHAPTER 3 Sticks and Stones (MARINA)

Tucked away on the windowsill, hidden behind the curtains I allow myself the pleasure of thinking about that blissful afternoon. Imagining a life that could never be. As I bite into a ripe strawberry, letting it stain my fingers, I think about Lana. She had done what I had always wanted someone to do. When I said "I'm fine" I longed for someone to look into my eyes and say "tell me the truth".

Yet I didn't.

As the sun began to set I stretch as I think back to a different time.

I first met him in High School. We were the couple everyone idolised and adored. From Prom King and Queen to Mr and Mrs. Practically perfect in every way. How naive I was. Yet sometimes the pain of being together was far better than the pain of being alone.

"You don't know me" I had mumbled.

"I think I can take a guess" He was always cocky.

"Oh really?" I giggled like a stupid little fool.

"Sweet, innocent and more importantly my type" I cringed. His type. Vulnerable, weak?

"I'm not as innocent as I seem..."

If I could go back. I would've ignored him. Kept walking. But what use are what's and if's. It's been seven years and I still haven't walked away. Back then I just wanted to mean something to someone.

Sighing I decide to wash before he comes home. He kept his work a secret. I knew he was involved with bad people I just didn't know how deep. I didn't want to know, honestly. Sometimes I would day dream that he had been killed at work. That some handsome police officer would tell me the bad news. I don't know if I would've laughed or cried. Which is better? It wouldn't have mattered. How liberating and pathetic.

As I turn on the shower and become encased by the warm cocoon of water I begin to hum. I give myself the privilege to do the one thing I know I'm good at. Singing. When I sing I feel so free, it's impossible to focus on anything else other than the sweet lyrics and melodies. Soaping my hair I feel my body become lighter and my stomach rumble with joy. The mirror steams as my muscles loosen. The bruises fading slightly as my skin grows pink. But of course all good things must end.

He caught me.

Again.

He takes away everything. Even my voice. He knows how it makes me feel and extinguishes it. Dripping with water and soap he pulls me out from the shower and throws me hard on the floor. I hear my bones crack against the tiles. He yells at me to stop crying. I can't.

He has a gun.

That's new. An upgrade from fists.

He hates me. I know that now. I couldn't give him the one thing he and his family wanted. A baby boy. My mother in law called me a witch, that I was devious. She was convinced that I was getting rid of them. My unborn children. How sad. The doctor said that it was just my luck. Barron. Empty. Alone.

I thought about this as he twisted my arm painfully behind my back and pulled my hair, tilting my head back.

I imagined Lana. I pictured crying into her arms. I snorted, imagine feeling safe enough to cry in someone's arms.

He choked me with the same hands he first caressed me with.

I wanted to believe that I deserved it. Every inch of pain. Otherwise why did I accept it? Thinking that I just accepted it for years was far worse.

I hoped this was a dream. Sometimes I would dream such horrible things that I would become paralysed and fixated. But then it wasn't monsters that got me, it was always him.

But this didn't feel the same.

While he whispered cruel things in my ear I struggled and squirmed to hide my body. He noticed and slammed my head against the wall. My vision clouded as I spat blood at him. Bad move. His face twisted and contorted as he began to drag me along the hall. My legs scraped against the floor, flesh tearing and pricking with blood.

At one point in time we were happy. We still could've been happy. But not now. Now he wears the smell of my blood and pain like perfume. I'm the one drug he'll never quit. As I lay dazed I wonder what it would feel like to be more than I was. I tried to be everything he wanted. All I know is him.

He opened the windows so my wails would be audible to the neighbours. Embarrassed I shoved my hand in my mouth, letting my teeth crunch down on my knuckles, as an attempt to muffle my screams. He kicked me hard in the ribs and pinned my hands to my sides. I shook uncontrollably, the cold air nipped at my bare skin.

I prayed the neighbours would hear me. That anyone would hear me. That she would hear me.

He pointed the tip of the gun at my lips and thrust the hard metal into my mouth. I gagged as he smiled. His hair was slick with sweat and his hand trembled with power. I turned my head as silent tears fell. The night sky was unchanging, a consistent reminder that I was alive. I used to believe my soul was in the stars but now I see I've become the sky. A comforting thought came to mind. That without the dark sky, we'd never see the stars.

I was snapped back to reality by the click of the guns safety, which was now off. I squeezed my eyes shut as I awaited my fate. Suddenly the gun was ripped harshly from my mouth , the corners bloodied. The gun was fired two times into the wall. My eyes remained shut as I pressed my head into my knees.

I knew then that the love I felt was gone.

But in my heart it had become so real.