only yours | gxg

「12」

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P E R T U B A T I O N

(n). A cause of anxiety or mental uneasiness.

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I'm fucking tired.

Despite finally ending the day by waving off all our friends and promising to send the pictures and videos we took with each other on the server, I was so fucking tired.

My body ached worse than I let on, and I tried so desperately to keep the pain hidden, away from Raven's watchful eye in particular. I regret telling her to stay with me.

Fucking idiot, Alyson.

"You okay?" Raven hummed in a dry tone. I raised an eyebrow at her question, recoiling and suddenly feeling gross in her presence.

It wasn't her fault. I knew that. I was supposed to know that. But I couldn't help the bitter feeling that washed over me, a feeling I brought on myself.

"Fine." I snapped, uncaring and cold with my tone. My tiredness was probably to blame for that. I ran out of patience with the girl I let myself get distracted with. For what? I felt nothing towards her, I barely knew her. I acted out on my own selfishness to decode the type of person she is, and my stupid mistakes made me take it out on her, undeserving as she was.

She didn't snap back at my cruel and unjustified response. Instead, she raised a brow and had a look in her eyes that I couldn't decipher, yet again. I was tired of that. But she caught herself, and her face contorted back to her default, bored expression.

"Hey! Ready to go back?" Ashley approached us after going ahead to say her last temporary goodbyes to her friends. I was too tired to even think of them as my own friends. I have no space in my mind for people I barely know. I scoffed.

"You oka-"

"Fine." I snapped at Ashley, not looking into her eyes once as I found myself becoming more irritated and anxious in the presence of the two constantly questioning women. Everything was agitating me. Paranoia, pain, publicity. I felt vulnerable just standing here, where anyone and anything could watch me next to the dark haired woman I could not keep out of my thoughts.

Pathetic. So self aware about a woman you barely know affecting you.

"We should go..." Ashley nodded at Raven, choosing to ignore me as she was all too aware of my current state, which only irked me more. I wanted to feel invisible in this moment, but not like this.

I stayed quiet, biting the inside of my cheek in pure irritation and staring dead ahead into nothing whilst the two silently concerned women led the way back home. I trailed behind, sinking back into the familiar and harsh darkness of my mind on the journey to the dorm.

———

Ashley and Raven engaged in small talk on the way home, and I caught a few obnoxious hushed whispers from Ash to Raven.

"She gets like this sometimes. Just ignore her and give her space. When she's irritable, there is nothing you can do."

I tried to tune her out, offended that she shared something personal about me to the person I found myself wanting to distance from. Or more accurately, the person I needed to distance from. Why could they not just keep ignoring me? I don't want my existence perceived. I tsk'ed lowly to myself.