only yours | gxg

「13」

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S E C U R I T Y

(n). The state of being free or protected from danger or threat.

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My body felt weak. My mind was fragile, too. I laid in bed the entire night, staring at the ceiling and forcing myself to repel any negative thoughts and to no luck. I was drowning in them, and they caved in on me until I felt paralysed.

At this point, I felt completely numb. So much has happened in recent times yet I couldn't muster the strength to feel a thing, not even sadness or dismay. I was an empty, hollow shell, just waiting for another text message to be used again - to feel purposeful and meaningful to someone. Even if it meant being thrashed around again, at least I'd be of use.

Sunlight seeped through the curtains, painting the room walls. I hadn't slept at all.

I rolled over slowly, transfixed on my roommate's back. Her light brown hair cascaded perfectly down her shoulders and pooled on her duvet. She was at peace, lost in slumber, probably dreaming about eating birthday cake or getting kidnapped by an attractive Mafia boss.

I sighed aloud. This girl has done a lot for me, but it wasn't enough to make me feel needed. Nobody and nothing could be enough, besides Chris. I breathe for him, I am here because of him, and I am who I am because of him.

Without him, I probably would have left this bleak world by now.

After all, I have no purpose in this life, other than to be his punching bag whenever he needs one. I am satisfied with that role, as it is my only purpose. I don't need to be a friend to people who have each other, which is my only other obligation. But Chris needs me, he has nobody else. He relies on me. I am his outlet and he is the only person who makes me feel something, even if it isn't positive, it's something. I wouldn't be able to continue living if I felt nothing.

I recognise that I mean something to Ashley. I just know it's not enough. She has so many other people, so many kind and genuine faces that love her and I know just from Marcus' words yesterday alone that she is so very cherished.

I am not, and I fear I never will be.

I have zero redeeming qualities and don't care for people at all. Leaving the server wouldn't affect me much because I don't know any of those people well enough, even if they are sweet and loveable, I don't belong. There is nobody I've met there who I'd regret not getting to know further.

Except for her.

I am not ever the type of person to want to be around others, let alone keep them on my mind.

But her. She is cloaked in so much mystery and I've never wanted to peel something apart more. The sketchbook, her masked expressions, the inability to read any of her thoughts. She barely talks, both online and off, yet those eyes of hers hold so much more than she lets on. I see thin layers of pain, amusement, happiness and so many emotions whenever she slightly lets her guard down, unknowing that a person in her presence is invested in her complexities. Each raise of a brow is a concealment of a thought, something I so badly want to hear vocalised in that smooth, sultry voice of hers.

I hate myself for being so deeply intrigued by somebody who rarely talks; I see a bit of myself in her.

Hiding her true character, not trusting of others, not even wanting to be around others. That's what I get from her. Though I hate to make assumptions, it's all I have on her.