This might be a real thing between us

Chapter 20

I honestly think I'm an open person about the next topic...
but it is still complicated to talk about. So let me take it slow and tell you how it all happened:

Dear Everest,

It mainly started around a year and a half to... two years ago. I don't remember why exactly but something was going on and I decided to stop going to swimming classes. Which I used to do two times a week.
During this time my weight was of 45kg and I was healthy. Nothing was wrong with me... other than my weird mood changes that made me a very angry person. I also had several moments were I almost collapsed in the middle of the hallway because I was in "that time of the month" and my legs would feel very weak and my back and abdomen would hurt a lot.

And then I started seeing changes... just barely around two weeks after getting out of swimming classes I grew hungrier for food but not in the "I'll eat junk" kind of way but more the: IM HUNGRY for anything! Kind of way.

I tried to limit my eating to what I was already used to even though I felt like starving. I couldn't understand why I was so hungry all the time! Then my face started to look even more... disgusting (according to how I wrote it in my journal). I started getting lots of pimples that would hurt a lot.

And then, I started gaining weight. Very fast! I remember it took me all Christmas vacations to go from: 45kgs to... 55 maybe even 57kgs...

To be honest it doesn't sound like too much but... I GAINED 10kg in a month or so!

I started to hate my body! I looked so, ugly, so fat and disgusting! This was not me!

And I used to hate more the fact that I tried everything to lower that weight: home exercises (since I couldn't go to swimming classes for "some reason") and nothing would work! I tried going to a specialist that would manage my diet to help me out but I couldn't keep up to it.

I started getting worse pains every month and more weight... until, my mom decided to take me to the doctor to find out what was happening.

The doctor did some hormonal studies and said that I had a problem with a hormone that is linked with those of testosterone (boys hormone) but that was specially affecting me in the "natural" or normal fats a human should have. In other words: I started accumulating more fat than what my body needed because of too many hormones in my body.

The doctor started giving me some pills that would control my hormonal levels and actually: up to now I still take them. And I'm almost back to my normal weight but... getting to where I am now was not... emotionally... easy...

I remember being two to three months into the treatment and thinking I felt amazing! I mean, maybe if I weight myself it'll say the same but I looked skinnier in the public mirrors or school mirrors (the ones in the bathrooms).

But then...

When moved houses to a better one that was still nearby my old house but this one was more cheap and comfortable than the last one but... it had a full sized mirror. And that's when I felt like my whole world crumbled down...

What is wrong with my body!
Why do I look like a disproportionate peace of trash! I look like the fattest creature in the world!

You're so disgusting! Look at your face who would ever like you!? Why do you think that in all your life no boy has ever said: I LIKE YOU BACK!

And the more I looked at the mirror... the more I believed all those mean comments I created about myself...

There's a mirror in my bathrooms door and I remember feeling so disgusted of myself that I wouldn't look at the mirror anymore... I didn't want to...
I don't want to feel this way anymore!

Please... make it end already... bring back my old body...

Things went on like that... for a while... until I was able to go back to swimming classes and I am able to keep constant with my pills to regulate everything.

But I still fear some things, and I'm still bothered about some things... even though I've successfully turned off most mean comments my brain had created... there are still some things or topics I get very insecure and feel still very vulnerable about:

You know why I still sometimes wear baggy clothes? I mean, now I wear my old shirts that were a little tight and short sleeved but... do you know why I still wear clothes that are bigger? Just some times... we'll, that's because if I feel too insecure that day or a little too self conscious about how I look ill just cover it up to feel comfortable in my body for that day... and it actually helps me feel more relaxed about myself.

Another things that I still keep in mind is, actually something I fear happening. I fear that my "medicine" or treatment will stop working or will have to be discontinued and that I go back to those old days. I'm afraid of how you'll react to the fact that maybe I go back to gaining weight or pimples and that you'll find me as ugly as I thought I looked.

The last thing I'm also conscious about is that.. after my hormonal problem... there's some parts of my body that never went back to fully normal. And they stayed different form what I was used to. And the problem with that is not much of being with friends or about what you'll honk of me but mainly of people staring at me.
I think I am slightly afraid of all the bad stuff I've heard that girls have been through like sexual assaults or other things... and the fact that I've heard it from close people scares me more... so whenever I'm going out... it's kind of weird that I will... go in comfortable clothes outside and, most of the times, I'll prefer to use big clothes or clothes that cover a lot so that I feel... safe?

I guess this last one is just a fear of mine but... I've been trying to feel comfortable with my body in comfortable clothes like: the other day I was wearing some slightly ripped jeans and a "longish" crop top that actually felt comfortable and more like me! And the fact that it had been almost two years since I last had worn something like that outfit felt very nice!

And actually, maybe you won't believe this but I'll also thank you.... cause I'm not sure if you like me or something like that but just the fact that you never spoke bad about me when I was going through all that and (most likely you never knew about ANYTHING) but...
I'm sure it was noticeable that a skinny girl went huge and then skinny-ish back again...

So thank you!

And also, a little bird told me that you liked me because of my personality and that I made you laugh and happy... so...

Thank you!!! So! Very! Much!!! For liking me by who I am and not judging how I looked or look...
Thank you again!

(And maybe I'll tell you about the persons that told me mean comments but I personally think it'll be better if we talk about this topic... in person... if we ever do...)

Sincerely,
The girl that left the mathematical note in your backpack: that said I love you in secret!