This might be a real thing between us

Chapter 29

I'm so ashamed of everything. All the things that were supposed to be good memories. I hate the majority of them. We could've been 10 months this 19 of the month but I couldn't take it anymore. I really hoped that this was more than just a "high school" or something love but it didn't go as I imagined. I realized I would apologize so often. I'd act all cute and bubbly but why? Why couldn't I be more me? I mean yeah I like to be cute but I also like to be heard when I'm angry or I'm sad.
I can't believe it. I started talking to my friend, I was so confused I didn't know if ending "us" would be the right decision but then I'd tell here all the things I felt that were wrong and that's when I realized. This was more toxic than I ever imagined it to be. I never saw anything of us toxic. For gods sake I was IN LOVE I WAS DRUGGED IN THIS THING CALLED LOVE. I had fallen so deep... but all we did was go round and round like a horse on a carousel.
Now that Melanie Martínez song made SO MUCH SENSE!
Why couldn't I realize sooner? Why was I so blind in love? And why did reality strike so fast? So... unexpectedly.
I now think of everything in the past. I realize more and more things that were wrong I CAN LIST THEM!? Why? Why is that even posible?

1) I say sorry too much,

2) I stopped wearing revealing clothes,

3) I stopped drawing my emotions,

4) I'd tell you everything but I'd have to beg to know anything about you,

5) you'd lie to me about how you are,

6) you'd hide things from me,

7) you'd act as if everything was ok,

8) you'd try to get some guys away from me saying "they aren't nice dudes",
I can protect myself sir,

9) you'd try to do something nice to pull me back,

10) if that didn't work then you'd make yourself a victim to pull me back to you,

11) you just thought about yourself,

12) I CRIED AND BEGGED FOR "THIS" TO BE OVER I WAS SO TIRED OF ALL OF IT...so sick of hurting... and all you said was to give you a second chance, and that you'd change,

13) the problem is, you didn't... you didn't even try,

Am I the bad guy for ending things with you? Do you want revenge? Do you hate me? I don't care, now I'm just scared of myself. I'm scared that people know the wrong end of this conversation. So let me say it before anything happens... let's start with the list. Let's explain the list:

1) I say sorry too much. I'd apologize for everything I did. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to remind you of something bad. I'm sorry I drew something scary the other day. I'm sorry I even thought of breaking up. I'm sorry for this and that... sorry for anything I did.
Such a foolish behavior of mine.

2)I stopped wearing revealing clothes,
And not the revealing type like some girls that reallllly looks uncomfortable on their skirts.. but the normal: short shorts, crop tops, maybe a short skirt but still long enough to be a bit more comfy. But you'd say how much you didn't like me using that stuff but then be all "in love" and "into me" if I wore the same thing to some place we went together. I couldn't wear those clothes with my GIRL friends nor my family. I still remember vividly the day you said you were battling your "inner demons" because they wouldn't stop bothering. And I know that feeling so darn well because I also battle them so often, or I used to. But what really hurt me was when you said:
"The thing is that I'm battling them but they keep telling me that you are going to cheat on me or go to another dude specially because of the clothes you were wearing. But don't get me wrong I don't want you to stop using them it's just my brain saying this crazy stuff".
So you're telling me, your brain is saying I'm going to go around and be a hôre or a slüt and cheat on the person I trust and love the most in this world? Is your brain saying how much the SAME CLOTHES you loved for me to have for you are the same ones that caused this problem? Is your brain telling me that YOU, the one that always got flirted on when I left a party, is the same guy that got jealous and anxious about something I wore WITH NO MAN OR OPPOSITE GENDER STARING AT ME?
So, you're telling me that all the trust I put into knowing you'd never cheat and that you'd know what to do when girls approached you asking if I was your girls friend. That same trust you never had for me, NO RESPECT?
But then again I did make a mistake... I apologized, and stopped using those clothes for anyone but you... sometimes not even for you. Because, imagine if someone stared at me while I was with you!? While every time I left a party you'd message me about girls that approached you... and with the intention of flirting. Gosh, why in the world did I trust you so much!? And why could you never trust me if all the things I ever did were to please you?