Find Me

Ch. 13

Alexia's pov

Breakfast wasn't easy this morning but it's never been easy. I don't think it'll ever be easy. I wish I could eat like a normal person, or know my moms secrets to it all, but I think I'll always feel guilt or worry about what I'm eating.

"You're not going to do a tour for this album are you?" I ask mom.

She turns her head to me and lets out a soft sigh, "I won't be able to tour for a while Lex. I can't bring a baby or toddler on a tour, that'd be too hard to do. I don't even think I'll release this album. I wrote it when I was in a happier place with your father." She says.

"New music is new music Momma. Your fans just want new music, it's been a while since the last album and tour. Maybe put a intro before the album about how you feel about things now or something? He was the one who messed things up, not you." I say.

"I'll think about it babygirl." She says and I nod.

"Or you can just do a new album and do what you really want to do." I say.

She gives a weak smile, "You've always been supportive of me haven't you?"

"Because if I'm not, you wouldn't do what you want to do most. You'd do what I want. You deserve all you have and I like seeing you live your dreams. It makes you happy." I say.

"I have the best daughter in the entire world." She says.

"I have the best mom in the world. I know I never say thank you enough, but I really appreciate all you do for me. No matter what you're doing or how busy you are, you always find a way to balance home and career. I love you so much and I am thankful I have you still. You've always been more involved with me and I don't know what I'd do without you. It would hurt so much more if I didn't have you. It hurts to know what he's done, but it doesn't hurt that he's not here." I say.

"I could never leave you Alexa. You mean the word to me and so does this baby. You two will always be my focus and priority." She says.

"Are you scared?" I ask.

She lets out a soft sigh before playing with my hair as a distraction. Something she's always done when I ask her tough questions.

"I'm worried. I know I can raise this baby alone. I know what to do and what not to do. I know what to expect and how tough some nights or stages will be. I'm not worried about parenting. I'm just worried about the day this baby finds out about its father. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle that. I don't know if I should be honest in the beginning or tell the truth later." She admits.

"If it were me, I'd want honesty in the beginning. You wouldn't necessarily be lying by saying he left, but I'd still feel so much hurt by you not telling me the full truth. I maybe just say 'He found another woman and left' then as they get older and can understand more tell them the full truth. I'll be here to help out though momma. You'll get free babysitting out of me. Plus once I move out I'll visit a bunch too. I'm going to have to come back to visit my baby sibling. But I'm in no rush to move out." I say.

"I'm not looking forward to the day you do move out. Im going to be crying for a while." Mom sighs.

"It'll be a while before I do. I need free housing and food." I giggle.

Mom chuckles, "If you stay forever, I'll provide both." She says.

"Doesn't sound like a bad idea. When have I ever not relied on you for stuff? If I moved out I'd be a mess." I say.

Due to anxiety I've always leaned on my mom more. My dads never really understood it and has kind of forced me into a few situations I didn't do well in. My doctor thought it was regular anxiety up until this year when he realized it was social anxiety. But medicine isn't doing much to help to be honest. My mom is kinda like the only person I feel constantly safe with. I cant do anything without her.