Find Me

Ch. 20

Alexia's pov

I've been laying in the guest bedroom with my aunt for an hour now. I haven't done much talking since she's picked me up and I went completely silent once we got to her house. She knows somethings wrong, but I think she's waiting on me to tell her myself.

"What are you upset about angel?" Aunt Stephanie questions.

Am I that readable?

"I don't want a sibling and I've tried to tell myself over and over I do and it'll be cool, but I can't convince myself of that. I haven't wanted one and I'm getting one. Everything's going to change and I'm not ready for that or want that. Babies cry and I'm going to be woken up just as much as my mom is now. I'm not going to get all her attention because babies require a lot of attention. The whole house dynamic is going to change. I feel sick knowing that it's going to be born today and these are my last hours as an only child. Like I really want to throw up and feel like I will. I want to cry but I don't like crying. I hate how my life's turning out now. I lost my dad, all my secrets came out in a hospital room, I woke up to my mom being pregnant, my moms having the baby, she already hasn't been paying much attention to me, and I'm going to have to live with her and the sibling I just don't want." I say.

"Adjusting to being an older sibling is hard Alexia, what you're feeling is something a lot of people feel. You're not the only one who's felt that way. It's hard to adjust to having a baby sibling. However it's not awful you know. Once you sort of adjust you begin to not despise or hate the siblings as much as you did before and slowly you begin to have a liking towards it." She says.

"I don't want to be an older sister Aunt Steph, I feel like the only reason I've mattered is because I've been the only child my moms had for all this time. But now she has another one and I feel like my level of importance had just gone down. You can tell me it hasn't over and over and over, but I don't feel that way. I won't feel any different because the baby isn't even here and my moms bumped my level of importance down. It'll only go further down from here." I say.

She sits at the end of the bed with a frown as my eyes begin to water, "Have you told your mom how you feel?" She asks.

"Why should I tell her how I feel if she isn't paying enough attention to something that's so easy to realize? I haven't been smiling or laughing so something is obviously wrong and she hasn't even noticed it. It doesn't matter Aunt Steph." I say.

My eyes go from watery to sending a whole stream of tears down my face.

"She can't read your mind you know? She needs a little help from you to tell her when something isn't right. I think you need to tell her how you feel now. You've lead her on to believe that you're fine Alexia. She's trusting you and what you say because she doesn't want you to feel like she doesn't trust you. You know it's not easy for her to trust you after what you did. She's already questioning everything you tell her and so she's having to tell herself you're being honest and telling her everything wrong." Aunt Steph says.

"Well she should know that I'm not because she knows I'm not being fully honest in therapy. So how can she expect me to be honest to her? If something seems of then it is and she should question it." I say.

"Do you really want your mom to not trust you?" She asks.

I wipe my tears, "If it leads to her attention to being on me, then yes." My voice cracks.

She pushes my hair out of my face, "Hun, she's it trying to. You know she wouldn't purposely try and hurt you. She's been in pain for a while because of the pregnancy and she's had to focus on taking care of herself too. She's had to get the nursery done for the baby too. She does still have to work too and has been. She's been trying to balance things out kiddo. She's trying to figure out how to do things without help. You're dads not here to help her anymore and she's only one person." Aunt Stephanie says.