Find Me

Ch. 32

Alexia's pov

It's been three days since the truth came out and I have never been lower in my life. My mom went from spending time at night with this guy to spending the entire day with him.

I have not left my bed in three days and I haven't done a feeding tube feeding or eaten my snacks in that time either. Because at this point it doesn't matter. My mom can do what makes her happy so I can do the same thing right? I have no point in getting better now that my mom could careless about me or my health.

I stand in my bathroom and look at my reflection as I pull the tape off my cheek. I put my hand around the tube and slowly begin to pull it out. It's extremely uncomfortable to say the least, but I know my life is about to become so much better. I continue to pull the tube until the end of it is out of my body and I grab the scissors.

"I don't need this anyway. I shouldn't have ever been forced to use one to begin with. It's my body and I should be allowed to do what I want to it even if it hurts me. People can smoke cigarettes even though it causes cancer but I can't choose to starve myself for weight loss? This was fucked up from the start." I remind myself.

I begin to cut the feeding tube into tiny pieces and once I'm unable to cut it further, I pick the tiny pieces up and put it into the trash can. I then look at the pump and tear off everything I can until it's too damaged to turn back on. It then goes in the same place the feeding tube is.

I walk myself downstairs and to my moms room where I lock the door behind me so my aunt can't stop me from doing anything.

I lurk around her room until I come across the drawer in my dads nightstand filled with my medication.

"It's my medication, I can do what I want with it. It's prescribed to me and me only. I won't be hurting her by taking my own medication. She doesn't care anyway at this point, I'll only be doing her a favor. Because I'm evidently extremely selfish, self absorbed, and too much responsibility. I don't make her happy anymore is what she basically said. Only Austin makes her happy. So it's ok if I do this, she has Austin, my dad is too busy with my half brother, and my mom already has another baby to replace me. This is ok. I can keep being selfish since I'm a selfish person. I can keep thinking about myself and what I want and this is what I want." I say as I open the bottles of medication.

I dump the pills into the pocket of my jeans and leave the empty bottles in my moms room. I walk to her bathroom where I take all the pills and set them on the bathroom counter. I grab a cup under the sink and fill it with sink water and get to work on swallowing them pills six at a time.

My moms doing what makes her happy, I'm doing what makes me happy. It doesn't matter anymore. I was trying to get better for the sake of her, but she's proved she doesn't care about me or my health. There's no point trying to get better to stop someone else's pain if they no longer feel that. I am taking care of my pain now. All of it is too much to handle yet again and I'm done feeling it. It's not going to get better, if it were it would have by now. It's only getting worse though and I can't take any of it anymore.

Once I've swallowed all my pills, I throw the cup away into the garbage and walk out of my moms room. I manage to successfully pass the nursery without grasping my aunts attention from leaving my moms room.

I rush back upstairs to my room and lock my bedroom door behind me before I open my nightstand and grab my blade.

If you use a knife you'll get deep her cuts and have a higher probability of cutting a vein and bleeding out that way.

I hide my blades back in my nightstand and get up from my bed. I unlock my door and quickly, but quietly, make my way downstairs. I'm not trying to alarm my aunt with anything I do.