All I Need

八

Namjoon didn't realize it, but ever since the incident with Jungkook, he had started to get much, much worse.

It became almost impossible to even fake smiles at this point.

Namjoon was still not eating. When he did, he'd throw it up.

Namjoon threw himself into his music and spent all his time in his studio, even more time then Yoongi does.

Namjoon's hair was thin and would fall out if you ran your fingers through it.

Though he wore a big sweatshirt, you could still tell how much weight he had lost.

It was hot outside, but Namjoon couldn't wear shorts and t-shirts due to the numerous amounts of cuts.

It became a normal daily thing that Namjoon would think of ending his life. At times he came close but ended up throwing his blade or pill bottle across the room. He was too much of a coward to go through with it.

All Namjoon could focus on was being a better leader and getting the members to love him once again.

.

Namjoon heard a knock on his studio door. He was feeling really tired so he simply told the person to come in instead of him getting up to answer it.

Taehyung popped his head in and gave Namjoon a smile.

"Hey hyung! We ordered chicken and beer to celebrate our success!" Taehyung said with a huge grin.

Namjoon wanted to say no. He wanted to continue to hide. Out of fear he decided to join them. What if they thought he didn't want to spend time with them? What if they ended up hating him more?

Namjoon held onto the table and got up slowly. He didn't want to pass out in front of Taehyung.

That would be bad.

Namjoon walked with Taehyung into the living room and was met with the smell of chicken. His stomach grumbled at the wonderful smell.

He sat down on the couch next to Yoongi.

Yoongi gave Namjoon a smile before handing him a beer.

Namjoon only got a sip into his beer before Hoseok asked a question that Namjoon did not want to hear.

"Namjoon...are you okay?"

The room was silent. All Namjoon could hear was his heart pounding in his ears.

Do they know? Do they know about the cutting and not eating?

Oh no.

I'm screwed.

Sweat began to form on Namjoon's forehead.

Namjoon gave Hoseok a smile and spoke.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"

"You have been really distant and we are worried about you.." Hoseok said quietly.

Namjoon then realized that this was not a celebration party. It was a way to interrogate him.

Namjoon looked down at his hands holding his beer can.

"There is nothing to be worried about hyung.." Namjoon said.

He even didn't believe himself when he said that.

Yoongi gave Namjoon a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry Joon...you can tell us what's happening.." Yoongi said.

Namjoon was getting defensive.

"There is nothing happening hyung." Namjoon snapped.

Yoongi sighed.

"Hyung...you know that I was having those issues with my self love and weight...and um.." Jimin's voice cracked.

Namjoon looked up to see Jimin wiping tears.

"You have just gotten so thin lately and I'm worried that the same thing is happening to you.." Jimin said with a shaky voice.

Namjoon reassured him that he's fine.

"Hyung cut the crap. I've heard you throwing up after dinner." Jungkook said.

Namjoon hated himself for being so careless to let someone hear.

"What?" Jin asked.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Yoongi asked.

Did Jungkook not tell anyone?

I guess he really doesn't care about me.

"I was scared...I couldn't wrap it around my head that our happy and strong leader was doing something like that.." Jungkook said quietly.

Fuck. I'm a disappointment and a failure at being a leader.

"Hyung say something.." Taehyung said.

"I'm sorry...I just couldn't help it! I felt horrible with myself. I felt like you guys hated me and that this was the only way to be happy..." Namjoon said quietly.

"We could never hate you.." Yoongi said.

Namjoon scoffed.

"You would if you knew about how weak I am..or about the shit I do to myself in those moments of weakness.." Namjoon mumbled the last part.

Yoongi picked up on it since he was right next to him.

Yoongi's eyebrows scrunched together in concern.

Yoongi looked at Namjoon's sleeve covered wrist and realized that Namjoon has been wearing long sleeves all the time even when its really hot out.

"Namjoon...have you been.." Yoongi gulped.

The other members were confused, but when Yoongi motioned to his wrist the members caught on.

"Hyung..."

Namjoon started to panic.

No, no, no, no, no!

They can't know!!!

No!

They will really hate me!

I'm such an idiot! Why did I say that?!

"Namjoon...are you...hurting yourself?" Yoongi asked with worry in his voice.

Namjoon looked at Yoongi with pained eyes.

The second they made eye contact Namjoon broke down.

First tears ran down his cheeks, then whimpers began to escape his lips, which turned into painful sobs.

Yoongi began to rub circles on Namjoon's back.

"I'm sorry hyung...I was just so upset and lonely...I felt like you guys hated me and didn't want me around.."

Namjoon covered his face with his hands as he continued to sob. He was so embarrassed that the members were seeing him like this.