We Are A Beautiful Disaster

I'm a Mess

Gerard pov

I'm not proud of the person I am today... I feel as if everything I've accomplished over the past few years is nothing more than a facade and underneath it all I'm still just a heartbroken alcoholic. I have so many supportive people in my life telling me I am so much more... yet I find myself back in a terrifying cycle... drink, intervention, rehab, repeat. It's awful.
"Gerard?" A soft distant voice called out my name, pulling me from what I realized was sleep. "It's okay." He whispered and I could feel delicate fingers running through my hair.
I slowly opened my eyes, immediately feeling the pounding headache taking over. I looked around curiously as I woke up.
"Frank? Aw what the fuck?" I groaned as my head continued to feel like my frontal lobe was stabbed.
"Here's some aspirin." He quickly handed it to me then took the water from the night stand. "You were crying. I didn't mean to wake you up." He added, sitting uncomfortably at the end of my bed.
"What?" I realized he was right. A trail of cold tears lingered on my cheeks and I quickly moved to wipe them. "Oh god. I'm sorry."
"No it's fine. You've had a rough night."
"What time is it?"
"Around 7pm. I got here around 4pm yesterday. We were worried about you."
"We?" I asked, suddenly dreading the fact that I might have to face my brother.
"Lindsey said you weren't answering the phone."
"Why didn't she call Mikey? Not that I really want to see him right now."
"No answer. Bob neither."
"That's not a surprise." I scoffed bitterly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well Bob and I had a fight and I kicked him out."
"Makes sense that he didn't pick up then."
"Yeah." I sighed.
"Does that have something to do with the alarming amount of empty vodka bottles around this apartment? Like I really wanna approach this gently but Gerard this is extremely concerning."
"I was feeling kinda shitty so I went out and bought a bunch of alcohol and got wasted. I was feeling overwhelmed." I've got no other choice but to own up to it, but I fear watching history repeat itself. "You saw all of that last night?"
He nodded.
"I'm sorry." I got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. I watched frank in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and washed my face.
"You really worry me. I mean fuck, hadn't you been sober for two years?!"
"Yeah but it's hasn't felt like my accomplishment. All my actions feel like someone else's." I reentered the bedroom and leaned against my dresser for support.
"You know we have to call Mikey. I don't know what to do with this." Frank spoke from behind me.
"He's going to be so disappointed." I turned to face him dejectedly.
Frank looked at me apologetically, "He wants what's best for you."
"Am I even capable of not being a crappy adult? Even when I fucking met you I was nothing but a lost 20 year old drug addict."
"Yeah Gerard, you had issues, but there's a hell of a lot more to you."
"Even after everything you did, I'm still the same... my lack of progress is why you left."
"Gerard you are a goddamn creative genius! That shit isn't everybody's default. That's why I was so attracted to you in the first place. Your mind is unlike anyone else I had ever met. All I wanted was to see you thrive. After all our obstacles, I thought... maybe the problem was me."
"Well it wasn't." I scoffed, giving him a look of frustration and disbelief.
"I know." He breathed, then surprising me when he reached behind me and pulled me into a hug.
I shoved my face into his shirt, absentmindedly inhaling his scent.
He gently petted my hair, letting my breathing slow down and body relax.
"I honestly missed you." He moved to murmur in my shoulder. "I was scared that maybe something happened to you while I was gone."
My mind drifted to all those drunken suicidal nights that my poor brother had to diffuse when the only person I wanted was the one holding me right now.
"Almost died on multiple occasions." I spoke truthfully. There's a part of me that wants him to know everything, no matter how painful it is for me to recall and for those involved as well. "I'm just a shitty adult." I laughed bitterly, realizing I was on the verge of crying.
"You aren't the only one." Frank soothed, not letting me go from his secure embrace. Easy for him to say. He's so well put together after all these years. He's younger than me but I find him so admirable.
"I feel so pathetic. I'm honestly disgusting." I tried to pull away, realizing it was pointless to fight him.
"Nobody's perfect Gerard." I could feel the warm breath of his whispers against my ear.
"You could've fooled me." I bit my lip to stifle the shiver that travelled down my spine.
"I'm a hopeless romantic who's stuck on one guy, meaning I'd do anything for him."
"Lucky guy." I looked up at him, seeing the faint smile playing on his rosy lips. "You think so?" He asked, brushing hair behind my ear.
"Yeah." I replied breathlessly feeling like running away while my body did the opposite. I leaned into him, losing myself in his familiar warmth. He's the only person I'd ever let do this to me. I hug friends and family, but it rarely lingers like that of a past lover.
"I just wish he didn't think so lowly of himself." His head slightly tilted.
"I'm sure he has reasons why..." I gripped his forearms anxiously.
Frank pulled my torso closer abruptly, causing me to look at him. "I'm serious you know."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling a bit unnerved in his gaze.
"You can do better." I muttered, tearing my eyes away from the charming shade of hazel.
"Then I don't want better." I could tell he was a bit frustrated with me through the tone of his voice. There were elements of sadness there too that I didn't know how to comprehend.
"I don't want to put you through this again. Obviously I'm not better!"
"Let me help you."
"I don't want to be your charity case! I'm tired of dragging people down-"
"Gerard, I love you."
"Stop-"
"Please... I need you." He continued to whisper trembling words in my ear, touching his nose gingerly against the side of my head. His hands gripped my wrists protectively, like I would disappear if he let go...
"I'm begging you, leave me." I let a short sob leave my lips before I messily attempted to quiet myself.
"I can't." He sounded so strained when he breathed that into my neck, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms. "I still love you." His hands moved up to gently hold my face. I felt myself freeze up as his lips lightly brushed against mine. My eyes fluttered shut as my heart began to panic. A familiar feeling came over me as his lips firmly met mine. There was a whole lot of emotion that came with the simple act, causing my brain to fill with bittersweet memories from our previously abandoned relationship. Our lips danced and I got lost in the sensation. Our breath became heavy as hands roamed supple bodies.
He gasped into my mouth as my hands drifted to his hair, gripping the long locks as we kissed.
We shouldn't be doing this. I know that very well, but even as my mind is screaming at me, all I can do is cling to him like a life source. I hate that all I do is inconvenience the people I love... Linsey, my brother, and Frank have all fallen into this trap and there is nothing I can do about it... they pity me, I know that.
"Stop thinking." He separated our mouths to gingerly press our foreheads together and catch our breaths. I felt his fingers tug at the hem of my shirt before he effortlessly lifted it over my head. "What?"
"You're stiff. I can tell something's wrong."
There was a pause before I spoke, once again with the urge to cry, "I wish you hated me." Despite those words, he placed chaste kisses along my neck and down my chest, occasionally leaving love marks in his wake. "You deserve better than me." As I continued, he traced back up to harshly latch his lips to the side of my neck. My stomach flipped and I let out a gasp as he bit me.
"I told you to stop. You've got to stop! Even after all this time about you still sit there and self deprecate your horrible insecurities and it has to stop!" His voice dominated over me but I still understand the concern behind his frustration.
"You know I can't." I choked out. "You also know there is some truth behind what I'm saying."
Franks facial expression became one I hadn't recognized.
"I know you think that out of everyone in your life, you're the only one who's made mistakes and that's not true... You can't let those thoughts consume you! That's a toxic way to life ave you won't last much longer. I am not perfect Gerard. We all have our secrets and buried insecurities. I want you to know mine... and in exchange, I want to know everything about you-things that have changed within the past three years. I want to be the one person for you. Like I should have been this whole time." With that, he won. I decided that I wanted to give everything to this man even if he was to suddenly take my advice and leave tomorrow. I am irrevocably in love with him. "You're so gorgeous." We continued to kiss, rediscovering each other as we went. Loving frank feels like a mental time warp back when I was more assured in myself and in him because at the end of the day... he was mine.
I yanked at his shirt, urging him to remove it then slid my hands up his stomach and formulated tattoo covered chest to reside on his broad shoulders. He's filled out quite a lot since his teenage years.
If anything, I've lost weight...
His hands gripped my hips possessively before promptly unbuttoning my pants and pulling them to my ankles.
God, I wouldn't be surprised if I was dreaming.
"We should slow down." I gasped. If I was being honest, that's not what I wanted, but I feel as if it's the right thing to do.
"I'm afraid." He breathed, his sensitive features creating a beautifully tortured expression. His gorgeous hazel eyes poured into mine as they glossed over. "I don't want to loose you again under any circumstances." He's feeling vulnerable...
"That's in your control, you realize that right?"
"Gerard you are as unpredictable as I am. We could easily hurt each other... but I need you to trust me." Frank traced his lips over my stomach, causing my thoughts to shatter into a million pieces before messily recuperating.
"I do trust you, Frank. God, I've been unwillingly stuck on you for three years. I've thought of you everyday and I've always wanted you... in any way I could have you. Whether it be as a friend or partner."
His eyes looked up for a moment to search mine.
"If we do this again... I mean us... you have to take better care of yourself. I can't go through your behavior three years ago again. I just can't. You might destroy your body if you let me effect you like that." He continued to caress and worship different parts of my body as he spoke, making my heart flutter.
"You know that my relapse last night had nothing to do with you, right?" My voice shook as I tried to remain calm, ignoring how it felt like my cells were humming with both anticipation and anxiety.
"You've been through a lot these past three years. Especially recently with me coming home and I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I need you to confide in me instead of any alcoholic drink or drug."
In a moment of hazy love, I felt fully capable of trusting Frank with anything. Even though time has passed I still know him. He is a good person—a caring person.
"I promise."
He leaned up and gave me a soft kiss.
"We don't have to do this. I got carried away."
"Do you want this?"
"Yes, but I don't want you to feel forced to do anything."
"I'm never forced with you."
He paused as if analyzing the truth behind my words.
"Okay." Was all he responded with before we passed the threshold of no return. I shyly paused him against the wall of my bedroom before falling to my knees before the man who has complete control over my mind and body.
I felt my self relax instantly as all my pain and stress was blown away and all that was left was the love we had abandoned rekindling like a fire, my lips are the flint and steel and his the spark. I needed more, I needed him and for the first time in a long time, he was mine to take. I counted and traced each of his hip tattoos with my fingertips only moving as he removed his denim jeans and discarded them on the ground blindly.
"These are all new." I stated knowingly, leaning down to kiss one of the groan as my tongue traced the delicate area.
"They are. You haven't seen a lot of them before."
"I like them." I dragged my teeth along the skin of his lower stomach, loving the way his breathing fluctuated because of me.
A lot of time was spent marking his body with intense red marks, not stopping he became sensitive and somewhat impatient under my touch.
"Touch me more." He breathed, eyes shut and eyebrows furrowed.
I pulled his underwear down to expose him and he looked painfully aroused. I didn't hesitate to touch him, slowly moving my hand up and down.
At the end of the day, I'm so saint. I've had plenty of drunken hookups though they never went past hand jobs or blowjobs. Still it was an incredible low point in my life. A time that lacked love for others and myself.
Frank lust filled groans brought me back into the moment. "Faster mmh please." He moaned. The sound was familiar yet still music to my ears.
I immediately moved faster causing him to tense up.
He was close.
Quiet moans filled the room as I worked him towards his orgasm. "Wait. Lemme touch you." I stood up as his fingers clumsily reached for the waist of my trousers before pulling them down. He gripped me hard and a small noise got trapped in my throat.
"Frank." Pleasure erupted in my stomach, making me loose my bearings for a moment.
I stroked Frank faster as I felt myself suddenly get close.
"I can't—I'm coming." Just as he said that, his stomach sucked in, and he came with a heavy moan. "Oh god, Gerard." He spoke out into the air, still looking like he could feel the after shocks. It didn't take long before he pinned me against the wall and suddenly he was the one on his knees.
"You don't have to—"
"I want to."
I nodded, swallowing thickly. He pressed a kiss to my tip before slowly sinking down to the base. "I'm already close—you didn't have to—mmh!" I shamefully unloaded everything, feeing distant as unfamiliar sounds left my lips. Franks hands once again gripped my hips, keeping me close as I attempted to pull away. "I'm done!" I sobbed, feeling the overly intense pleasure in my stomach also linger at my fingertips and curled toes...
Frank removed his mouth from my body, leaving my to try and find my train of thought. "Gerard, I love you." Frank spoke once again, but I didn't know where it came from. My eyelids felt heavy as I tried to look for him.
I felt his presence behind me as he lifted me off my feet and swiftly carried me to the bed.
"Please stay." I heard myself speak, even though I was partially claimed by sleep.
"I'll be right here." Was the last thing I heard before drifting off into nothingness....
I awoke abruptly the next morning contemplating if it was all a dream, but the minute I saw his clothes littered around my bedroom floor I knew. Remnants of Frank were everywhere but Frank himself was nowhere to be seen. I climbed out of bed and pulled one of our discarded shirts over my head.
I entered the kitchen where there were warm pancakes on the counter making me realize the kitchen was clear of all alcoholic bottles as well as vomit from before. My search for Frank ended immediately as he entered through the front door. "You're awake! Sorry if I freaked you out by not being in bed. I was up early." He approached me casually and wrapped me in a hug before kissing me on the forehead. The small action literally made me want to burst into tears but I restrained.
"Why were you outside?"
"Took a phone call."
"From who?"
"Well first Lindsey then my band mate."
"Oh the one I met the other day? Are you in trouble again?"
"Eh yeah but it's all under control." He shrugged but I could tell there was a hint of stress there. He made his way over the the stupidly fat stack of pancakes on the counter and plopped a few on a plate before setting the on the table.
"You made a lot of pancakes, Frank." I sat down at my sad excuse of a table, before starting to butter and syrup my pancakes. I watery Frank wall around the kitchen looking for certain stuff and my eyes took him in for the thousandth time within the past 24 hours.
"Oh, I'm sorry you had to clean up after me... it was probably gross..."
"Consider it all a peace offering."
I laughed awkwardly, "For what?"
"Starting new. As of yesterday." He clarified.
I could stop the smile that formed on my lips.
"Yeah, okay. Starting new."
It all seems so promising... unless Mikey find out.

Okay yeah that was unexpected. Sorry for no smut warning. Wasn't in the plans originally. I know like three people read this so I was like whatever. Might be some typos. Haven't gone through yet. Thanks for reading! Pls comment.
-Kayla