We Are A Beautiful Disaster

Joyriding

Gerard pov

I sat in the back room of the coffee shop staring at the black clock that contrasted against the cream colored wall. I could hear each indistinctive tick as seconds past.
I reclined back against the cheap plastic chair and rested my feet on the foldable card table we used back here. I just came in from a smoke and I still had a few minutes of time left before my break was over.
Sometimes, I hate being addicted to nicotine and the way it fills my lungs or how it looks when I exhale the transparent smoke. There's always that downside to smoking, it makes me think. And what else is there to think about other than Frank? Right, nothing because he's all my life consists of. He makes up most of my thoughts and lately it's been more often. It's getting more difficult to ignore the fact that he's all I want.
By now I've taken more than enough time to contemplate the fact that Frank came back here for me, and if that's the truth then damn, I could actually get what I desire. Yes, I'd be playing with fire, but do I really care? I've got nothing to lose.
Mikey is convinced Frank will fuck up my improved mental state, but am I exactly healthy if all I think about is Frank? I wouldn't consider that better...
The door opened and I shifted my attention to Bob as he entered. "Gerard, I wanted to talk." He said, shutting the door gently behind him.
"Can we not do this right now. It's my first day back at work Bob." I sighed, resisting the urge to go back outside and smoke some more.
"Gerard-"
"There isn't anything else to say today that wasn't already conversed Friday. I made a mistake. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was just trying to figure myself out and you got caught in the middle of it. I'm sorry. I was really hoping it would've effected our friendship."
"It's fine. I'm not angry anymore. I know you aren't just using me. I was just hurt." Bob's shoulders drooped at the mention of his feelings and he reached up a hand to scratch nervously at the back of his head that held his almost strawberry blonde like hair.
"You're right. I'm not, but that doesn't change anything." I stated sadly.
"I can't just ignore the fact that I still have feelings for you!"
"Try to! I don't want you to be caught up on me. Find somebody worthy of you. Ready for you." I shot up from my seat and went towards him to go out the door.
Bob caught my arm, halting me. "You are worthy Gerard."
"Maybe, but I'm not ready." With that I tore away from his cold fingertips and stepped around him entering the main part of the cafe.
I was only gone for a three days, but I still missed the smell of coffee beans and pastries. The friendly atmosphere in this place never ceases to amaze me.
I switched places with Ray at the cash register with a smile on my face, prepared to greet customers. Bob followed me out and I almost snapped. Anger would get him to leave me alone, but that always results in losing him for awhile. "I believe you are only acting like this because you're overthinking this whole thing." He wrangled frustratingly.
"Later boss. We have customers." I muttered as I heard the bell ring that was attached to the door.
"I want to talk about this now! There is no later with you! You've been ignoring me-"
I looked at him to see why he stopped talking, but my unasked question was answered when I followed his gaze from Bob's flabbergasted expression to meet the face of Frank Iero. His eyes were as wide as mine, like a deer in headlights and I could tell his mind completely blanked as the English dictionary was set aflame inside his mind.
Immediately Bob tensed beside me. I felt his fingers slowly wrap around my wrist and pull me away from the counter.
I was stunned.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't speak.

It was all true.

He is here. Fate- or more likely stubbornness, has brought him back to me. Led him here, where he stood right across the counter. If it wasn't for the shock that numbed my insides I would have been a complete mess. Even now, in my state I could feel the two parts of me battle for dominance over my chaotic emotions.
The part of me that wanted to jump over this counter and make him mine again versus the part that just wanted him gone. That part of me was enraged. I could feel the betrayal renter my heart with the force of a car crash.
I could ask him what he wanted. Give him his coffee and he could leave. I'd have to cling to the fact that in this moment Frank is just another valued customer.
"Welcome to cafe Belleville how may I help you?" Ray beamed, seeming to unpause time. Bob and I backed up as Ray took over the cash register.
We didn't make it very far because Frank wasn't here for coffee. We all knew that. "No uh, I'd like to speak to Gerard if that's um possible..." He looked over at me with nervous eyes, hazel eyes I could never resist.
"Break?" I asked Bob in a hushed tone, pulling my wrist away. He hesitated before releasing me.
"Don't do anything rash." He whispered in my ear before disappearing into the back room.
Rash was my middle name, but I'll try. There's no telling what I'd do, and that scares me just as much as Bob.
I took off my apron, handing it to Ray before walking out from behind the counter. I don't know where we were going to go, but I blindly followed Frank out the cafe and onto the sidewalk. Despite the feeling of the warm sunshine hitting my skin, I felt an indescribable feeling of resentment.
"You shouldn't be here." I was telling myself more than him as we walked side by side with enough tension to kill a person.
"I know." Was all he said. I could hear the shame in his voice. Several wordless moments passed before he spoke, "Gerard I'm sorry-"
"Sorry? Frank that doesn't even begin to make up for everything." I was trying to remain calm. I really was. The awkward feeling was melting into frustration and I began to remember how much I've wanted answers for the last three fucking years!
"I know. I just-I don't know what else to say. I fucked up. Badly, and I hurt the people I care about. Most importantly, I hurt you." Frank could see how unsatisfied I was with his words. "Look, I'm not sure what Mikey or Pete said, but I swear I never meant to hurt you like I did. This is all just one more thing I regret."
Frank was so calm. Though, I'm sure he's planned this out to the best of his ability. I despised how beautiful he looked. He had a good life in Michigan, I could tell. Even if he was riddled with thoughts of me.
It's all unfair!
I absolutely hate that Frank hid behind his long ebony hair as my glare seemed to affect him more emotionally than physically.
"If you're going to apologize appropriately could you at least look at me?" Frank remained still for a moment, deciding what he wanted to do. He turned his head toward me and his hair fell away from his face, showing him fully. "Tell me, why did you leave? Not only did you cut Mikey and I off, but you left New Jersey! How'd you even get your dad to agree to such a thing?!"
"He died."
Frank's voice held so much emotion in one curt sentence that I literally stopped walking just to process it.
"What?" My question was no louder than a whisper, but he still managed to hear. Frank had tensed to the point where his hands were balled up into fists at his sides and his eyebrows furrowed above his tightly shut eyes.
I'm no stranger to the fact that Frank's father was an incompetent role model, but it was all he had. After all, Frank's mother is dead, and the place they once shared was burned to the ground by Frank himself. I've always wondered if he regretted doing that...
"When?" I questioned, feeling my throat dry as I attempted to speak.
A gentle breeze collided with my skin and Frank visibly relaxed as the edge was taken off the intense heat.
"A lot happened in between when we broke up and when I left for Michigan. That time period was only a week, but it still managed to fuck up everything." Frank let out a half hearted chuckle before continuing, "My choice to go to Michigan was impetuous. I just needed to get away. When I got on that plane, the plan was to come back after a year or so. But then I thought, what was the point? I didn't have you anymore."
I felt hatred form in my stomach at the way he spoke. He sounded as if he loved me and last time I checked he didn't.
"You would've had me if you came back." I muttered, words now just flowing out my mouth.
"I wanted to try to move on. I told myself I didn't need you. Took three years for me to finally admit that I do."
"You have no idea how hard I tried to get you out of my head. Everyday and every night you're there! It's to the point where I don't even fight it anymore." I looked down at the ground shaking my head as I thought back.
"Is it true?" He paused, looking at me as if searching for the answer before even fully asking the question. "That I made you relapse?" Frank spoke in a way where I knew he really didn't want to know the answer.
"No. You didn't make me do anything. I did that to myself." I spoke as emotionlessly as possible then shoved my hands into my pockets. I remember the night I first decided to drink myself to death in the charcoal crisp wilderness of our special place. I figured, why feel when I can drink and smoke?
No, the destruction of my kidneys was all on me.
"Gerard-"
"I'm not going to let you blame yourself!" I pressed annoyingly.
"Why not? I deserve it."
"No you don't. You said it yourself, it was a tough time. Besides, I'm no saint. I caused the break up in the first place, remember?" It internally pissed me off because all those times I've thought about giving him a piece of my mind have faded away. I couldn't truly be angry even if I tried.
"It was stupid of me to get upset over a tipsy kiss with Bert. I knew it didn't mean anything. You weren't in a sober set of mind."
"It didn't, but it wasn't stupid. I was you boyfriend. Also, the man tried to kill you..." I awkwardly trailed off. I almost forgot how fucked up my life was.
"That's better then you slowly killing yourself just because I got upset."
"Don't be dramatic." I mumbled. I'm not proud of my alcoholism and I honestly don't want him to know how pathetic I was.
"I know about the countless nights where you wondered the streets, booze in hand as your body slowly shut down. Two fucking years it took you to sober up. Two years of your life gone, because of me."
"It wasn't your fault." I repeated. Nothing he said was going to convince me otherwise.
"Mikey blames me." He stopped walking for a moment, eyes glued to the pavement.
"Mikey's upset because he doesn't know what to make of you and honestly, neither do I."
"I'm not asking you to forgive me. I don't deserve such a thing. Just understand that you are my weakness Gerard. You're something that has to exist in my life. You make me who I am. I just want to make you happy. Atone for everything I've done to you."
There are no words that can explain the love and hate I'm feeling for this one person.
"I'll respect if you don't want me apart of your life though." He added.
"I do. I don't know in what way, but I do."
"Do you need time to think?"
"I've had three years Frank." I scoffed and rolled my eyes then continued down the street.

Comment/vote if you liked it? Srry this took so long. Hope it's an okay chap.
~Kayla