We Are A Beautiful Disaster

Neverenders

Gerard pov

"Gerard are you fucking crazy?" Mikey fumed, starting his lecture as I remained trapped on the couch sinking into the cousins. "You can't just let him walk right back into our lives Gerard. I mean, doesn't bother you that he left you?!"
"Yes, but Mikey you have to understand that he's not the bad guy. It's not his fault I didn't handle the break up well..." I reason which only seemed to piss him off more.
"You're four years older yet still just as naive." He scoffed, a look of annoyance pulling his features down.
I'm going to pretend his statement didn't sting. I've always know Mikey was the more sensible and attentive one of the two of us, but he doesn't have to me a constant reminder.
"I know you blame him for everything that happened..." I began.
"How can I not?! A majority of it is his fault!" He paced back and fourth in front of me trying to blow off steam. "It's a load of bullshit Gerard!" I can't really complain, Mikey has faithfully been by my side ever since my relapse and I couldn't possibly ask for a better brother, but the way he's acting now isn't just because of Frank and I. Mikey may care, but he's not one to blow things to such proportion of it didn't have something to do with himself.
"Tell me this, are you upset because of him leaving and how I reacted or because of Pete? Please don't pretend this is all about me."
He stopped, looking so pissed off I thought he might hit me.
"It is all about you, Gerard! I don't give a rat's ass about Pete. We all could see Frank was more of a friend to him anyway."
"We both know that's a fucking lie. You have feelings for him!" I laughed, insolence shining through. He may be able to lie to himself, but he can't lie to me.
"Fuck you, Gerard. I'm actually worried about you! You're being stupid." I shot up from my seat and moved around Mikey, going towards the center of the room.
"And you're being a pessimist. Insulting me isn't going to change anything. I've made up my mind." I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.
He sighed, like he was finally giving up. "Don't you ever get tired of people leaving you?" His voice grew sullen, almost like he was talking about himself.
"I-"
There was a knock and I could hear Bob's muffled voice from the other side. Mikey went to open it, but he didn't look exactly happy with Bob's presence and frankly neither was I.
"What?" He spat.
"What's your problem, Mikey? I only came to see if Gerard's alright."
"He says he is. He's a little too alright if you ask me." Mikey has a point. I don't necessarily feel anything towards the situation. Everyone tells me I should be mad and upset like they are and I just don't feel it. I miss the negative aspects of the situation until Mikey points it out and drills it into my head.
I'm willing to forgive Frank one last time, yet nobody else is. They're afraid of what I'll do and they're afraid of trusting him.
I've been dealing with Frank's absence for too long and maybe if I just throw myself into the unknown it'll all work out, and if not, then I fucked up again and it'll probably leave me back at square one. I hate the fact that I'm willing to do that for him. What has he done for me other than break my heart?
Nothing...
Somehow that manages to feel like everything.
"So you're just gonna forgive him? All the nights with relapse filled thoughts and all the pain you felt has no consequence for him? Clean fucking slate?" Bob scoffed in disbelief. I could almost feel the jealousy radiating off him. "I mean, think about yourself for just one second, Gerard."
"I am thinking about myself."
"You're obviously not. You have to put into consideration how Frank makes you feel. How he's made you feel these past four years." There is a rollercoaster of emotions when it comes to Frank, I can't just focus on the one negative feeling because there's also the ones that are happy are equally as intense.
"Just because I don't have the same view as you doesn't mean I've pondered it any less."
"Fine. But what about us? What if this goes south. You really think you're gonna be okay?"
No.
"I don't know!"
"Well you need to fucking figure it out because I know I can't go though that again and if you ask me, neither can you!"
"Mikey-"
"I'm not gonna watch you fucking destroy yourself again, Gerard! I'm not- I can't! I'm not gonna sit here and experience me and everybody else try to stop you from killing yourself. It's not fair! You have any idea how terrifying it was for me?! The room went silent and I was unable to even breath. I just watched as Mikey's face tinted red and listened as his voice began to break and tears began to fall. "I-I never knew if you were gonna drink or overdose... I shouldn't have to constantly wonder if I saw my brother for the last time." His chest rose and fell as he inhale and exhaled deep breaths. His glassy eyed stare had me trapped and I felt my heart grow heavy with guilt and regret.
I felt myself blink and before I knew it, warm streaks of tears were running down my cheeks as well.
"I'm sorry." I breathed, voice quivering. I wiped my eyes in a desperate attempt to recover, but the tears continued to fall.
I didn't know what else to say. I was sorry. Sorry I made them worry, sorry I'm still in love with him, sorry I can't take care of myself. Mikey has been busy with college and I've never thought about how my troubles could be keeping him from his goals as a musician.
"I-I gotta go." Mikey's voice cracked and he ran a hand through his hair. He pushed past me then Bob, exiting with the door slamming shut behind him.
"I remember when Mikey used to never cry." My entire body felt deflated and tired even more than before.
"When was that?"
"High school. He hated me. I don't know whether we was ashamed or annoyed..." I shook my head at the memories. I felt my eyebrows furrow together in thought before I spoke aloud, "I don't think there was ever a time when I was fully capable of taking care of myself."
"You'll get there. I have no doubt in my mind. You're strong willed and smart." Bob rested a hand on my back and pushed me into a hug. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his somewhat erratic heartbeat.
I appreciate that he's always there to encourage me.
"Why does Mikey care so much? Wouldn't it just be easier for you all to just leave me? I hate being a burden."
"Your brother loves you! And it's not just him. Me, Lindsey, Ray even. We all love you. I think it frustrates us because we don't understand why you're willing to give that up for Frank. The guy who's been there the least for you." He pulled away and my eyes averted to the thin matted carpet. "Your choices won't change how much we care about you. Just don't let Frank be the one more thing you relapse for."
Bob left soon after that, and the urge to cry became more unavoidable as every minute passed. The apartment grew cold and I probably shouldn't turn the thermostat up anymore since I'm on the precipice of being completely broke. I turned on my shower and pulled off my work clothes before stepping in. I stood under the stream of hot water and rested my palms against the cold tile wall.

Hey I'm not dead! Sorry that I kinda left for four months! I'm planning on updating my other fics soon but who knos cuz skool started. Sorry for any errors. Thank you so much for 1k reads and for those who left comments and didn't give up on meh. I love u lol
Question: Rikey or Petekey?
~Kayla