Gerard pov
It was pretty late, 11pm perhaps. Bob was watching a rerun of some show that he wasn't really that interested in.
I kept staring off into space deep in thought before getting my grasp back on reality only for the process to reoccur.
In my peripheral vision, I could see him glancing over at me every few minutes. I felt slightly uncomfortable as anxiety built in my stomach and millions of theories as to why he's looking at me occupied my mind. Suddenly, he switched the Tv off and turned toward me.
Confusion took over, though I still devoting my undivided attention.
"I wanted to talk. If that's okay with you?" He asked rather shyly.
"Uh Sure what's up?" The irresolute tone in my voice was blatantly discrete, and I felt my teeth capture my bottom lip as I avoided his sky like blue eyes.
"I-uh what's been going on with you lately?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been acting different. Ever since yesterday afternoon. Y-you've seemed anxious." Bob spoke reticently or as if he was guilty of something trivial. I think he feels like he has no place in my business. As a friend he does, but he just doesn't want to pry.
I appreciate his concern, I just don't desire to talk about the stresses continuously preoccupying my thoughts. Frank's sudden reappearance is something I must to deal with independently. I'll become an emotional mess if I don't.
"Bob, I've just been tired. I know it's been affecting my work performances and-"
"To hell with work! Gerard come on. Please don't pull that tired shit on me again. There's a difference between that, and being actually troubled with something." He opined with vexation.
I reached up to run a hand over my eyes and down my face stressfully. I inhaled a breath to speak, but no seemingly appropriate words came to mind.
"I don't know if your reasoning for not telling me is because you think it's none of my business, or you're scared. I'm here for you, Gerard. I'm your friend."
"I know. I just don't think you'll understand."
"There is a pretty big chance I will. Most situations I find myself in are quite relatable; why would you be any different?"
Because I am capable of emotionally collapsing just like I have on numerous occasions.
"I'm not. I just didn't want to talk about it." I whined.
"You're gonna have to talk about it at some point. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away Gerard. If anything, it will all build up until something happens, and you get fucking hurt. Please." I was taken back by his sudden impassion. He sounded as if he learned from a past experience. It peaked my curiosity towards what has happened since we graduated high school and unfortunately misplaced our friendship five years ago.
"I'm not ignoring anything. I'm avoiding it." I stated quietly because I knew he made a somewhat valid argument.
"Same thing-"
"No. I'm trying to stay away from him, not act like he doesn't exist." I argued.
"This is about someone." Fuck Bob and his immediate observations.
"Kinda. I-It's not the easiest thing to talk about." I mumbled realizing what I said him.
"Take your time. We've got all night."
I suddenly regret saying I'd stay over.
I felt my lips frown slightly. "You can't stay awake that long." I searched for an excuse, sounding almost too enthusiastic speaking it.
"I would for you. This is important. Now stop changing the subject."
My mouth snapped shut, and my lips pressed into a line as I felt my cheeks burn at his determination.
Though, I am annoyed at how relentless he is being; it's nice to have someone other than my brother care about me. It's been awhile.
I suddenly felt fearful. I haven't had anyone close to me since Frank, and I don't want to lean on another crutch of empty promises. My heart is still wounded from broken trust, and I never perceived how severely until this moment.
Bob is different. If there is a God out there, I'm begging you, don't let this be a lie.
I inhaled, though my anxiety was creating an allusion making it seem difficult to breathe or even think.
Disregarding any remaining reluctance, I spoke.
"I don't know. I-I feel like my life is just starting to become moderately normal again. I've got a job, an apartment, you, but I have this fucking awful feeling like something's gonna come into my life and fuck it all up again."
"Do you know what that something is?"
"Yes. Someone." I admitted.
"Who?" Bob pushed.
Silence fell among us as I decided how to start the avalanche of melodramatic emotions.
"His name is Frank Iero, and he strapped me tight into this roller coaster that is my life. He broke my heart, my trust, then stole my sanity. I can't fully blame him, you know? It's my fault for giving him so much of me mentally and emotionally. It was very naive of me, but that's what your first love is; A huge ass joke founded off of ignorance and gullibility. You think it'll go somewhere, and that you have this great future when really they are just unintentionally using each other. Doesn't that suck?" My filter was completely gone and the words that spilled from my mouth made my heart heavy.
"Gerard. Not all first relationships are like that." Bob murmured.
"I didn't say first relationships. You can have relationship and not love the person. I said first love. There is no doubt in my mind that I loved Frank. I know now that he never truly felt the same, but that's okay. One sided relationships are not uncommon. People are just too deep into denial to accept that."
Bob started with a blank expression, lips slightly parted. He wasn't prepared for my rant, quite frankly, neither was I though it felt kinda nice.
"You don't know how Frank felt." His statement was cast into the air for me to deny almost right after.
"You don't understand. The way we broke up-" I stopped unable to finish my sentence. "He left my life entirely without hesitation. I thought he was never coming back. I wasted over a year being a complete wreck. I felt alone-unwanted. What's the point of living if the only people who gave a shit was your mom and brother?"
I looked up at Bob, desperately searching his eyes for some kind of sign as to what he was thinking in that odd yet mature head of his. I couldn't cipher it. So I continued, "and now Frank is back, and I fear he wants to talk to me. I know I can't handle that. I'm not prepared for whatever the hell he has to say to me. I'm scared that just seeing him again is going to mess me up. I don't want to start over; I can't do it again-I won't." My voice began to tremble and I hadn't realized how upset I got. Looking down, frantically blinking away the tears that blurred my vision I sniffled hoping it wasn't as loud as it felt.
"Unfortunately, you can't avoid him forever, especially not in this fucking town. Even if Frank wants to talk, you don't have to handle the emotional aftermath alone. Not only do you have your family, but you have me. I swear.
Bob reached out and placed a hand on mine.
Despite my efforts, I felt warm tears trail down my cheeks. Bob rested a hand flat against my face and wiped my tears way with his thumb.
"It'll all be okay Gerard." His eyes burned deeply into mine and I absorbed his reassuring words like a sponge in water. My heart trusted him in this state of desperation. For a moment, I felt like Frank didn't matter and all my worries were inexistent.
Bob's gaze fell to my lips, then back up to my eyes. My irrationally beating heart seemed to stop in my chest. I knew he wanted to, but was too hesitant. Without another thought, I leaned in and connected my lips to his.
My eyes fluttered shut as relief radiated through my body, and I knew I would become addicted to the weightless feeling.
I pulled away terrified. What am I doing? Am I asking to be broken again?! My mouth fell agape as I struggled to find words.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that!" I felt panic build in my chest, and I had the urge to cry harder.
"Gerard it's okay."
"No, I-I kissed you." I stuttered, taking blame for my foolish action.
"Do you regret it?" He added slowly, like he scared of my answer. I didn't even know my answer.
"Bob, I can't do this. I can't afford to mess up again. I-I'm sorry-" I stood up to leave, but I felt him grip my arm, cold fingers pressing against the warm inner part of my arm. I looked toward him with burning regret in my eyes. He stared back with wide apologetic eyes.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, Gerard." He stood up as well, still holding grasping arm.
I knew he wasn't trying to, I'm probably hurting him right now instead.
I yanked my arm free, unable to face him any longer. I exited Bob's apartment into the night. I got into my car slamming the door shut behind me. I sat in the driver's seat, my heart racing and my brain in a disastrous state.
"Fuck!" I screamed hitting the steering wheel. I broke down into loud hysterical sobs, and I covered my face with my hands.
I fucked up. Bob probably hates me now. Goddamn it! Why did I have to act so idiotically. I'm so fucking stupid.
I somewhat collected myself before starting my car and driving home.
Late merry Christmas guys! Or whatever you celebrate. Thanks for reading. Comment/vote if you like the story.
~Kayla
YOU ARE READING
We Are A Beautiful Disaster
Fanfiction'What Are We' sequel. They say you never forget your first love. For Gerard, there was never a more true statement. His past mistakes led him to the life he has now. Gerard spends most of his time alone. Working day and night to distract himself fro...
