Pain Kink | lrh

xiv

chapter fourteen:
too far

My eyes feel dry and burn as I blink. As the credits roll on what feels like the hundredth episode I've watched in a row, I pause netflix and sit up on my couch.

I cringe as the alarm I forgot I had set on my phone starts to blare.

9:00 am

As much as I hated the fact that I didn't sleep, I realized my body was probably well rested from the long nap I took at Luke's.

Luke.

My eyes start to water, and my body feels tense. I quickly stand up and walk into the kitchen, trying to distract myself. I grab a white coffee mug out of the sink and wipe it down with a hand towel. I lean against the counter biting my thumbnail as I wait for the keurig to finish pouring my coffee.

As I pick up the fresh coffee and turn to the living room, a hard knock interrupts my peace. I stop immediately, holding the mug frozen at my mouth nervously with both hands. The knock comes again followed by a voice.

"River, open up." I wince at the sound, setting my coffee on the counter in fear of dropping it. I reach up and cover my mouth with my hand as he knocks again.

"River, please. I need to talk." I close my eyes, failing to keep myself from crying. As he starts the knocks again I sigh and walk towards the door.

"Go away, Luke." The knocking stops harshly, and I hear him sigh.

"River, baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." I turn around, chewing on my thumbnail again. "I fucked up, I know I did. I shouldn't have been like that with you, I didn't think it through. I was so drunk and I think I took some sort of fucking pills I don't even know." I open my mouth to shut him up, but I don't even know what to say.

"And I know that's no excuse, I know. I think I just get confused. I have this.. River, I have this urge to hurt people. I fucking get off to thought of people in pain, how fucked up is that?" My heart sinks, part of me is afraid while the other part feels sympathy for him. He sounds so upset, so angry with himself.

"And sometimes it's almost impossible for me to know if it's right or wrong. I forget where I am and who I'm with and I just snap." I take a deep breath and slowly unlock and open the door. I crack it and look through, my heart sinks even lower when I see Luke standing there with red cheeks and puffy eyes.

"River." I open the door more, and motion for him to come in. My mind can't decide if i'm making a good decision, or if i'm putting myself in danger.

"Would you like some coffee?" I mumble, walking into the kitchen after shutting the door.

"Um, yes please." He stays a good distance away from me as I make him a mug. The silence is painfully awkward as I watch the coffee drip from the machine. When it finishes, I pick it up and slowly walk towards him, trying not to flinch as he takes it from me.

"Thank you." His voice is quiet and raspy, cracking softly. I grab my mug and sit down on my couch, placing a pillow beside me and hoping he understands that I want him sitting as far from me as possible.

We sit on opposite ends of my couch, drinking our coffee in almost complete silence. My heart beats so hard and loud I'm almost afraid that he can hear it.

"River-" He breaks the silence after i've almost finished my coffee, and I'm quick to interrupt him.

"I understand." His head snaps up and he squints his eyes at me, most likely confused. "I'm not going to say it's okay, or that I can just forget it and move on because I don't know if I can. But I do understand, Luke. I know what it's like to do harmful things and feel like you have no control over it." My eyes water as I think about the things i've done to myself in moment that I wish I could've had more control over my thoughts and actions. As I'm thinking and talking to Luke, my mind runs so fast and my chest twists as different thoughts and ideas stick out.

I look over and stare at him, watching as he rubs his still puffy eyes. A single thought is aggressively invading my mind, despite my desperate attempt to push it away.

"I'm so sorry, River. I don't know why I-" He takes in a sharp deep breath before setting his mug down and placing his head in his hands.

I slowly move the pillow to the floor and slide closer to him. My left hand holds my coffee mug as my shaky right hand reaches over and rests on his shoulder.

"Luke," I take a moment to catch my breath, fearful of his response to my next comment. "I'm sure you've noticed.. I have a.. Well I dunno exactly, it's just that.. Pain.." I frustratedly slam my coffee mug onto my coffee table, causing Luke to look up at me.

"Luke, I like pain." I widen my eyes and feel so nervous I think I could actually vomit. "I like it, and I'm sure you've seen signs of that. And I wanna help you, I want to be able to help you have a way of relieving this... your urge."

His lips part, and I quickly continue before he thinks that's all I have to say.

"But," I run a hand through my hair while I chew on my other thumbnail. "I'm scared of you, I think. Scared that you'll take it too far." He waits a moment as I stare over at him biting my bottom lip in nervousness.

"River, I don't want to scare you." He looks hurt, his eyes don't look up from the ground.

"I know." I mumble softly, closing my eyes in regret.

"River, I feel so strongly for you. I want to make you happy, I want to be close to you. But I don't know how to control myself, I don't know how to not hurt you." I move closer to him again, still feeling afraid to be near him but knowing that he needs the comfort.

"I want to make you happy too, Luke. I want to be around you all the fucking time-" I barely catch the soft mumble of 'don't curse', and fight the urge to sass him. "but we have to be able to handle the dark parts. And if I'm being honest, I think I need a little break before I can face that." He nods with his eyes screwed shut. I take a sharp breath as he gets up and walks towards the door.

"I'll give you all the time you need, you know where to find me." I look up at him and offer a small smile, before he turns and leaves my apartment without another word.

word count: 1209
hi hi hi i'm in a writing mood, let's hope it sticks. i love you guys.