What I Expect

The Book Conversation

Akefia's door is closed. I knock and hear some rummaging inside before the door opens just enough for him to stick his head out. He looks around before his eyes finally land on me. "What do you want?" he asks, expressionless. I gulp, realising asking him this soon after what happened might not be a great idea. His bedroom smells musty and his eyes look red around the rims. Has he been crying? That or he just woke up but it's late afternoon and even Akefia tends to get up before now. No, I have it. He's hungover from last night. We were both so drunk but I somehow feel bad. I would never take advantage of him but the though lingers in my mind that I did exactly that.

"Um, I was wondering... if you didn't want to spend New Year's here we could go to the motorbike track to celebrate," I offer, staring down at my feet. This feels so humbling no wonder it made Akefia awkward. Asking people out is terrifying because there's always that fear of rejection no matter what. My heart feels like it's racing its own motorbike round the track and my hands shake. I shove them in my jakcet pockets to hide my nerves. "Mai can get us in for free, and we could have a friendly race. We're both beginners anyway and it'll just be fun. What do you think?"

My voice falters at the end and I don't feel any less anxious having let it out. His door opens fully and he walks back in. I should have framed it as an offer, I don't want him to feel any pressure to say yes. I follow him into the darkness of his bedroom, his curtains closed to block out all the light. I look at the bed, sheet still out of place from our activities. Akefia sits on the edge of the bed in a wide stance and hangs his arms between his legs in loose pyjama pants. "If you can't pay for a date, you could have asked me. I don't mind doing that,"

"I know and - believe me - I'm grateful. But I don't feel good when you keep paying for dates with me, it makes it feel unequal and I can't relax. I'd rather we just went somewhere and didn't have to worry about that. Is that okay?"

"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt like that," he frowns up at me. "Yeah, we can go to the track. But let me buy you a milkshake when we're there? I mean, you're getting me a free motorbike lesson,"

"Hm, okay that's a good deal," I agree with a grin, reaching out and shaking his hand. Okay, he agreed to come on a date with me even after I called it a date. Does that mean he wants to be 'together' after all? I'm getting ahead of myself. I know when that happens because I start asking myself questions internally and then mentally answering them. "Ugh, I have to find out what I'm going to wear, this is so exciting!" I squeal.

"Ugh," he mimics. "You're such a pansy,"

I roll my eyes at his grumpiness. Let me be excited! Just because you're an unemotional twat doesn't mean I don't get to express myself when I'm genuinely looking forward to something. I'm hyped and already texting Mai to plan it out. "Does tomorrow work for you?"

Akefia gestures around his mess of a bedroom that reflects no work, hobbies or productivity. "Uh, yeah," he states the obvious. Yeah, I know you aren't busy I was just asking to be polite. You could have been doing something with Melvin or Bakura. I sit at his desk, spinning in the chair a little. I shouldn't be too hard on him, he's probably going through a lot too with what happened last night. I've barely processed it myself. Plus his hangover must be irritating his already rough personality.

"Can we put the light on?" I ask. I want to see him at least.

Something unexpected happens. When I ask that he looks up at me with such vulnerability. He bites his lip and stares uncomprehendingly into my eyes. He's silent. I know what this is, the atypical symptoms of a panic or anxiety attack. If I know Akefia it's a panic attack so I stand up, walking to the wall away from his bed. His panic attacks aren't usually like this. There's usually a lot of thrashing and screaming and tugging at his hair.

This time it's so quiet. "Akefia," I speak quietly. I don't know if he can hear me until his eyes snap over and meet mine. Not making real eye contact but just starting into them as if I'm a mirage. "This is a panic attack. It's only temporary, you can get through it," I don't tell him to breathe, he's already doing that manually. He has much better control over his attacks than I do and I don't know how to feel about that.

"Go away," he says in a strained voice. I leave but only to the bathroom to quickly get him water and return. You're not supposed to leave someone alone in that state but I feel like this is the only helpful thing I can do for him. I bring it back and hand it to him. Shakily he drinks.

"There we go," I move back again, giving him as much space as possible. I think we need to ride this out. "What are you reacting to?" I ask. I don't think he can speak but it's worth a try. I need to know if this is PTSD. I've suspected it for a while and not least because Akefia has a long ass scar.

"I don't want the light on," he tells me. "I don't want you to see me,"

Oh, he means be able to see him. Be vulnerable and exposed before me after last night. This side of him is so different to the one I'm used to. I've seen his vulnerabilities before in how introverted he is and his procrastination. His utter inability to speak to people without insulting them. But this is a new intensity, a new part of him to explore. There are so many different aspects to Akefia's personality that make me realise I had him all wrong when we met. He's just a scared broken person wandering around this lonely world seemingly without hope.

I pick up a book shoved into the corner of his floor and stare at the cover. Vetruvious' The Ten Books on Architecture. Sitting back down I read it aloud in my soothing voice over maybe 15 minutes. Just starting from the very beginning of the reference book and reciting every word verbatim. It's so boring but it's calming and I can feel it putting me to sleep. I look up and Akefia's eyes are closed, he's swaying slightly on the end of the bed. I snap the book closed and it snaps him into reality.

"You scared me," I admonish jokingly.

Akefia looks at me, embarrassed. I put his book back in its place and realise this is another thing that happens in the moment but that we can't talk about afterwards. I don't mind this one so much. I have anxiety, he has panic disorder and maybe PTSD. We help each other and that's the extent of it. It isn't made a big deal in our relationship and that's fine. Helpful even.

I move to sit beside him, ensuring he'll be comfortable now. "Can I touch you?" I ask and he nods. I lean against him, using him as a beam to support me as I nuzzle my head into his nape. Hmm warm. I think about random shit while we sit here together. I'm going for a run tomorrow, I want my legs to be more toned. I hope Akefia notices, I want to impress him on our date. I would do anything to impress him and screw the consequences. I'd rob a bank to impress him, burn down the university - I don't know. Whatever he wanted.

"Hey Marik?"

"Hm?"

"What are you thinking ? You're always in your head," he asks curiously. I feel like having some fun.

"I was thinking about us in 69 years time as an old married couple, me reading you the Financial Times and relaxing in wicker armchairs,"

"Nah, you'd just get louder and more annoying with age," Akefia contradicts with a smile. "I'd be having tea and toast on a lazy Sunday morning and you'd bounce in... 'KEFIIII! I want to feel young and sexy again, fuck me on the roof of the stadium you designed'!"

"Pfft that is so not me," it's entirely me. He's figured it out. I'm just happy he didn't question me over the 'married couple' aspect. I was sure he'd object even if it's a joke. "Is that what you want to do - design stadiums?"

"Fuck if I know," there's that mask of indifference again. I wanna crack his head open like a coconut. You aren't fooling anyone. I'll figure you out Akefia or die trying.