What I Expect

Ruined by a Kiss

I slept like a log last night after jerking off in my covers. Although I didn't dream and I usually do. This morning when I awoke I awoke lonely and cold, missing the feeling of another body beside mine. I stare at the disgustingly spring clean white crisp bedsheets stretched across my mattress and feel like retching. I hate this room. Akefia's room is better. I lift my blond bedhead when I hear someone knocking on the wooden door. "Come in!" I call, rubbing my eyes and realising that I never wiped my makeup off from yesterday. Black splodges are dotted across my pillows and sheets. They make my bed look like a marble art piece which I enjoy, it alleviates the bleakness of this entire room.

Akefia wanders in with a tray, I recognise it from my first morning here when Sugoroku made me breakfast. On this tray is yoghurt with blueberries, breakfast biscuits and a glass of water to wake me up. My mouth is dry, I go for the water. Akefia sits on the side of my bed. "I don't think I've ever been in this room," he states in a disappointed voice. "With how you are I was expecting something more... shiny,"

"Blame the lack of clever décor on the fact that I don't get paid,"

"Oh yeah," he hums with a laugh and I glare playfully. The water he brought does its job but I still feel fuzzy, fumbling with the biscuits to scoop up my yoghurt like a drunkard. I'm too rough and my biscuit breaks. I groan.

"Ugh, I hate myself. What time did I even fall asleep?" what time is it now?

"Well you went to your room at like... midnight... or something," Akefia shrugs. "Fuck if I know when you fell asleep,"

"Oh, I have lectures!" I spring into a sitting position, running around frantically for my clothes. Akefia must see the remnants of last night on my boxers but doesn't say anything.

"Don't worry, it doesn't matter. You get all the material online anyway," he reasons. Maybe he can learn that way but it's better for me if I go somewhere and actually have a class with a teacher in a classroom. Otherwise I feel lazy and unproductive and I likely won't put as much effort into the course. I don't know why I have to learn like that, maybe it's having too many distractions at home. Like Akefia.

"I go to lectures unlike you," I roll my eyes and quickly tie the laces to my sandy shoes. They're getting worn but I can't afford new ones anyway. Maybe I'll save up tips and go to a thrift store.

"I can learn fine on my own," he contradicts, actually taking what I said personally. I didn't mean it like that but I know he's somewhat insecure academically.

"I know, just joking," I mumble, feeling some discomfort with him today. He's still mad at me about asking him a question last night, but honestly I don't think he's justified in that. I didn't really do anything to warrant this and it's so frustrating to feel judged when it's his problem that he doesn't like talking to me about it. It feels like he's treating me like my father did - taking his issues out on me. He brought me breakfast though, maybe he's actually acting totally normally and I'm just too tired to function.

Throwing my bag over my shoulder that I can only hope has everything in it, I give Akefia a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for breakfast," I dunk the second biscuit into the yoghurt, getting a big scoop of blueberries too to eat on the way. I hold it in my mouth as I go downstairs, holding the banister on each side of me with my arms wide. These stairs are rickety and shabbier than the ones on the first floor. Or maybe I'm paranoid.

I'm definitely paranoid.

On the walk I call Ishizu. The time zones are a bit messed up and she's going to bed but still makes time to talk to me. She's enjoying the freedom of supported accommodation more than being at the hospital and has learned a lot more skills to take care of herself like cleaning and using the kitchen. The hospital used to do cooking groups with us when we'd learn to make coffee in machines, boil eggs, the basics to prepare us for independent living.