Returning To Loving You

Deception of the Despicable

Cody's eyes seemed much larger in the dark of the plane. The only light was coming from underneath the door, and the glow was a florescent yellow that illuminated only the outline of each shape. Except I swear to the lords above that I could see every fracture and spec of color in Cody's eyes. He was waiting for me to talk.

"I, uh.... how's your hand?"

Cody looked down at his bandaged hand as if he was only now reminded of it.

"It'll be better by tomorrow" he whispered, setting both of his hands in his lap.

I hummed in response and tried to figure out what the hell I was going to say to him.

"Noah, you know you don't owe me anything. Not an apology or an explanation or whatever. I feel really bad about everything, because I kinda sucked at the relationship thing"

He looked down while saying this, as if meeting my eyes was too overwhelming. He was picking at a loose thread on his shorts, which was getting longer every time he twirled it.

"No, Cody, that's not true. You were great, you were everything I wanted you to be, and so much more. I was just stubborn"

Earlier, it felt cold, but now the plane seemed to be boiling and suddenly my sweater vest was like an anaconda squeezing me to death.

"I don't, er, I'm not sure if..." he stuttered. I kept my full attention on his thin frame. His twiddling thumbs (well, thumb), his one bouncing knee, his tensed shoulders.

"Mmhmm?" I hummed, starting to get that feeling in my stomach where it feels like it's being squeezed.

"Well, maybe I wasn't ready for the whole gay thing"

My stomach descended down toward my feet, and then hurdled to the ground from 31,000 feet in the air.

"What?"

His eyes still wouldn't meet mine.

"I don't know, maybe it was just too much pressure. Before you I never even considered liking a guy, and maybe I was just into you because I was hurt from Gwen and you were right there, and it seemed right at the time, but it doesn't really make sense to me now. I'm so sorry"

His once bright and brilliant eyes were bow glazed over and hard to see. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"But you seemed so upset about it back during season two" I said, my throat nearly failing to let the words past my lips.

"I know, I guess I was upset about losing a friend. Just maybe not the boyfriend part"

Now the only part of his eyes I could see was the sliver of light reflected off his irises. There was no color to it.

"I see. Well I'm sorry" I said curtly, trying to keep my voice from cracking. It's been years since my voice changed, yet suddenly I seemed to have no control over it, like I was 13 again.

"No, it's really really not your fault. Which is why I didn't want you apologizing to me. Anyway, I better go to sleep because I'm thinking I might be the one being voted off. Goodnight Noah.

"Goodnight" I said quietly, and I scooted myself back up against my side of the plane.

And then, before I could help it, a salty tear rolled down my cheek and dripped off my chin onto the floor of the plane.

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Owen was the first and only person to notice something was wrong. It took every particle of willpower I had in my scrawny body to not let my pain be shown, especially on camera. Which was supremely difficult, especially when Owen whispered "Dude, what's wrong with you?" during the show. The cameras didn't catch it, but a small part of me believes that Alejandro might've.