Returning To Loving You

I Don't Want To Be Famous

Perhaps it was for the better I wasn't shipped back onto the show. There were plenty of reasons to celebrate getting to stay safely and almost comfortably at the motel for the rest of the season, but there was that piece of me that was obsessing over my lack of closure with Cody. As the weeks went on, I found less ways that he was at fault, and more ways that I was. Maybe this goddamn atmosphere was getting to me; this waiting around for the season to end and something to happen. Time meant nothing to me anymore, I found myself rereading the same four books over and over, and Trent, Justin, Tyler, and I ran out of things to talk about it. Our conversations were just as empty as the rest of the time spent at this shitty motel. My mind and body had created a routine of mundanity and hollowness, which is something I had never been forced to experience before.

But my saving grace was when things started picking up around the motel. The whole lot of us packed into the sad little game room, turned on the television, and braced ourselves to witness the most anxiety-inducing, exciting episode of Total Drama World Tour yet. This was the night the final three would be revealed.

It was selfish of me, yes, but I was hoping that Cody would get the fourth place and get eliminated. The sooner I was able to talk with him and get our situation at least somewhat wrapped up, the sooner I could begin to repair my psyche and begin to build back the sturdy walls I possessed before I was on Total Drama, and before I had met Cody Anderson.

So there were 19 of us, all of Total Drama's previous losers (except Blaineley who had suspiciously disappeared not too long after her elimination, and Ezekiel of course, which wasn'ta huge loss), were sat in the game room, waiting for Total Drama World Tour to come on the air.

Tensions were high in the Failure Hotel right now. Courtney and Gwen were either constantly at each others throats, or botching about the other to whoever dared to step within earshot. Things had not been any easier since Duncan returned last week, and I have to say, any shred of respect I had for Gwen disintegrated after the whole Duncan fiasco.

But they weren't the only problem.

There was still an obnoxious amount of romantic tension between Trent and Justin, which I had given up on ever being resolved. If Justin wasn't such a pussy and Trent wasn't so dense maybe it would've worked out for them, but they seemed equally stubborn in their ways that I had given up on waiting for some drama between them.

Not to mention there was Owen and Izzy who weren't together anymore, but they weren't not together either, which upset me for an inexplicable reason. Harold and LeShawna were in a similar boat, where they both seemed interested in the other, but LeShawna didn't seem interested in acting upon it. Tyler and Lindsay had almost completely burned out by this point (with the occasional makeout sessio). He didn't talk much about it, but my guess was that she couldn't keep her brain on for long enough to remember who he was.

If I'm being candid, the drama happening here in Loserville was far more entertaining than what was happening on screen. Although, everything going on here seemed a lot more real and disheartening, which I suppose wouldn't make for great TV.

So, now that we're caught up, we can focus on the present.

Now 19 seventeen year olds might not sound like a lot, but let me tell you, combined into a small space and each one insisting on talking over the rest, it really adds up. It didn't help that I didn't really want to be there. The only thing that was keeping me squeezed between Trent and Tyler was the slight chance of Cody making it into the semifinals. That, and the firm grip Trent had on my arm so that I couldn't leave if I wanted to.

"I'm sick of watching Alejandro, dude needs to leave" Tyler muttered as the theme song started.

I hummed in agreement. Alejandro was wasting such a gorgeous face on an unbelievably shitty personality. I, myself have the opposite problem.

Drumheller. That's all they could come up with? Makes me glad I wasn't still stuck on the show. Although Cody was there, so maybe it wasn't all bad.

Admittedly, I tuned out early on in the episode. My eyes would refocus if I caught a smudge of brunette hair or the sound of a brassy, childish voice. Something I hadn't caught, and shout out to Trent for repeating it for me to hear, was that it was Cody's birthday. Why hadn't I known that? Or maybe i did know and just couldn't remember. Either way, I felt like a terrible ex-boyfriend thinking about it.

What shook me nearly as much was that it was already April. How long had I been with Total Drama now? Almost two years. That stuck with me as a shrill reminder of what I was giving up, being with this show. I'm seventeen, have barely been keeping up with school through an online course that I do maybe once a month. I'm one of the few of us who haven't dropped out.

When I sent in my audition for Total Drama Island, almost two years ago, I hadn't expected it to consume my whole academic career. Not to mention I've lost touch with most of my friends back home, I haven't talked to either of my parents in months (another reason to feel guilty), and my hope of getting into a good university was a worthless pipedream. And to top it all off, I will always be known as Noah Sterecra, the nasally gay kid from that reality show. I had spent my life trying so hard to become Noah Stereca, the nasally gay kid from Harvard. Fat chance of that now, I suppose.

"You look sick" Justin muttered to me from his seat on the the other side of Trent. At first I thought it was one of his well-intended yet unwelcome comments about my dry skin, but he looked concerned.

"Do I?" I asked, trying not to let my guilt drip into my voice.

"Yeah man, you're kinda green. And looking kinda flaky"

Nice.

"It must've been those Doritos I had earlier" I said.

He shrugged it off and went back to pretending to watch the show, while casting not so subtle glances at Trent. Man, they were worse than Alejandro and Heather.

During the commercial break, I went back to my room to get my water bottle. I took a drink of water, took a deep breath, and trying to shake my oversized load.

Before going back to the game room, I found a pen and scribbled on a napkin:

Get b-day present for Cody

Feeling better and less guilty, I went to reclaim my spot on the long sofa and finish the episode.

I had fallen asleep, but I woke up to a loud chant full of mismatched voices.

"What the hell?" I asked, because clearly I missed something.

"Sierra just blew up Chris's plane!" Trent cheered excited.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head.

"Jesus, she did?"

Maybe I didn't give that girl enough credit. 

"I mean, it was an accident. But still"

Well, maybe she's got plenty credit. I missed the details, but McLean must've been pretty pissed off, because the next thing I saw was Sierra (who was now charred and bald) being eliminated.

Sure, I felt bad for her. She was clearly injured, physically and emotionally. But I was ecstatic.

Cody made it to the final three.