Secret Agent (Jhope X reader)

Chapter 14- A World I Dare to Go

Chapter 14 - A world I dare to go

His words echoed through my head. I dare. "I dare to go into your world" he spoke again, his voice was soft but firm, no trace of doubt. "I'm scared" I whisper, I had been in many situations, lost many colleagues, faced many unknowns, but in this moment, I felt truly scared. "I'm right here... all you have to do.. is let me in" his voice was so calming and warm, I melted into it. We just stared out at the world as I lightly leaned closer to him. I let what felt like eternity pass by before my mouth, of its own accord, moved. "I was young. Too young" my voice was unusually quiet but it had .. emotion ... "The youngest in the service to be recruited. I was trained from the day arrived.. it's .. different .. lonely I guess .. there's just this overhanging thing you know you can't share with anyone and that's before I was actually an active operative" as the city lights move it reminds me of London, taking me back to when I used to look out of my window there and think about the world. "I was partnered with this guy-jinhyun- a senior operative, he was a little older than me but we got along. He was the first person I went on a mission with and we just complimented each other you know?" I look around the view a little, all my old memories, feelings, coming back. "We were so incredibly different that we fitted almost perfectly."

"After some time we were split up, I was allowed to finally work alone and he went back to normal, that's when we become friends. Started seeing each other outside of work. It was just easy.. easy to be with him... i made other friends, friends who weren't even in the service but it never lasted .. they never understood .. jinhyun did though. He was someone you could hang out with and he'd ask no questions. He just knew what was going. We'd lie in bed together- just side by side nothing happened between us- and sometimes just sit in silence. Letting the warmth comfort one another" I smile, it was such a time to be alive, I felt the same happiness and comfort as I used too when I spoke. I felt warm and my cheeks were hot. "Shortly after that I met Zo, she was unbelievably weak and shy, and she trembled whenever you brought a weapon near her- the worlds worst liar and barely able to keep anything to herself. But she learnt, she grew into who she is now. Once we got her a computer that is- from then on she just thrived. There was nothing she couldn't do and we .. we worked together all the time .. she was just so easy to trust" I smile, I loved that girl. "But it wasn't until a lot later that we really became friends"

My stomach was beginning to swirl. The more I thought about everything the more sad memories, as well as happy ones, came back. "The service is like a family, you become very close with people of similar rank or age to you, the people who understand what you're doing and don't expect you to be anything more than you are. They understand the quietness when you return. Or the isolation or the unreliability of your presence without an explanation. They offer a relatable-ness when you can share things and it's just safe. So .. when you lose colleagues, friends .. family .. it's never easy.. but you have to move on. No grieving. No tears. Just the next job... " I look down towards my feet and the lower window "and I lost many colleagues .. Many .." It was always hard to know someone wasn't coming home, to know their family would be devastated, to know you never got to say goodbye. But you move on nevertheless. Time passed with the same cycle, jobs, loss, free time, and on and on. My
Missions got gradually more high ranked as did I. Jinhyun and I became closer than ever, we spent every spare second together, he had clothes in my wardrobe and a toothbrush by my sink. He was my safe space and I was his.. then we lost some .. really important people .."

I sigh as I hear the sirens again, the voices and the panic. "An attack in London hit the building the top handlers, the people we all trusted with our lives with, were meeting in. We lost so many the service was shaken, went into lockdown.. hid every single agent away until it seemed to disappear completely..."
My voice cracked a little since it was a shocking time, one I remember vividly and it was just so unbelievable- everyone felt lost. I hadn't even realised that hoseok and I had moved closer, his arm around my back holding my close to his side. "I think it was then .. it was then that jinhyun and I crossed that barrier. We moved in together, we just got closer still, understood each other and it was just fun. Fun and safe with him. And maybe .. maybe it could of been more than friends" I mumble the last part,
Just loud enough for him to hear. "What ... what happened ..?" Hoseok asks gently, rubbing my arms up and down. "I had an ordinary mission .. and he accompanied in a section of it.. and .. and .." I struggled to find the correct words. "And my investigation led me to him .. I was confused .. "
I stare at the city, my voice breaking as tears filled my eyes. "I couldn't understand .. .. understand why he would hold a gun to my head"

I felt hoseoks arm tighten around me. "Or why he would pull the trigger" "he shot you..?" He tried not to act surprised as I moved my hair out the way, showing him the scar on my neck. "Unfortunately his shooting was weak and although it blew a hole in my neck it missed my main arteries and veins so .. with lots of recovery and emergency surgery's I was fine"
I sigh as his eyes gaze over my neck, I could feel the same broken feeling in my heart now as I did those years ago when jinhyun turned on me. "From then on it was different .. I never understood why no one caught him. No one even suspected him and it crushed me .. I'd let him in and he tried to kill me. And that's just how it continued. Zo was the only person I turned too, or more like she forced me to turn to her. We became close, we smashed our missions and just continued succeeding higher and higher, taking on more and more. I blocked him out until I had to met him again. Rome-Athens-Moscow-Warsaw-Berlin-China were our frequent encounters. And finally Paris.. the day I should of lost my life"
I close my eyes painfully, I couldn't bare to look at the city any longer. Hoseok pulled me closer as I tried to relax my body. "We were both in bad shape, but I was worse off. Stab wounds. Bullet wounds. Were  just the start of our injuries, my shot is better than his so I left more damage until his knife took play and that left me weak. I've lost count of  how many times he's held a gun to my head but this time it didn't miss"

I lift my fringe off my face to show a scar on my head. "He always threatened, but saved my life. His aim was bad, so the bullet skimmed my head, my worse injury, I was paralysed for nearly a year and had to retrain my body to do everything. I had Memory loss but luckily I regained it.. it .. it was bad ... my own best friend .. I felt .. so .. betrayed .. broken .. something I can't run away from .. something that follows me everywhere .. and it hurts .. even now it makes my heart cry out in fear... I'd never been so lied too .. so deeply lied too.. it made me question everything after Paris .. everything .. because that's when I found out how fake every single thing had been. His likes, dislikes, hobbies .. even tastes .. were all made up.." I gulp as tears begin slipping down my face. "Even his name was a lie.." I look up at Hoseok slowly.. his hand cups my cheek- warm- I was ice cold.

"Jinhyun... was xiumin ..."