September 2018
Cool off
I begged you.
You gave me another chance.
I would forever be grateful for that. I told you that i'll be better this time. For you, coz that is what you deserve. If being with you before is already hard for me, it was more difficult now. I'm more than scared than before. Mas naging triple ang takot ko. I know I hurted you, but putangina mas masakit sakin na nasaktan kita. I admit, i didn't think of the possible consequences of my actions. I only think of what'd I feel that time, I forgot to think about yours. Inisip ko lang sarili ko. When that thing happened.
I felt that you started to isolate yourself from me.
It hurts.
Well, I can't blame you. Who would still want to continue being with someone who did something horrible and unforgivable thing from you. I will forever blame myself. That time, I questioned myself. Why? Ano pang meron? I'm glad you gave me another chance, I thought you'd choose to end us. Akala ko iiwan mo na ako. Pero hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit? Nagduda ako. Why would you still want to be with someone as fucked up as me? Are you plotting something like revenge or what? Gusto mo din ba akong saktan? Kung ganun, okay lang, even though, you wanted to hurt me more or you wanted me feel the pain that you've felt. I would gladly accept that. I wanted to make it up to you, not because I've wronged you. Hindi dahil nakagawa ako ng kasalanan. But because, I love you. That you're really the person I wanted to be with forever. I don't wanna live without you. I can't see my future with anyone but you.
You gained more "girl friends" and I can't stop you, lalo na't sobrang laki ng kasalanan ko. Everyday, everynight, I can't help but to cry and wait for your decision. Kailan mo ba ako iiwan? When will you disposed me? Everytime that we're talking, I can feel the coldness of your voice, the dulness of our conversation, I almost felt the rush within you, I know you wanted to end our convo. Gustong gusto mo ng tapusin. But maybe I looked so desperate and pitiful, that's why you keep on talking to me.
I was hurt the whole time. I just didn't say anything.
Because I know, mas nasaktan kita. Kaya hinayaan ko, because why would I demand something that I know I didn't deserve? But you know what hurts?
Feeling you slowly lose interest on me.
You now don't ask how my day was or how am I doing.
You don't show much interest with our convo.
It's like you're slowly backing out with my life and there's nothing I can do but keep smiling and pretend I didn't notice.
I almost give up. I realized that maybe, we're not destined with each other. Maybe, i'm just a lesson from you and vice versa. Maybe we better off friends like before. Maybe this is really my karma, for being with you while I have someone before. Siguro pinaramdam lang satin ang tayo. That maybe, i'm not the right girl for you. Putangina ang kapal pala talaga ng mukha ko. Saying sorry is not easy, but accepting sorry and forgiveness is way difficult. Alam ko hindi madaling tanggapin ang nagawa ko. I'm so fucked up, sinaktan ko ang mundo ko. That time, I realized that you deserve someone better. You deserve someone who's actually worth it for your love, coz from the very start I know, hinding hindi ako magiging mabuti sayo. You deserve someone who woudn't think of breaking your own heart. Una pa lang hindi na ako yun.
"Bakit mo dinelete relationship request natin?"
I confronted you. Alam ko, parang ang kapal ng mukha ko para itanong yan sayo. Pero nasaktan talaga ako. You told me that you deleted it noong nagkasala ako sayo. And I was dumbfounded. Oo nga naman, fuck anong karapatan kong itanong sayo yun? Sino ba ako para magreklamo? I said sorry. Nag-sorry ako kasi tama ka, kasalanan ko. Tama lang yun. I deserve it. Pero kasi, alam mo yun? Sana noong una pa lang tinapos na natin. Kasi I thought, inaayos natin, akala ko parehas nating gusto pang ituloy. Yun pala parang ayaw mo na.
You didn't know. But I really cried hard that night.
I can't breathe.
Lumalabo yung paningin ko because of my damn tears. Still, nagssorry ako sayo, I said sorry uli sa nagawa ko. Paulit-ulit hanggang sa hindi ako makahinga. Sobrang sakit pala talaga. Ano pa yung naramdaman mo? At habang umiiyak ako, naisip ko na siguro tama na. I guess, itigil na ang dapat dati pa. Kasi we both know na sobrang laki ng lamat na. Nagkakasakitan na tayong dalawa. Pero nagulat ako, you told me that you're sorry for deleting that. But I told you, that it was okay. Nabubuo na yung pasya ko nun, so I told you that itigil nalang natin.
Again, I was dumbfounded.
You cried.
Pinipigilan mo ako. Sorry ka ng sorry. You told me that you're very sorry that time. Mas umiyak ako. Kasi bakit mo iniiyakan ang tulad ko? Bakit mo pa pinipigilan ang isang katulad ko? Dapat masaya kana, dapat okay sayo na itigil nalang. Dapat tapusin nalang.
Putangina mahal talaga kita.
Takot na takot kang mawala ako. We said sorry to each other. Takot tayong bitawan ang isat-isa kasi baka isang iglap, nakabitaw na pala. Sobrang sakit. Kasi akala ko hindi mo na ako mahal. Akala ko kinalimutan mo na talaga yung tayong dalawa. Akala ko, ayaw mo na. Pero umamin tayo na pareho nating ayaw mawala ang isa't-isa. Umamin tayo na gusto pa nating maayos ang sating dalawa. Umamin tayong mahal talaga natin ang isa't-isa.
From that time, we decided to work things out.
Despite all the things that i've done.
Because if you really love someone. You'll never stop fighting to make it work.
