December 2018
It fucking hurts.
Paulit-ulit na.
What's wrong with me? I thought i'm used to it, pero bakit nasasaktan parin ako? Sanay naman ako naghihintay, what's new? Kaya bakit masakit parin? Paulit-ulit nalang. Palagi nalang akong naghihintay sayo. Sa sobrang pagkasanay ko na nga, baka masanay ako na wala ka. What is really happening? Maaayos pa ba tayo?
December. A season to be jolly hahaha. The month of giving. I should be happy, Christmas is coming. But I feel like, magiging literal na malamig ang pasko ko. Aabot ba tayo?
Sobrang martyr ko pala? I'm deeply hurting but still, I choosed to stay. Wala eh, sobrang mahal talaga kita. It's funny right? How ironic na sobrang nasasaktan ako, pero ako ang puno't dulo ng lamat sating dalawa. I guess wala pa talagang nakakamove-on satin. It's still there, the pain, the scar. Natabunan man, nandun pa din sya.
Are we still holding on to the past?
Yes, we already changed. Mas nakilala at minahal natin ang isa't-isa. But I feel like, there's still a barrier between us. Kaya ba ganito parin tayo, kasi may lamat parin talaga? Does it still hard for you to continue this, do you still holding a grudge on me? Kailan ko ba sya matitibag? Totoo pala, it’s hard to focus on the present when you’re too busy living in the past. Even me, until now hindi ko parin alam kung paano umakto sayo. Until now feel ko hindi ko parin deserve to.
The more you talk, the better you will feel.
Should I tell you about what I feel? Kaso paano? Natatakot ako ng baka wala kang pakealam. Mahal naman natin ang isa't-isa diba? Sapat na yun. Ramdam ko naman, you never fail to amazed me. You always made me happy. You never fail to make me feel loved and worthy. Sobrang sarap mong magmahal, sobrang sarap mong mahalin. You're always treating me like a Queen. Damn, you are contented sating dalawa. I feel like you're obsessed with me, kasi tungkol sakin lahat, I loved that. Sometimes natatakot nga ako, baka kasi magsawa kana. Kaya nga, I always do everything just to keep you happy. Gusto ko palaging nararamdaman mo pagmamahal ko. Mahal talaga kita.
Pero kasi nagkukulang na tayo.
Sabi "If you do not have good communication, you cannot have a good relationship, plain and simple."
Kulang tayo ng oras sa isa't-isa, kaya siguro napapagod tayong dalawa. Parang, nagkakasawaan na. Yun kasi ang dahilan, kung bakit parati tayong nag-aaway. Lack of communication. Sobrang dalang na nating mag-usap.
Dalawa? Tatlo? Swerte na ang apat na oras.
Wala akong magawa. Natatakot akong magreklamo. Akala ko nga dahil dun, may iba kana. Hirap kasi, pag malayo ka, sobrang nag-ooverthink ako. It was eating me up. Ang galing kong magpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan. We almost broke up, again. I messaged your sister, sabi ko alagaan ka nya, kasi sobrang sakitin mo talaga. I told her na wag ka pababayaan. Nakakaramdam na kasi ako ng pagod. Iyak ako ng iyak. But i'm thinking if giving up would be the easiest solution. Iniisip ko kung tama ba yung gagawin ko. Dito na ba talaga tayo matatapos? Should I give you up now? Would I be happy if I finally let you go? I know you can feel it. You asked me what was wrong. So I told you that, i'm tired. Nag-break down ako. Sinabi ko sayo lahat lahat. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng tama. You was also hurt. Nasaktan ka din sa naisip kong desisyon. Nasaktan ka, kasi pinagdudahan ko yung pagmahahal mo sakin. You told me that you don't want a fucking break up. If I want time, you're very much willing to give it to me, wag lang ang break up. Nagsorry ka sa pagkukulang mo, and told me that you'll make it up to me. That you'd be better for me, just don't, wag lang kitang iwan.
Kaya akala ko talaga, hindi na tayo aabot ng Christmas.
Mahal kita eh, sobrang mahal.
So we talked. We talked about our issue with each other. I told you everything. Nalaman mo lahat ng pinagdaanan kong pagtitiis at sakit sayo. Napapagod lang naman ako. Sorry ka ng sorry. You told me na babawi ka, babawi ka sa lahat ng pagkukulang mo. And you did.
Christmas.
My first Christmas with you.
Special ocassion with my someone special.
I never thought na makakasama kitang icelebrate yun. Before, I only have my family and friends, ngayon kasama na kita. Sabay tayong nagcountdown. Damn, that was the best Christmas ever. You don't know how happy I was that time. I thanked God, for giving me the best man I've ever had. Nagdasal ako noong araw na yun. I prayed for my family, their health and everything.
I prayed for you.
For us.
I talked to God about us. I thanked him for giving someone liked you. I thank him for giving us a chance to be with each other. I also prayed na sana bigyan nya tayo ng strength. I hope that everyday, he will guide us, our love. I hope he'd give us enough courage to fight for each other. Enough knowledge to make a good decision, yung hindi padalos dalos. That I hope, he'll talked to destiny and fate na tayo nalang hanggang dulo hahaha. I prayed na patibayin natin ang faith sa isa't-isa, and of course faith for you, Dear God. And lastly, pinagdasal ko na sana, mapatawad na talaga natin ang isa't-isa. I prayed for a serene, sincere and a peaceful heart.
Mapapagod pero hindi susuko.
Leaving is not an option. You just can't really give up on someone because the situation's not ideal.
"Great relationship aren't great because they have no problems. They're great because both people care enough about the other person, to find a way, to make it work."
