August 2018
We finally became official.
You don't know how happy I was that time. It's not that romantic tho, hindi katulad nung palaging "Will you be my girlfriend?" part tapos I would dramatically say, yes. Yung satin kasi, you just told that you sent me a relationship request, and boom, we became official. In just a snap, pero kahit ganun, I was the happiest girl in the whole world.
Atleast finally, you're really mine now. We have the label now. Makikita na ng mga girl friends mo na hindi kana pwede and will decide to stay the fuck away from your sight. Kumbaga back off na. I was the happiest.
But damn why do I still feel scared?
I thought, you, being in a relationship, matatanggap mo na it's all about me now. But I guess, you're born friendly. You still talked to your girls. You still loved to play with them. You still want them being around. Patuloy mo parin silang kinakausap. At first, it was okay. Coz damn, I don't want to sound possessive or clingy girlfriend. But i just can't help it.
That's the time when I started to question myself.
What's wrong with me?
Am I enough for you to keep you happy and entertain?
Do you really like me?
Do you really love to be with me?
Are you really in love with me?
That's when I started to have insecurities.
I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm starting to doubt about us. Hindi ako makaisip ng paraan para gustuhin mo pa ko lalo. To think, that we're now in a relationship, pero still, natatakot parin ako. That you might leave me one day, na baka gawin mo din sakin. That maybe, you're also having an affair with some girl and trying to change her mind and asked her to be with you, tapos iwan mo nalang ako. I'm starting to think, that you just need me for your own pleasure, that's why you wanted me. Hindi ko din alam ginagawa mo, ang layo natin sa isa't-isa.
My insecurities grows more because of this certain girl. I can see how much you adore her. I can tell how much you wanted her, from the very start. Well, who wouldnt want her? Kung lalaki ako pipiliin ko din syang gustuhin. She's the definition of perfection. She's wild, her writings was superb, she's amazing, even me was trully amazed with her. Kaibigan mo din sya, but I can tell that you desire her. Girlfriend mo na ako pero nagseselos parin ako. Puta oa ba ako? What if, you're doing something with her behind my back? What if you decided to leave me, just to be with her? What if you constantly talked at night too? I overthink too much. But what can I do?
I'm just your girlfriend, a result from a forbidden sin.
Hindi ako umimik. I wanted to tell you how I feel, but i'm afraid you'd just tell me that i'm just overreacting. So hinayaan ko ang iniisip ko. Even tho, it's killing me, thinking that you're really doing "it" with her. Because that's where we started right? Masarap ang bawal. That was your motto. And I can't do anything about that, baka iwan mo na talaga ako. I can't, I don't want that, I love you. So I always let you with what you want.
Kahit hindi okay sakin, nagiging okay na lang din wag ka lang mawala sakin.
I'll never forget this specific day. We're in a gc, full of untamed and wild people, hindi ko alam kung sino nagsali sakin nun. I was about to leave that time. Pero nakita kita. You knew I was there. Of course, we guys are playing, the famous game of all time "truth or dare". It's your turn.
Tinanong ka nila.
Why? Bakit noong pinapili ka nila ng isang babaeng gusto mong halikan, you still choosed to kiss another girl than me? Puta parang wala ako dun ah!
Putangina ang sakit.
Pero ang sabi mo lang sakin na laro lang yun. Putanginang larong yun. I was fucking hurt that time. I don't know if it's my fucking ego or my heart ang nasaktan. You didn't respect the word "us". I don't know how to feel. I know I'm disappointed with you, pero may karapatan nga ba akong maramdaman yun? I feel like, i'm not deserve to be respected. Kasi alam naman natin kung saan tayo galing na dalawa. I guess naiisip mo din na, you're regretting being with me. Kasi why would you want to kiss another woman than me? I guess, you realized that time that i'm not worth it. You want me to see that I should end us, lalo na sa ginawa mo. I think this is my karma, you're my karma. But sorry, hindi ko kaya. I just can't let go of the man I love.
I guess history repeats itself.
I have wronged you. I've done something that i'd regret for the rest of my life. I wouldn't make an excuse and defend myself from doing that. It was an intentional choice. It's not your fault. Kasalanan ko. You're enough. From the moment that i've been in love with you. I should learn to accept things that you'd give me. Pero hindi ako nakontento. I have sinned. May part man saking hindi ko ginusto, pero mali parin ako kasi I choosed to do that. Ginawa ko uli, yung ginawa ko dati sayo. I cheated.
Nandyan sya noong nasasaktan ako dahil sa sitwasyon natin. He comforted me and give me the things that I never ask him to do. Alam ko mali, dapat sayo ko sinabi pero mas pinili kong sabihin sa ibang tao. I found the better man with him. Pero putangina, alam ko sa sarili ko, my heart doesn't want a better man. Napakagulo ko, alam ko. But I don't want a man who gives me what I wanted. Who's willing to be the best man for me. Coz I know, I wanted a man who is right for me. A man that'll make me happy everyday. The man that i've always want from the very very start. The man that i'm willing to take a risk because he's worth it. The man that my heart would forever wanted. The man i would gladly accept the whole him. You.
Nalaman mo ang lahat.
Sobrang pinagsisisihan ko.
I cried. So hard.
Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa sakit at sa takot na mawala ka.
Sobrang nasaktan ako dahil nasaktan kita.
I'm deeply sorry, I know I have sinned. I deeply regret doing that. Makasalanang tao. A confused girl. A girl who's seeking for a perfect relationship. Naguluhan at pinili ang mali. Piniling magpadala sa makasalanang gawain. But I guess, natanggap ko na there's no perfect thing in this world. Na walang perpektong tao, lalo na ang perpektong relasyon.
Pero maniwala ka, you're everything for me. I love you, from the very beginning. I'd choose to be with you, choose us, forever. I disappoint you in so many ways, I know I broke your trust. I know deep down, you're really regretting being with me lalo. I'm sorry. I would forever ask for your forgiveness.
I swear na sa araw nayun, I promised to myself that, I'd love you, only you, just you, forever.
Ikaw lang, wala ng iba.
And mind you, that was my first heartbreak.
