July 2018
I don't know what happened but suddenly we became strangers.
I tried to forget you. Again.
I tried to avoid you.
Week had passed. I gained friends, I learned how to talk differently with others, I got a new suitor. Bilis ba? Hahaha. That time, I thought I was happy and contented.
I'm trying to forget about my feelings for you, again. I'm now trying to focused on someone else. Because why not? You're just a mere crush for me. And we're "siblings" diba? At isa pa may lalaki ng willing akong mahalin and be with me. Yung tatanggapin din kung ano ako. But I think, you're born to pester me. Napakadaya mo! Inis na inis ako sayo! Super epal mo! Yes, you came back! Kinausap mo uli ako, kinamusta, inasar asar, kinukulit. Jusko yung marupok kong puso.
But, I shrugged of that thought tho.
I realized that you didn't do anything wrong. You don't know what I feel for you that time. And you're just being a "kuya" to me. Naisip ko na ano ba ang pinuputok ng butsi ko? Ano bang pinaglalaban ko? I realized that it should be fine now, I should move on now, especially that i'm dating someone. So kinalimutan ko ang nararamdaman ko sayo. Nag-uusap na uli tayo, nag-aasaran.
Yes, we became "more" closer.
But I guess, it's not easy to forget your feelings for someone who meant something to you.
We continue the communication between us. Pretending to be just your "sister" is not easy. I admit it, everytime I talked to you, I forgot about other things. I always forgot that I'm dating someone else, I always forgot about him. Nakakalimutan ko na may nanliligaw sakin at nakakalimutan kong kapatid lang turing mo sakin.
Ang alam ko lang, gusto na kita.
So when I realized, na mali ang nararamdaman ko sayo. I tried to be civil with you again. I decided na wag hayaan na lumago pa nararamdaman ko sayo. I tried being your sister, again. And I successfully did. Pero may sa demonyo ata nararamdaman ko sayo. I heard you got your new girl. Nakita ko yung pag-uusap nyong dalawa. I saw you happy talking to her. Guess she's different from your past lover, coz she's wild and carefree.
You looked happy.
And that's my cue to totally get back on my senses. I tried. I fucking tried. Pinigilan ko na diba. But why the fuck am I jealous everytime i'm seeing you with her? I shouldnt feel this way, kasi kapatid mo ako at isa pa may manliligaw na ako!
But why am I hurting, seeing you "in a relationship" with her?
Ang drama.
At alam mo yung mas masakit? That night, you're asking for a favor.
"Pwede bang pasabi na pa-unblock?"
Haha ang gago mo that time. So cruel. Pero ano bang alam mo? Oo, I told her to unblock you, kasi yun naman dapat ang gawin ko diba? To follow his kuya.
Days had passed, i'm now fine with our set up. I do like my suitor that time, we now have a mutual understanding. Okay na ako, okay na sakin yung kuya kita at bunso mo ako. Masaya na ako sa manliligaw ko. Feel ko gusto ko na sya. But deep inside me, everytime i'm answering his "iloveyou" I feel that, i'm just oblige to say that. Ewan ko, parang may kulang parin. Gusto ko sya, pero may ilang. Yung label nalang nga ang kulang. But, I don't seem to like the idea of accepting his relationship request. Tagal nyang nisend yung request, para official na.
Pero hindi ko ginawa. Did I used him too?
What's taking me so long? Bakit hindi ko pa sya sinasagot?
Unfortunately, you and your girl broke up. You told me that she left you. And being a friend and a "sister" to you. I comforted you. I'm always there when you need someone. Pag malungkot ka, gumagawa ako ng paraan para mapasaya ka. And from that. I know, ramdam ko i'm in a deep trouble.
I asked myself, why?
Ano bang gusto ko uling mangyari?
Silly, of course I know why.
I remembered him asking me that night, yung manliligaw ko.
"Bakit gising ka pa tuwing madaling araw?"
At palagi kong sasabihin na, "I cant sleep and I have an insomnia."
Sinungaling.
Every day, I'm always excited to talk to you. Every night, I always wait for you. I always felt giddy everytime you hit me up. I can feel my heart beats fast, everytime i'm with you. I forgot him, I forgot the word "siblings", I forgot everything. The only matters to me now, is you. To be with you. I know you can feel it too, the strong connection between us.
But then again, you found out that i'm dating someone. Isang malaking sampal sakin yun. I remember what you've told me that night.
"Dun kana sa boyfriend mo, baka masuntok pa ako."
I wanted to laugh at you, hindi ko sya boyfriend. Ewan ko, naduwagan ako sayo. Pero mas takot ako, baka kasi layuan mo ako. So I told you that we're not doing anything wrong. Even tho, we both know that there's something between us. So nagpatuloy tayo sa pag-uusap.
I changed. You changed. We changed.
We became wild with each other. Naalala ko sabi mo noon sakin, masarap ang bawal. And yes, tama ka, I totally forgot everything. I only remember how we looked cute, how we looked perfect together, I know it's wrong, but why does it feels so right everytime i'm with you. You're my right kind of wrong.
But that's when I realized, yes, what we have is wrong.
Being with you is like my name, a sin. I tried to avoid you, because it's unfair for him, definitely unfair for you also. I don't want you to become an option. Kahit na i'm already treating you like one. Ayokong gawin kang isang sikreto. But when you confessed and told me that you wanted me. I gave up. Wala na, sobra na ang karupukan ko sayo. Bumigay na ako. Pero I know, i'd be happy with you. Damn, alam ko kasi you always caught my breathe away. You're the only one that I wanted, sa simula pa lang. So hindi ko na pinatagal pa. Gusto mo ako, gusto kita. Oo, ang sama ko, pero mas pinili kong patigilin sya, just to be with you. Just to make you feel, that you can now own me completely. Ngayon pwede na yung tayong dalawa.
Akala ko wala ng problema.
Yes, we clicked. I'll never regret being with you. I was the happiest. Pero may nakalimutan ako, I forgot that you're too friendly. I almost forgot about my own issues with you before. That you have so many girl friends. Dami mong kaibigan, puro babae pa hahaha. Everytime you're telling me, that you, guys are not doing anything wrong. I'm starting to overthink. Coz we both know, we started as friends, dun tayo nagsimula.
It sucks.
You, being too friendly with them started to scare me. But who am I to demand that time? Mas natatakot ako na sabihin mo na walang tayo, hindi kita girlfriend. Yes, we dont have the label that time. I won't ask you for that, coz i'm too afraid you might realized that i'm not worth it. Who'd want someone like me? Someone that's willing to cheat with her guy, just to be with another guy. Sinong gugustuhing mahalin ako? You might realized, one day, that i'm just a girl toy, i'm not worth for your love, that i don't deserve you coz baka maisip mo na gawin ko din sayo yun. So everytime you're happy with your girls, asking me for my permission to let you play with them, telling me that it's not something that I should worry about, coz it's just a game, a fucking "truth or dare" game, and telling me that you just fucking told your ex that you still love her because she's sick and wants you back.
I would only say that, it's okay, I understand.
Even tho, it's not.
