April 2019
Loving is a choice, it has always been.
April fools.
I fooled you. Ni-prank kita, I told you that I want a break up, that i'm so tired. I'm so done. Well, jokes are half meant right? But you didn't let me, you begged and stop me. Yun naman pala, ayaw mo parin naman pala ako mawala. So I told you that it's just a prank. Day had passed, you also fooled me. This time, ikaw naman ang nag-prank. Damn, I was crying so hard. I thought totoo talaga. Parang tayong tanga na dalawa. Feel ko tumigil ang mundo ko. So when you told me that it's just a prank, I just realized na hindi pala talaga natin kayang mawala ang isa't-isa. Damn, I don’t even know who I am, without you.
Hard to sleep with a heavy heart and a mind full of unsaid thoughts.
I hate how paranoid I am. Kung dati madalang na tayong mag-usap. Ngayon mas dumalang pa lalo. Everytime na ang late ng replies mo, pakiramdam ko ang unworthy ko. I badly want to tell you how I feel. Ang hirap kasing magpanggap na, okay ako. Nahihirapan na akong itago ang totoong nararamdaman ko. Hindi ka ba maalam makiramdam? Okay lang. Yan ang parati mong naririnig sakin. Okay lang, kahit hindi naman talaga. Coz I want to fucking understand you. I hope that, it'll be the last time. That you'll change the next day. Pero no, paulit-ulit, okay lang putangina akala ko sanay na ako pero hindi pa pala. Bat ganito na naman? Okay lang, pero hindi ko naman sinabing ulitin mo pa. But damn, wala naman akong magagawa.
I'm being murdered by my own mind.
You know how hard our situation are. Distance, time and communication is our enemy. Ang hirap, gabi gabi nalang kung ano-anong pumapasok sa isip ko. That you're away from me, at hindi ko naman talaga alam nangyayari sayo. Iniisip ko pa if you're still happy with me. Kasi damn, sobrang dalang mo na akong bigyan ng atensyon mo. Wala naman sigurong iba diba? Diba? Ang hirap love, that's my talent eh, overthinking.
I constantly have you on my mind, it's not fair.
Feel ko ako nalang lagi ang gumagawa ng paraan sa ating dalawa. Lagi kitang naiisip, ako ba ni minsan pumasok sa isip mo? Sa tuwing umaga pagbukas ng mata mo? Naiisip mo ba na naghihintay ako na batiin mo, kahit isang magandang umaga lang mula sayo? Tapos sa gabi, dadating ka na halos hating gabi. Naiisip mo ba na buong araw akong nag-aalala kakahintay kung nasaan ka't hindi mo manlang ako nagawang paalalahanan na matulog nalang kasi hindi kana dadating pa? Buong araw nasa isip kita, pero ikaw ba? Naisip mo bang may halos mamatay kakaalala, kung kumain kana ba? Okay ka lang ba? Kamusta araw mo? Napagod ka ba? Malungkot ka ba? Gusto mo na bang magpahinga?
Mahal, pinaparamdam mo sakin na hindi mo ako prayoridad, at may mas mahalaga pang bagay kaysa sakin.
Okay lang. Naiintindihan ko.
Always been like that. Even if you're at fault, i'm the one who'll gonna say sorry. Lagi akong nagsosorry kasi ayan, nagoover think na naman ako. That i'm sorry pinagdududahan ko na naman intensyon mo. Simpleng bagay pinag-aawayan because of the lack of communication. Walang may alam sa nangyayari sa isa't-isa. Hindi mo alam kung anong nararamdaman ko, at hindi ko din alam kung ano pinagdadaanan mo.
I'm sorry if I overthink a lot, sorry.
But do you know that the one who overthinks, is the one who overloves?
Siguro kaya ganito ako, dahil nga sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sayo. Loving you is the bravest thing i've ever done, always. I'm sorry, I just love you too much. Baby, I know there's something wrong again. Can you tell me why are you acting like this? Nag-ooverthink nalang ba talaga ako or may problema na talaga? Can you please tell me, so I can help to fix you, fix us? I tried to talk to you. Pero lagi mong sinasabing wala lang.
Then one day, maybe you can feel it, unti unti ka ng nanghihina. Hindi mo na kaya ang sakit. Sumabog at gusto mong may paglalabasan ng nararamdaman mo. So you told me what whappened. Kung bakit parati kang wala, kung bakit parating kang balisa, kung bakit parati kang matamlay. Kung bakit parati tayong nag-aaway.
Your favorite lolo died.
Damn, baby i'm so so sorry. I feel like isa akong napakalaking gago that time. Nasasaktan kana, pero inaaway parin kita. I'm sorry, I didn't know what happened. I'm so mad at myself that time. I should be your strength. But i'm failing coz all I can see is the weakness of our relationship. I badly want to hug you that time. Putanginang distansya naman yan. Hindi kita mayakap pag malungkot ka. I can't wipe your tears everytime that you wanted to cry. Inis na inis ako coz I can't do anything but to tell you everyday that i'm always here for you. Malayo man, but I want you to feel my love for you. Hindi ka nag-iisa mahal, you have me. Hati tayo sa sakit na nararamdaman mo. You can always count on me. Trust me, I won't judged you. You can cry, dito lang ako sa tabi mo. Makikinig sa mga sakit ng pinagdadaanan mo.
I'm always here for you.
If you're sad and lonely, just tell me right away and i'll do everything just to make you laugh and happy. I know you've been going through a lot. I hope things will get better soon. Don't be hard on yourself, don't give up on yourself. I want you to know that, talikuran ka man ng mundo, ibigay man sayo lahat ng sakit na mararamdaman mo, remember that i'm just here for you. To be your support, shoulder to lean on, to be the one who you gonna need if you feel like you're lonely.
Trust yourself because I believe in you.
Just remember....
I'm right here for you, always and forever.
