Novermber 2018
Time?
Lack of communication?
We almost broke up. Pero hindi ko hinayaang mangyari.
Dahil sobrang mahal kita, mas nagiging clingy na ako at mapaghanap. Pero never kong sinabi yun sayo. Never akong magdedemand sayo.
What's happening to us love?
Anong nangyayari? Bakit nag-iba? May nagawa ba ako? Ayaw mo na ba? Are you still happy with me? Naiisip mo parin ba nagawa ko sayo? Nagsisisi kana ba uli? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal? It's hard when everynight, hindi ka pinapatulog ng mga iniisip mo. It's hard when all you think about is the possible reason kung bakit nagbago. Unti-unting nawawala yung communication natin. Our conversation became dull now. Sa una lang magaling, pero habang tumatagal nag-iiba. Masakit. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm so fucking paranoid.
Overthinking sucks.
But maybe we're both busy with our own life. Maybe you're more than busy, na kahit busy din ako nagagawa ko paring iupdate ka, pero ikaw hindi mo nagagawa. Maybe you're more tired than me, na kahit tuwing gabi ang uwi ko tinitiis ko ang puyat makausap ka lang, pero ikaw natulog lang. Maybe you really are tired. When you replies late na siguro may ginawa ka lang, pero ako nagmamadaling ichat ka within a minute dahil ayaw kong paghintayin ka. But maybe, mahina lang talaga connection mo. Minsan akong nagalit sayo, pero ako lang din ang sumuyo sa sarili ko. Ang tanga ko.
Nakakatampo na.
Sobrang rupok ko. Gusto kong magtampo kasi hindi kana gaya ng dati. You changed a lot. I decided not to talk to you. Pero isang chat mo lang, puta tiklop na uli ako. Gusto kong magsumbong sayo pero nahihiya ako. Baka nag-ooverreact lang talaga ako. I'm so damn clingy. Gusto ko, every second, minutes, hours, kausap kita. I'm so damn needy. Gusto ko gawin mo uli sakin yung ginagawa mo sakin. But I guess, it's not always about me. Hindi pwedeng sakin lang umikot ang mundo mo. I have my own life, and you have yours too, so maybe I should stop this nonsense thoughts.
Lahat naman talaga nagbabago.
I should get used to it. Lagi nalang naman akong okay sa kahit ano. Damn, I shouldn't complain right? Because I promised to accept kung ano lang ang kaya mong ibigay. I should love you through thick and thin. So hinayaan ko nalang. I should learn how to be contented. And it's you, you're my love so I'd rather set aside what i'm feeling just to understand you. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang. Maybe, i'm just being immature. Ang hina ko pala talaga pagdating sayo. You always have that weak spots on me. Sarap mong mahalin, pero minsan ang sakit din. Pero hindi ako magsisisi, mahal kita eh.
Do you remember that night? You asked me something na talagang nanghina ako.
"What if someday, umalis ako? Pano kung may bago na ako? Paano kung ayaw ko na?"
Putangina, pakiramdam ko tumigil ang mundo ko.
Paano nga ba?
Paano nga ba kung iiwan mo na ako? Should I let you? But i'm sure i'd beg and stop you. Will I cry? Fuck, that's for sure. Paano kung ayaw mo na talaga? Damn, tell me what can I do for you para gustuhin mo uli. Coz I will fucking do everything for you, for us! Pero paano kung may mahal ka ng iba? T-tangina, hindi ko kaya. Am I selfish? Kasi ayoko, damn I can't think straight. I feel like mababaliw ako if i'll see you with someone else. Iniisip ko pa lang, sobrang nasasaktan na ako. Naalala ko tuloy yung nagawa ko, ganito ba naramdaman mo? Baby, i'm sorry....p-please stop asking me things like that. I'm fucking hurting.
It's not love, when there's no pain.
Muntik mo ng tapusin, kasi sabi mo you're hurting me too much. Damn, how would you know?! Hindi ako, ikaw! Maybe yes, i'm hurting but fuck! I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else! I told you, that I'm fucking okay! I was fine! That you shouldn't worry about me! I love you and please don't you dare to leave me! Am I selfish? Maybe yes, and yes I was hurt. But guess what, you're worth the pain. And believe me, i'm very happy with you. You're my person. You always makes my heart happy. So don't think that way. Because, I also learned to loved you at your worst.
But are you giving me a hint? Kasi bakit mo itatanong yan, kung hindi mo niisip gawin. Noong tinanong mo ako sakin yun, I can't help to think that someday. Someday, you'll get tired and leave. Leave me like nothing. Someday, this time will come and I should be ready. I know this will end from time. I know that, not everyone will going to stay forever.
Pero please, wag muna.
Kaya habang hindi pa nangyayari yun, I'll make our days, happy and unforgettable. I'd forever treasure our memories together. I will treasure you for the rest of my life. I'd love you with all of my heart. I'll still keep on going and thank you for what you've given to me. Patuloy lang kitang mamahalin.
Kaya wag muna. Mahal na mahal kita.
"It takes a lot of strong heart to pursue loving someone. Even not knowing what awaits you on the other side of the road."
