March 2019
Change is the only constant thing in the world.
Hindi pwedeng walang magbago, habang natagal talagang may magbabago. Hindi lahat ng gusto mong mangyari, ay mangyayari. It's either tanggapin mo ang pagbabagong yun or not. Just embrace it, and go with the flow. Hayaan mong may magbago, hanggang sa masanay kana sa pagbabagong iyon. Kahit mahirap. You need to accept that there's no permanent thing in this world.
What happened?
These past few days, lalo ng dumalang yung pag-uusap natin. Sometimes, late kang dadating, ang pinakamalala is two days kang wala. And pag dadating ka, sobrang dry ng convo natin. Ang cold din ng mga reply mo. Anong nangyayari? Do you have a problem? Kaya ba wala ka? I can feel it tho, of course kilala na kita. Bakit hindi mo sabihin sakin? Bat di ka nagsasabi? Or busy ka lang talaga? Kilala din kita eh, if you're busy minsan nakakalimutan mo na ako. And I understand, coz I know you're tired. Pero this time, parang may iba. Umabot na ng weeks pero ganito parin tayo. Dry. I thought no secrets from now on? Why do I feel like you're hiding something? Pakiramdam ko sobrang laki ng iniisip mo.
So I tried asking you what was wrong.
But you just told me that you're okay. Putangina. How can we be okay kung hindi mo sinasabi kung anong mali! How can I help you, kung naglilihim ka! Naapektuhan na tayong dalawa. Pag cold ka, naapektuhan mood ko, kaya nagagaling cold nadin ako. Ang hirap kasi, when you're trying to lift up the mood pero wala, ganun parin. Damn, I know there's something wrong! Or do I really know? Alam ko ba talaga or pinagtatakapan ko lang yung fact na busy ka at hindi mo ako naaalala. Have you ever felt homesick, but for a person? Kasi ako oo, yun ang nararamdaman ko. Everyday, I just wish time would pause when i'm with you. Ang hirap kasi, parang obligado kana lang na paglaanan ako ng oras. Kaya minsan hinihiling ko na sana tagalan pa. I felt the need to exert more efforts, para mag-stay ka. Para hindi sayang yung time na binigay mo sa ating dalawa.
Love is a mixture of strength and weakness.
Being in a relationship make sense everyday. Hindi always masaya. Hindi always malungkot. Balance. Hindi pwedeng kulang, at hindi din pwedeng sobra. Dapat sapat lang. Kapag mahina yung isa, dapat malakas yung isa, and vice versa. Walang sapawan, walang bilangan ng kung anong nagawa. Fight together, sabay lumaban, hindi yung isa nalang pala. Kaya nga relationship, it's between two people, together.
But alam mo ang isang nalaman ko din in evey relationship? Sa lahat ng klase ng sakit na nabuo sa mundong ito, katangahan ang pinakamalala. People do stupid things for their love ones. Katangahan. Sakit na nga ata to pag nagmahal ka. Nakakalimutan mo na sarili mo, once na nagmahal ka. Nagtitiis ka kahit ang sakit sakit na. Once you fell in love, you'd feel different kind of emotions. It's a roller coaster ride feeling. Masaya, malungkot, masakit, masaya uli, then sakit ulit. Pauli-ulit lang.
Do you remember the line of Kathryn Bernardo? The famous line sa "the hows of us" . The one that she was crying under the rain.
"Palibhasa kasi alam na alam mo kung paano ako kunin eh. Isang ngiti, isang kanta, isang yakap, isang sorry, wala... Umiikot na ulit yung mundo ko."
I really felt that. Isang sorry mo lang, okay na uli ako. Isang kanta lang, nawala ng parang bula galit ko. One iloveyou, nanlalambot na agad ako. Tanga ko pagdating sayo. Damn me, for being so marupok in all aspects. Do you know that everynight nag-seself reflect ako? Which is good for the heart. I want to know if my decision was right. I always think kung tama ba inaakto ko. Iniisip ko kung minsan, tama bang mag-inarte ako sayo. Nagagalit ako pag wala ka, late replies, yun ang kalimitang dahilan ng away. So everytime na nagseself reflect ako, natutuwa ako kasi nalalaman ko ang tama sa mali. That we're in a relationship. Sometimes I should understand you. But of course, there's always a limitation. I should respect your decision, lalo na kung yun ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay mo. Kung gusto mong malimit tayong mag-usap? Okay, maybe you're just busy with your life. Susuportahan kita sa gusto mo. If you're busy with your studies? I'd be glad to support you in any way I can. Pero mas madalas, kahit hindi ko na naiintindihan, kahit nahihirapan na akong unawain ka, pinipilit kong kimkimin lahat at mas unawain ka pa. Ikaw yan eh, mahal kita.
And isa pa, happiness is a choice and staying by your side is my happiness. Kahit minsan ang sakit sakit na, hindi mawawala sakin na mas masaya akong kapiling ka. So don't worry coz, I will love you and forever understand you.
Everytime I feel the struggle of keeping us together, i'll always keep in mind that life without you is the worse.
Wala ka nga, hindi naman ako masaya. I learned that, love is not all about happiness. It's about sacrifices, acceptance and contentment. Minsan, sa sobrang dami nating problema. Yung madalas na pag-aaway nating dalawa. Yung hinahayaan nating aabot tayo sa hindi pag-kakaunawaan. Dun nagsisimula yung mga lamat. Dun tayo nahihirapang ikeep yung relationship natin. Dun nadadagdagan yung mga tanong sa isip natin.
Is it worth the pain?
Are we still worth the risk?
Does our relationship still worth fighting for?
Kaya nga, i'm thankful din. Kasi walang araw ang hindi natatapos ng hindi tayo okay. If sometimes, I choosed to keep it to myself, nakikita kong gumagawa ka naman ng way para malaman kung ano iniisip ko. Masakit, masakit kang mahalin, pero mas masakit isipin na mawawala ka sakin. Masakit man, pero sobrang saya ng palit sakin. Ikaw.
You're worth the risk, worth the wait, worth the pain, worth the love and worth fighting for.
